The Weston Report: You Couldn't Help But Feel Nauseous
Monday, 9th May 2016 13:19 by Ryan Weston

The picture-book last day scene. Glorious sunshine. Shirt sleeves and shorts. Cherry red skin on top of burly blokes’ heads. But has this season gone to any sort of script?

On a day that we could ill afford injury or suspension, of course, we got one. And a Thorney one at that.

As like all decent scripts though, I’ll start at the beginning. Wassall had a decision to make given the close proximity to next week’s play-offs. He chose to go with his strongest suit, which no doubt will cause many ‘wise’ onlookers to use hindsight and say that was the wrong choice. For me though, with 4th place still on the table at kick-off, it was the correct one.

The Rams started with the speed of a fat man who has just been told the buffet bar is open. A sharp move saw Martin feed Russell, who in turn slipped in Bryson, whose shot was well parried by writers’ nightmare Bialkowski. Next, Martin played a glorious ball to Ince, who cut inside before firing over.

There was no sense however that the Tractor Boys were already planning for the Harvest season. As you would expect from a Mick McCarthy team, there was a good deal of physicality about the visitors. Their first chance came from an error from Thorne, with his dilly-dallying in position leading to Sears testing the palms of Carson.

Thorne then found himself on the end of an Ince corner, flicking his header wide from inside the box. Given that he normally hangs about on the edge, this reminded me fondly of end of season games in the past, where I was given licence to roam in the box having normally been lumbered with marking their fastest striker on the half way line. Anyway, I digress.

Next to test out the handling in the South Stand was Hughes. Fresh off his outstanding display at Brighton, few would have begrudged young William from shooting, having tricked his way to the edge of the box, but his curling effort soared over. This came as a major disappointment to Ince, who was unmarked and had a face like a man who had followed the fat man to the buffet…

The Tractor Boys then made scarecrows of the Rams defence, as Feeney got away from Olsson on the right. His driven cross was spilled by Carson to Sears. In the school-playground scramble that followed, his shot was blocked by a combination of our keeper and Shackell.

As the game began to open up, Bryson was felled in the D, before Martin curled the resulting free-kick wide. It was then time for our newly crowned Player of the Season to take centre stage.

Clearing the ball straight to a blue shirt, Keogh saw Bishop scampering towards the area. Trying to be a Knight in shining armour or the King, it was more a case of checkmate, as a horribly timed lunge saw the referee with no alternative but to point to the spot. McGoldrick sent Carson the wrong way and suddenly we were behind.

Back though came the Rams and Ince was the next pawn to move goalwards. A brilliantly struck free-kick from 25 yards produced a save from the top draw for Bialkowski, plunging to his left.

Quite what was in Keogh’s pre-match breakfast I’m not sure. Perhaps he had indulged in a little celebratory champagne? Whatever it was, hesitation akin to last season saw him eventually clatter into the back of the opposition goalscorer and pick up a booking. On another day, our skipper would have been taking the long walk and be missing next Saturday’s first-leg.

Thankfully, the half ended without real alarm, with Thorne’s poked effort over the bar the nearest we came to an equaliser.

It came as no surprise to see Keogh replaced by Bucko at the break. However, it was nearly our attacking linchpin that made the quick-fire impression. A vintage Derby move saw Russell feed Martin’s feet, for him to lay off to Bryson. Unfortunately on his 200th appearance for the Rams, the Scot found Bialkowski in the way of a landmark goal.

Immediately, the ball found Christie on the right. With barely any back lift, Cyrus found the type of cross which cause strikers to salivate. In between both centre halves, pacey and right onto the head of Martin, who headed… just wide.

There followed a flurry of Rams getting down the channels, into the Tractor Boys’ crop fields. However, Christie, Russell and Ince were all guilty of thinking we had Peter Crouch playing up top, with Peter Crouch on his shoulders, such was the wild nature of the deliveries.

Russell was then cleverly slipped in by Martin, before smashing the leather off the ball and probably causing someone in the North Stand some damage. You got the feeling it was going to be one of those days, with Ipswich content on sitting on their one nil lead. The sort of action akin to a teacher telling you that you can’t play games on the last day of term.

Martin was then replaced by Bent news of Hull being 5-1 up came through. On a rare foray forwards, McGoldrick cut in from the right and saw his deflected shot easily saved. One thing is for sure, the Ipswich players must have strong neck muscles, as their passes don’t go on the floor very much…

At the other end, Bent made an immediate impact, controlling well on the right before producing a peach of a cross that just evaded Bryson. Ince then summed up his afternoon, cutting in from the right before firing a fierce drive over. Something tells me Kevin Phillips might be busy this week…

With Will Hughes replaced by Blackman, the game started to look like a bland starter before a hopefully tasty main. And then, it happened.

Christie’s cross from the right caused pinball in the box. Thorne attempted to prod the loose ball home and was clattered in the process. Another shot was blocked. The ball was cleared. But George didn’t. Instead, he rolled in agony and 30,000 just knew it was bad. The sight of Russell and two Ipswich players calling for immediate help underlined it.

Quite what the stretcher bearers were waiting for, I’m not sure, but Russell echoed the sentiment of the crowd by lambasting the slow entrance. As minutes passed and gas and air was supplied, you couldn’t help but ask. Why always us? Why always Thorne?

After what seemed like an age, George was stretchered away. The game might as well have stopped there and then, such was the non-event that played out for the eight added minutes to the conclusion.

As the players re-appeared for their lap of honour, you couldn’t help but feel slightly nauseous.

£23m spent. A 5th place finish. A failure? Or a step on the way to the Promised Land?

The next 3 weeks will tell us. I just fear that a Thorne has been taken from Hull’s side.