| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. 12:53 - Sep 18 with 7136 views | Discodroids |
1. The Office Fashionista .
Imagine working with Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. I used to swing from discomfort to nausea and would try to avoid him at all costs .
What if you were forced to work with Laurence and he turned up for meetings dressed as steve strange at 'The Blitz' or Oscar Wilde on the prowl in Maarakech for 14 year old chicken ??. Well I did, and you can take it from me, You can't take anyone seriously who dresses up like Adam ANT, it's literally impossible. In my kinder moments i sincerely Hope he contracts Dropsy , lung worm , or at the very least , a fungal infection on his painted fingernails in the near future.
2. The 6O something Grateful dead Hippy
was sat at my desk eating my lunch yesterday He strode past me dressed in a brown Khmer rouge type suit suit and sandals with no socks. In an office. A place of work...
I couldn't eat any more of my lunch as everything seemed to taste of feet. I was absolutely livid at this c unt. Over the last few months this creepy fu cker has spent much of his day offering shoulder massages to the female (and sometimes male) office staff. In his brown suit and sandals. And he had a goatee, and was massively into the church. And sang in a barber shop quartet . he also tried to get me to play Ultimate Frisbee once too, with a church group. Horrific individual.
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| "...The monkey is never dead, Dealer. The monkey never dies. When you kick him off, he just hides in a corner, waiting his turn." |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:08 - Sep 18 with 3835 views | Metallica_Hoop |
The ferret/grass
I dropped a portable light at work. I shouted "Cuuuuuuuu******************************************************************************nt" rather loudly (we only had one of them)
Someone instead of saying "would you mind toning down your language young man" reported me.
Sadly I know senior management and we laughed about it in my office. I also know who it was.....
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| Beer and Beef has made us what we are - The Prince Regent |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:13 - Sep 18 with 3821 views | ade_qpr |
Total dropkick who was a sales rep, who went around to schools and come back bragging about perving on 12-13 year old girls. 
He accidently  got slammed into some shelves one day, went a bit quiet after that. |  |
| If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:15 - Sep 18 with 3810 views | paulparker |
ive got 2 here in the office Disco
1/ the office sicknote , now this bird is about 4ft 6, dresses like a tramp and talks through her nose, she has a week off every month (no lie) always sounding off about how work don't look after her and has a pop at the manager at every turn, complains the office is cold, it isn't its about 100 degrees yet she has to have the tiny heater on her,
Monday she had IBS , Tuesday it was a head cold, and Wednesday she said she had food poisoning , she complained that she needed to go home but not until after lunch when she eat a bowl of soup, a sarnie and a fcuking cream cake ,
2/ the office heartthrob-, now don't get me wrong he is a good looking lad, works out etc , a bit of a ringer for danny cipriani & just as bigger c0ck as him
he bowls up and down the office like he has 2 rolled up carpets under his arm, he constantly talks sh1t about the latest club night he is helping to promote at Revolutions, don't worry girls il get you in (kunt)
he has all the personality of my toe clippings , don't do no graft & insists on eating brown rice everyday as he has a body building competition in 5 weeks time,
oh and he supports Man Utd |  |
| And Bowles is onside, Swinburne has come rushing out of his goal , what can Bowles do here , onto the left foot no, on to the right foot
That’s there that’s two, and that’s Bowles
Brian Moore
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:18 - Sep 18 with 3806 views | Lblock |
The Glory Simon.
Perpetually takes credit for the work of others whilst NEVER acknowledging their efforts.
I had a fella once called Paul Brown who was my line Manager.
He wore Brown suits, light brown shirts, a brown tie and dark brown shoes. We christened him BIB which stood for Building Industry Brown.
What a fcukin prize un this fella was. I was keeping up the work of my previous guv'nor and the disciplines he'd given me after he'd gone and then this fat fella came in and claimed to have steadied the ship. He then tried to bully me as I was a wet behind the ears 19 year old. He did nothing all day apart from try to have a conversation on the phone with his Thai catalogue bride about dinner that evening... every damn day.
