TEAB have done some digging and the results are astounding.

Ken Bates says he has no idea who is behind these mysterious trusts who allegedly own the club, the FA are none the wiser, Bates' insists it is not a problem....Markism Today ruthlessly reminiscent of the days of Roger Cook investigative journalism probes the big question like never before.

Who Really Does own Leeds United AFC?

Company law and tax affairs are notoriously complicated, even to yours truely with a 2nd class honours degree from a former polytechnic and having successfully recovered a PAYE overpayment of £600 in 2005/06. However no expense was spared in this investigation which will rock football. Unfortunately the TEAB ED would not fund two-weeks in Nevis, the Carribean island where FSF were believed to be incorporated - but he was happy to fund the cost of a West Yorkshire DayRover, two pints of Tetley's and a black pudding, dripping and tripe Breadcake from Dewsbury Market.

Theory One - the London businessman

For legal reasons, we cannot name names but one popular theory is the man who owns the club was once the owner of a chronically underachieving West London team who sold out to a Russian billionnaire. The businessman, who is believed to be a former haulier and dairy farmer lives in the south of France. Although he has distinctive facial hair, he should not be confused with Papa Smurf or Uncle Albert Trotter from Only Fools and Horses.

Theory Two - the deceased trust.

I popped in to a grim spit and sawdust in Heckmondwike for a wee and met Jack, 86, a lifelong Leeds fan who told me that local clairvoyant and part-time celebrity Doris Dopplethwaite is a pivotal figure between the club and the spirit world as the club is actually owned by three trustees who are sadly no-longer with us.

Six pints of Theakstone Old Peculiar and a pickled egg later, Old Jack finally gave me the names of the dead trustee's: former TV host Richard Whiteley, the late cricketer Sir Freddie Trueman and 50's crooner Ronnie Hilton.

The links with the club are astounding. As well as doing Countdown, Whiteley frequently reported on the Whites' fortunes on Calender News, Trueman was from Yorkshire and his trademark TV show "Indoor League" came from the Queens Hotel in Leeds. Despite being from Hull, Hilton sang on many of the club's glorious anthems such as the mildly racist "Leeds United Calypso" which indicated the uncertainty of the origins of black superstar Albert Johannesson but settled on "Timbuctoo".

I just made it to Doris's base in Slaithwaite before she called it a day taking money off gullible businessmen and tourists. Unfortunately she was in a foul mood when I mentioned my investigation and threatened me with an ancient Gypsy curse - which further adds to my suspicion that Old Jack's story has an element of truth about it.

Theory Three - The Dingle Dynasty from Emmerdale

Often people of wealth will earn the reputation of misers. On the outset, they do not have a pot to piss in but secretly they have a huge fortune stashed away under the mattress.

Take the Dingles from Emmerdale for example. They live in something little better than a barn, they drive around the Dales in Rustbuckets, they constantly engage in barely legal money-making scams but my well-respected sources at a TV production company reveal today the family are loaded, own the club and wish to keep it secret from the world as association with one football club over the other can cause even more extreme, bitter rivalry and jealously from lesser Yorkshire clubs.

My source explained. "In the late 1980's, Fraser Hines (Joe Sugden) took part in a charity half-time penalty shoot-out at Elland Road, even though it was for a very good cause our viewing figures dropped massively in the Huddersfield and Sheffield regions. In one scene, we had Nick Bates (Cy Chadwick) and Archie Brooks (Tony Pitt) dicking about Beckinsale in a pair of Leeds United scarves one of the runners had bought at a school fete. This backfired when Bradford City fans organised a mass boycott of the show. We have to be so careful nowadays not to declare any allegiance from one Yorkshire team to another."

So there we have it, the truth is definitely out there exactly who does own Leeds United - however thanks to the wonderful efforts of Simon Grayson's team, there is no danger that whoever does own the club will have to pass the stringent Premier League "Fit and Proper Person" test in the near future.

Photo: Action Images

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