Bosh Times is back for the new season, looking back on QPR's opening day victory against Barnsley at Loftus Road.

The traveller had covered nearly two thousand miles during his expansive trek. He had scaled great mountains, his lungs barely able to take in more air, his limbs frozen with pain as he endured temperatures that man under any normal circumstances shouldn’t be able to tolerate. At the other end of the scale he had trudged through knee-deep searing sands, almost unable to move as the fifty-seven degree heat and biting of scorpions in his boots threatened to bring him down and claim his last burning breathe. And yet he had survived all this and made it back to HQ, against all the odds. His body aching with pain, his skin blistered and burnt almost beyond recognition, he pulled himself upright in front of the gathered chamber of officials and with all the knowledge that he had gathered from the four corners of the globe he announced…

“Okay… I think the mascot should be a fecking tiger.”

And so started the bizarre new season at Loftus Road. Newly refurbished to the point that even the old chewing gum at the back of the stand had been lovingly painted over in gold leaf. On the pitch weather conditions that had only ever been seen before at the beginning of Alien 3 merged with scenes from TV’s Wackiest Barbecue Home Video Moments and four girls from the legendary Teen Spirit, Nirvana music promo… and a fecking tiger. Rangers then emerged, wearing beyond ankle length blue shorts that even made nine foot German centre back Fritz Wall look like one of Snow White’s dwarfs. Poor Cookie monster had turn ups on his shorts so he didn’t fall over them.

Fortunately even though the ground is small the clever new owners had wised up to the fact that people passing in aircraft on their way to Heathrow could finally catch some of the game on the jumbo screen that sits on top of the stands, where no one else can actually see it. The only surprise for tourists landing in London being the fact that watching Rangers from an aircraft classifies them as Copper seat holders and a £400 surcharge. It’s called a Jumbo screen folks, the clue’s in the name!

The first twenty minutes were played as if the R’s had been on a training camp with Derren Brown - ‘On the count of three you will forget everything you have ever learnt about football’. It was a great trick and worked a treat. Even Barnyardsly fell for it, carving Rangers apart like a Samurai sword through a sea of boiling lard. It was only when Derren finally remembered to click his fingers again that Rangers were ‘back in the room’. Step up Rangers new hotshot winger Emmanuelle 3D Jorgeporgepuddingandpie Knife and Falklands Ledesniperma. A kid of immense left footed talent and that the R’s can capture at the end of this season for a shade under three euros. The mercurial South American come Italian showed the kind of flair that had been missing since C is for Cookie It’s Good Enough For Me left last time. Having survived being riddled with more bullets from more angles than JFK in 1963 the kid jinked and janked his way around Barnowls’ defenders with the ease and assurance of a player three times his age… Or Teddy Sheringham.

Rangers bounced back from the early indignity of an away goal by piling on the pressure at the other end where Fritz Wall, Rangers 08/09 prolific top scorer so far opened his account for the season by doing a one two with the crossbar, before finally tripping up Legs and bundling big Pat out the way to force the ball over the line at the tenth attempt. A minute later the massive goal machine was on hand again, turning at an acute angle to leather the ball from fully twenty yards, even though his boot had become badly caught up in his right shorts leg. Running off with his shorts legs flailing behind him like two blue streamers or something from the back of a red arrow the Rangers faithful rose to acknowledge a great goal and the fact that Rangers had become the first professional football team to lead a game wearing the new and highly fashionable twelve foot long shorts design. It was a great moment and at the other end as the ball broke the net Rangers goalie Radish Curley leapt up and punched the air in delight, although most of us in Block F thought he should have caught it.

There was still time for Channel 4 psychopath Dexter to be upended by a flying phantom at the Loft end. Designated penalty misser Fritz duly stepped up to the plate and gently passed the ball to the goalkeeper. It was a terrific display of gentlemanly conduct and got a warm round of applause from both sets of supporters.

Meanwhile new boy Danni Periscope, on loan from Rail Mud-rift showed signs that he may well be the Roald Dahl although he ended the game suffering from neck strain caused by watching the ball whiz 100 feet over his head and then looking up at the jumbo screen to see where the ball had actually gone. However he was on long enough for Reds defender and vampire slayer Van Helsing to earn his ‘I tried to cripple a Spaniard’ T-shirt and jolly nice it looked too.

With one game down and forty-five to go Rangers look like they may well go all the way this time, but that will be down to them being able to play Bandsleigh every week at home, a side destined never to beat us at Loftus Road, even if we don’t turn up. The new era is under way and it will be steeped in club history and class including flag waving air stewardesses and a fecking tiger that needs a good meal. Ah it’s just like the 70’s!

- Bosh Times

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