I nearly spiked his tea with a red 'n black one day but in the end I let him dig his own grave and he was a gonna.... I simply cods up my work and he continued taking the credit for errors! [Post edited 18 Sep 2015 13:20]
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| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:35 - Sep 18 with 3753 views | Discodroids |
great stuff...gents.
The Marathon Man
Got a geezer in the office who runs to work every day, gets to his desk dripping and reeking of sweat, not to mention the lycra.
Goes and makes his muesli and fruit bowl every morning then tells anyone who is listening about his previous/next run/iron man competition. Then goes on to perv at ladies suggesting they go with him for a run at lunch as he will "keep them fit".
Tells us how he gets his 8 year old son taking part in a 3k tough mud run for kids this weekend, and how much the family all enjoys it when we all know that his wife and kids hate him and she probably lubes up on extra strength sperimcidal gel to block his devil seed
He literally talks about nothing else, and quite simply, i hope he get run over by a tuk tuk toot sweet. | |
| "...The monkey is never dead, Dealer. The monkey never dies. When you kick him off, he just hides in a corner, waiting his turn." |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:42 - Sep 18 with 3738 views | Jeff |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:35 - Sep 18 by Discodroids |
great stuff...gents.
The Marathon Man
Got a geezer in the office who runs to work every day, gets to his desk dripping and reeking of sweat, not to mention the lycra.
Goes and makes his muesli and fruit bowl every morning then tells anyone who is listening about his previous/next run/iron man competition. Then goes on to perv at ladies suggesting they go with him for a run at lunch as he will "keep them fit".
Tells us how he gets his 8 year old son taking part in a 3k tough mud run for kids this weekend, and how much the family all enjoys it when we all know that his wife and kids hate him and she probably lubes up on extra strength sperimcidal gel to block his devil seed
He literally talks about nothing else, and quite simply, i hope he get run over by a tuk tuk toot sweet. |
Work with a "die hard" (his words) Man Utd Fan.
lives in Epsom, never been north of the Watford Gap. Knows everything about football from Football Manager. I've been to Old Trafford more times in the last 3 or so years than he's been in his entire life. Refers to Liverpool Fans as 'Bin Dippers'
Once said to me a couple of years ago during the post Ferguson slump 'you think you've got it bad being a QPR fan, try being a Man Utd fan at the moment...' he wasn't being ironic. |  |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:45 - Sep 18 with 3723 views | R_from_afar |
Great thread, I love this sort of thing. Matt Groening has covered this very nicely, here:
I work with an awful of stone faced vice presidents (longhand for total b3ll end) and pompous waddlers. I spend my days oscillating between being a tuneless whistler and a wretched drone. Still, I could be one of those migrants, I am in clover compared to them....
RFA |  |
| "Things had started becoming increasingly desperate at Loftus Road but QPR have been handed a massive lifeline and the place has absolutely erupted. it's carnage. It's bedlam. It's 1-1." |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:46 - Sep 18 with 3720 views | PunteR |
The Bullsh*tter.
Ive worked with some characters on site but i was once on a job with a plumber that was in the special forces, who runs a security firm at the weekends and can get me a gun if i wanted it.
He came in once with a jar of homemade pickle,bollox did he make that. |  |
| Occasional providers of half decent House music. |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:57 - Sep 18 with 3688 views | Superhoop83 |
Clockwatching Carol
I inherited one of these when I moved to a new company and she worked with me for 9 long years before I managed to get shot.
She managed to combine shooting off early every single day for 9 years, to get down to the stables and her beloved nag, with an obsession with clock watching and highlighting lateness to anyone who was even a minute late into work. "Traffic bad today?", "Good afternoon", etc.
