It was a great honor to be called to sit in on an
owners meeting at Loftus Road last week...

With the new regime settling in it had been difficult to gain the usual insider information that BT so often enjoyed in the past.

The boardroom had changed beyond recognition. Gone were the 70’s flock wallpapers and lava lamps, gone were the commemorative Best Toilets Award 1997-99 chipped urinal shaped china cup tea set, and gone was Mrs Miggins the tea lady, whose stumbling walk and shaky tray had inspired Julie Waters to create Mrs Overall in Acorn antiques.

Instead the room now resembled the kind of lair usually reserved for James Bond villains, complete with lasers and authentic shark tank, and what looked like parts of lesser squad players. Mrs Miggins had been replaced by a bevy of Crazy Horse beauties who stood in thigh length blue and white high heeled boots and little else other than Rangers scarves and bobble hats. One such beauty offered me a choice of up to 24 varieties of coffee from the Titanium and diamond encrusted vending machine, eventually bringing me a Mochacuppalattechino served in a rare hand carved mammoth’s tooth. It was obvious that we had moved up in the world.

Two of the three new owners attend the meeting. Firstly, Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhode’s dad Ernie Warhol Beckleston and secondly pussy stroking motor magnet Fabulous Bringandbuysaleo, who in true Bond style was sat in a reclining leather armchair stroking a newly greyed Jude, the club cat.

“A lot of people thought we had got rid of Jude,” explained Fabulous, wheezing under the weight of the six foot five mascot curled up on his lap. “But it was pointed out to us that he is a tradition here and besides that we temporarily got rid of so many players that we had to put him on the bench for two weeks after he ate Mickey Mancini's hamstring.”

Ernie paced the room and started by showing me some work he had completed on his flip chart. “As you know we are wealthy and ambitious people,” Mr.Warhol explained. “It is important that this great club gets back to achieving the week in week out feckless spanking after feckless spanking it deserves in the top flight as quickly as possible. To do this we have had to let a lot of players go," he pointed to the shark tank at this point, "and that has paved the way to really build a new and much bigger squad... So I ask you a question Bosh. What do you think the human population of the World is currently?”

It was a strange question but I thought about this for ten seconds and answered. “Hmmm, I think it’s about 6.2 billion.”

Ernie wrote this number on the flip chart and stood back for a second to consider it.

“Interesting... 6.2 billion is a lot of people…. But possibly still not enough to build a squad with the kind of depth we need.”

“How many of those people are female?” Asked Fabulous.

“And more to the point, how many of them are fit fit fit?”

“That is why Fab is the genius he is,” explained Ernie. “You see what he’s doing there, yes? You see? Beautiful football, beautiful crowd. I love his mind. Only problem,” he thought, writing the number 6,200,000,000 on the board, “is that is going to take up quite a lot of room on the back of the shirt.”

“We could start writing the squad numbers horizontally,” Fab pointed out, slowly turning blue as eighteen stone of cat asked for it’s tummy to be tickled.

Ernie nodded and smiled again. “You see. Total genius.”

This was all very impressive to me, as was the shoulder and head massage I was receiving from two of the Crazy Horse girls as I sipped my coffee. “Can I ask about the new owner and partner, Laxative Mebell?” I requested tentatively.

“Of course,” Ernie nodded. So I continued. “I think it’s great that another fantastically wealthy man has come into the club but I was concerned to read in the papers that he may not be investing much into building the squad. And that he doesn’t know too much about football.”

“It’s nonsense what the papers write,” Ernie explained. “Lax is fully committed here at QPR and has a very good understanding of the game. Only yesterday he came into this very room, opened his chequebook and wrote a cheque for a million pounds. He handed it to me and said Ernie, here’s a million quid for starters to go and buy that batsman you need.”

“There has been a lot of rubbish written about Metal Mitty,” Fab piped up as Jude finally sprung off his lap and proceeded to lick his bottom on the rug (his own bottom). “The papers said Lax would take the stanchions out the stands and sell them for scrap. What a stupid thing to say... Obviously he would put scaffolding up first.”

I turned my attentions to the squad and the recent comings and goings.

“I also hear that some players have been told they have no future here. Is this true?”

“Again press talk,” Mr.Warhol snapped angrily. “That is miles from the truth. We are a family here, a team, every player has his value to us at this club... I mean, no one remembers a sandwich order like Zeb Rainman. You can’t put a price on a man who always brings change, plastic folks and extra serviettes back can you? And what about Stepvan Mork? I mean in these days of climate change you have to have players like him who basically move so little that they have virtually no carbon footprint.”

“Good answer,” I replied, knowing that time was pressing for these fellas I moved on. “Can I ask in a nutshell what the overall plan is for QPR over the next year or two?”

Fab came over to the flip chart and turned a page. Picking up a marker pen and swathed the answers across the paper.

“First, we are going to buy Chelsea and shut it down. Then we are going to knock their ground down and build a Tesco. Tesco logo colours are blue and white. So that is the first step. Then we buy Tesco. As you know we are ambitious and impatient and we want to play a slick fast passing game at the highest level. To this effect we are going to limit the current spending and then what we are going to do is buy Arsenal, paint the ground blue and sew QPR badges over the top of their current shirts and rename the whole place Queens Park Rangers. It may be a quick fix but it will get the job done in less than our predicted four years. We’ve even changed the manager’s name by deed poll to R’sand Rangers. He'll get used to it, it's almost the same.”

Ernie picked up on this last point. “At which point Lax will step in and buy the whole human race on a four and a half year contract. One world, one QPR, that is the initial aim. Obviously after that there’s the bigger possibility of taking the brand to other planets like Mars and beyond. But we won’t start looking at that until next season. Or at least until the end of this one.”

At this point the guys needed a break to have their hair reglazed and resettled. As they exited the room the two beautiful Crazy Horse girls giving me a head and shoulder massage kindly asked if there was anything else I wanted. “No the massage is great,” I smiled gratefully, “just keep doing that, and if you could also just repeat that line Fab said about Chelsea over and over again I think I’m all settled here.”

Part two follows shortly… Bosh Times

Photo: Action Images

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