So obsessed was she with the clock, she would also refuse to answer the phone if it rang at 8.59 or 1.01 - she would actually look up at the clock and get back to her book if anyone tried to trample all over her unpaid time. She even told someone who dared to walk into reception over lunch and speak to her that she "won't get the time back".
She would then happily sod off at 4.45 without any hint of apology or understanding of the irony of it.
I'd like to say that she was a team player but she was also a complete bitch who had nothing good to say about anyone except the boss, to whom she was a snivelling creep.
At least she had some interesting conversation, if you were a horse obsessive with no sense of humour. |  |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 14:01 - Sep 18 with 3668 views | paulparker |
The Family Gimp
worked with a woman who's desk was a shrine to her dopey looking Husband and her even uglier kids , the type of woman who had glitter pens and little teddy's on display and would come in and show me her kids drawings from school which were sh1t,
she drove her 4x4 badly taking up 2 spaces in the car park and would boost she only had to work part time as her husband was in marketing , no one was better than her and she had to be right on everything , if you had been to Tenerife she had been to elevenarife
on her last day I nicked her car keys and put a some king prawns under her seat of her car | |
| And Bowles is onside, Swinburne has come rushing out of his goal , what can Bowles do here , onto the left foot no, on to the right foot
That’s there that’s two, and that’s Bowles
Brian Moore
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 14:30 - Sep 18 with 3617 views | 2Thomas2Bowles |
Had a few idiots when I was a foreman/site manager but my pet hate is scaffolders
Loud, never stopped swearing, think they are hard, support Millwall, always late as they go to the cafe till 10am , disappear off the face of the earth by 3pm leaving mess everywhere.
So one week, everyday they turned up late (which was everyday )I sent them home or whatever hole they climbed out of.
On the Friday their boss turns up, he is as mouthy as them, shouting at me, he is going to do this and that, they were good blokes, hard working...... till I turned on the cctv with my boss there handing him...
Code of Considerate Practice
Care about Appearance
Respect the Community
Secure everyone's Safety
And their contract terminated
I hate scaffolders. [Post edited 18 Sep 2015 14:39]
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:00 - Sep 18 with 3554 views | Juzzie |
The talks-very-quietly-when-on-a-personal-call (often) who then talks-very-loudly-when-on-a-work-call (LOOK AT ME, I'M WORKING)
Same person happily spends half an hour on the phone telling some poor sod what is wrong with their online shopping website when can't even use our own, basic, computer system themself.
The 5.55pm leaver (we work until 6pm) who to this day I have never ever seen work one minute longer than they have to. I'd like to leave at 6pm but we all have so much work to do it's not always possible. Maybe they aren't busy.
The needs-to-be-told-everything-twice-everytime-everyday person
The has-to-sing-to-every-song-on-the-radio-in-a-quiet-whiny-voice STFU
[Post edited 18 Sep 2015 15:09]
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:08 - Sep 18 with 3524 views | Lblock |
The "After Work Geezer"
Had the misfortune to share air space with a fella of late who loved nothing else but try to leave an air of mystique and atmosphere hanging around him... the "dont mess with me, you dont know what I'm capable of" type.
The man was as deep as a puddle on a pool table and zero personality and really seemed to be putting 100% effort into his sarf lahndarn accent and little else. My theory about him was when he went home he was actually a bit like Kirk St Moritz character from Dear John (that's for those of you of a certain age). He used to give it large portions to subbies on the blower but whenever I saw him in face to face meetings he was a bit of a meltpot.
Shame about it all is he left and apparently bagged a 10k pay rise | |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:17 - Sep 18 with 3499 views | highleverhoopL |
The Message Board Junkie
Spends all his time posting on football message boards when he should be *******
working..
I'll get my coat |  | | |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:17 - Sep 18 with 3500 views | A40Bosh |
Being the easy going chap I am, I was struggling to come up with a candidate, as I am probably fortunate that I happen to work in an office where there are a lot of good people, up for a laugh, get the work done, but don't take things too seriously..
Well, actually, that is our floor, let's not discuss the next floor up where the "Sales" teams are based, I mean, for starters, who WON'T be a toast topping melt up there?
But then I remembered one miserable stick in the mud. Her desk was on a corner point at the end of the floor and she would complain that people were walking past her desk too quickly and causing a draft. She printed off 5mph road signs on a sheet of A4 and stuck them on the walls beside her desk. She then got a cardboard box and bog roll tube and created a speed camera contraption and stuck that above the 5mph sign with a Slow Down Police Speed Camera sign beside it.
One day I was walking back to my desk minding my own business when she turned around when she obviously heard me traipsing down the corridor, jumped up shoved her hand out and shouted "SLOW DOWN - CANT YOU SEE THE SIGNS"?
My only response was "Get a life, or perhaps a cardigan". [Post edited 18 Sep 2015 15:19]
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:19 - Sep 18 with 3496 views | EastR |
The scrounger
You know the type, always on the lookout for anything going free, and is always the one responsible for the copper shrapnel in the bottom of any leaving collections.
We had one who was always hanging back in the office when everyone was heading out for a beer after work. ‘I’m just finishing this quickly, I’ll be there in 5, and someone get me a pint please, ta’.
This went on for about half a dozen times before it was noted that he never got a round in.
So one day we all left as usual, he made his excuses and said see you there.
When he arrived to the pub we were all sitting at a table drink free waiting for him. His jaw hit the floor, he knew he'd been rumbled. Get them in Alan you tight bar steward. | |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:23 - Sep 18 with 3474 views | A40Bosh |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:19 - Sep 18 by EastR |
The scrounger
You know the type, always on the lookout for anything going free, and is always the one responsible for the copper shrapnel in the bottom of any leaving collections.
We had one who was always hanging back in the office when everyone was heading out for a beer after work. ‘I’m just finishing this quickly, I’ll be there in 5, and someone get me a pint please, ta’.
This went on for about half a dozen times before it was noted that he never got a round in.
So one day we all left as usual, he made his excuses and said see you there.
When he arrived to the pub we were all sitting at a table drink free waiting for him. His jaw hit the floor, he knew he'd been rumbled. Get them in Alan you tight bar steward. |
We have one bloke who does a tour of the floors at around 2:30pm every single day on the excuse of going to see someone about something, but we know he is actually doing a tour of the meeting room areas on each floor to see if there have been any clients in for long meetings where lunch has been ordered and the drying out remains have been left out on the tables for the vultures to swoop in before the facilities staff come back to clear up. | |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:28 - Sep 18 with 3462 views | paulparker |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:23 - Sep 18 by A40Bosh |
We have one bloke who does a tour of the floors at around 2:30pm every single day on the excuse of going to see someone about something, but we know he is actually doing a tour of the meeting room areas on each floor to see if there have been any clients in for long meetings where lunch has been ordered and the drying out remains have been left out on the tables for the vultures to swoop in before the facilities staff come back to clear up. |
Sounds like the office yogurt thief, every office has one
fcuker must have nicked my muller corner on about 5 occasions | |
| And Bowles is onside, Swinburne has come rushing out of his goal , what can Bowles do here , onto the left foot no, on to the right foot
That’s there that’s two, and that’s Bowles
Brian Moore
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:33 - Sep 18 with 3453 views | PunteR |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:17 - Sep 18 by highleverhoopL |
The Message Board Junkie
Spends all his time posting on football message boards when he should be *******
working..
I'll get my coat |
Guilty as charged..  | |
| Occasional providers of half decent House music. |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:54 - Sep 18 with 3395 views | izlingtonhoop |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:17 - Sep 18 by A40Bosh |
Being the easy going chap I am, I was struggling to come up with a candidate, as I am probably fortunate that I happen to work in an office where there are a lot of good people, up for a laugh, get the work done, but don't take things too seriously..
Well, actually, that is our floor, let's not discuss the next floor up where the "Sales" teams are based, I mean, for starters, who WON'T be a toast topping melt up there?
But then I remembered one miserable stick in the mud. Her desk was on a corner point at the end of the floor and she would complain that people were walking past her desk too quickly and causing a draft. She printed off 5mph road signs on a sheet of A4 and stuck them on the walls beside her desk. She then got a cardboard box and bog roll tube and created a speed camera contraption and stuck that above the 5mph sign with a Slow Down Police Speed Camera sign beside it.
One day I was walking back to my desk minding my own business when she turned around when she obviously heard me traipsing down the corridor, jumped up shoved her hand out and shouted "SLOW DOWN - CANT YOU SEE THE SIGNS"?
My only response was "Get a life, or perhaps a cardigan". [Post edited 18 Sep 2015 15:19]
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Sorry Bosh. That first paragraph is a bit Brentian.
You will never work in a place like this again.
These people are mucking around, right, whilst getting the job done! They're having a laugh at work with the sword of Damacles hanging over them! |  | | |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 16:04 - Sep 18 with 3370 views | A40Bosh |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 15:54 - Sep 18 by izlingtonhoop |
Sorry Bosh. That first paragraph is a bit Brentian.
You will never work in a place like this again.
These people are mucking around, right, whilst getting the job done! They're having a laugh at work with the sword of Damacles hanging over them! |
I know, but it's true, I've worked with some right miserable sods in my time, but the lot I am with the last 6 years are a good bunch, we play five a side football during the better months after work, go out for a Thai lunch every Friday, have a few pints every so often, spend all day discussing the previous night's matches. Perhaps because we are all blokes and around the same age, we just get on. It's surely just a coincidence that the only one to wind me up was stick thin miserable female and a Brummie!!! | |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 16:06 - Sep 18 with 3363 views | WilloW4 |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 13:57 - Sep 18 by Superhoop83 |
Clockwatching Carol
I inherited one of these when I moved to a new company and she worked with me for 9 long years before I managed to get shot.
She managed to combine shooting off early every single day for 9 years, to get down to the stables and her beloved nag, with an obsession with clock watching and highlighting lateness to anyone who was even a minute late into work. "Traffic bad today?", "Good afternoon", etc.
So obsessed was she with the clock, she would also refuse to answer the phone if it rang at 8.59 or 1.01 - she would actually look up at the clock and get back to her book if anyone tried to trample all over her unpaid time. She even told someone who dared to walk into reception over lunch and speak to her that she "won't get the time back".
She would then happily sod off at 4.45 without any hint of apology or understanding of the irony of it.
I'd like to say that she was a team player but she was also a complete bitch who had nothing good to say about anyone except the boss, to whom she was a snivelling creep.
At least she had some interesting conversation, if you were a horse obsessive with no sense of humour. |
Clock watching carol.. Brilliant post superhoop83. |  | | |
| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 16:09 - Sep 18 with 3352 views | BrianMcCarthy |
The Bullshit Bingo Man.
"Have you that done?"
"Right...ya...well we sat down about that, got our heads together, ran some ideas up the flagpole, still some fine-tuning to do, dot the i's and cross the t's, will revert as soon as, leave it with me, I'll chase it up"
"So, no. It's not done."
"No."
Speak English, y'lazy bollix. |  |
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| The Biggest Toast Topping Melt Your've ever Worked With. on 16:33 - Sep 18 with 3312 views | johncharles |
The boss's son.
Know everything but knows nothing. Does a lot of work for charity l.e. The Round Table etc.
Of course all this is done by company employees during working hours using company facilities and vehicles. All he actually did was take the credit.
It was a timber company by the way.
You have many contacts
Amongst the Lumberjacks
To bring you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But no one has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To give a cheque
To tax deductible charity organisations. [Post edited 18 Sep 2015 17:13]
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| Strong and stable my arse. |
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