Bosh looks back on the poor turn of form in the past fortnight and pinpoints the problems in his own unique style.

“The thing is that when you come in to a club you don’t have much time to hit the ground running,” admitted R’s gaffer Healbee Nodoubtfired. “The fans have said that we are route one, passing badly, headless chickens, playing the wrong players out of position and that we’ve gone back two years. What I need to remind the fans is that I’ve managed to do all that in just ten weeks.”

As Rangers went north to Burningspam and more than matched Brums under par performance Nodoubtfired reflected on the general improvements over the last few weeks.

“The results haven’t gone our way I admit that but we were winning games a few weeks back and having players cautioned and sent off. That depletes a squad over the season. We’ve looked at that and also at the injuries we’ve picked up. So the new training and match day policy has been to pull out of tackles wherever possible. That in turn limits our injuries and suspensions. It also means I can consistently play all my holding midfielders in every game. If I can get Boldercity in and buy back Marcus Beanbag and Stefan Irish Baileys Cream that should really give us a line across midfield that’s hard to break down, as long as they don’t tackle anyone. We may lose games but we’ll have a strong, fit squad.”

Nodoubtfired also went on about the phasing statistics recently.

“We’ve been playing quite well in the first phase with our fat molecule to pass rate ratio at 84% up until the Brown Derby game. Obviously our second phase play, involving the all important running about to Latin bicentennial hiphop index quota fell from 76% to 48%. This was bad enough without phases three to eight being reduced to 29% based on the formation of the team divided by the speed of the rotation of the earth. If you then times shots on target by the average speed and energy a gazelle can generate on a unicycle you start to see how obvious our dip of form is, divided by all the people in China, if they were to jump up and down at the same time on one foot. Although my data isn’t accurate enough to work out what foot that would be on.”

Takings at Loftus Road have also gone down with concerned staff blaming recent performances for the downturn in orders of Lobster Thermidor in a basket and plastic beakers of Krug, Clos du Mesnil. One insider also commented that the Rangers Boutique restaurant newly renamed ‘No Riffraffs’ had cancelled this months order for gigantic Italian White Alba truffles on a stick. A fact bemoaned by R’s supremo Fellacio Blowjobatory as he tucked in to his morning gold leaf plated Mars bar before complaining how small it was and how it didn't have enough edible diamonds in it.

The two week break appears to have come at an opportune moment for the team as its form has started to dip quicker than the Titanic on a big dipper being pushed out of an aeroplane.

“The break has done us a favour,” admitted Nodoubtfired. “Motivation is key to my players and you can shout and scream all you like at half time. But sometimes the players just can’t seem to take it all in above the din of their Ipods, mobile phones and computer games. A lot of our players are also very young so they tend to lose focus quite quickly and that often happens at the half hour mark in the game when quite a few of them need to go to the toilet. You have to be quite well set up when you have to take two or three of them off for a toilet break at the same time. There’s also the problem with dealing with those who don’t manage to quite hold on before they get off the pitch. Why do you think we’ve started to play in yellow shorts when we play in black?”

Speaking about Roland Grapevine the gaffer was keen to play down the news of the set back. “Roland is doing very well but our physio feels that the bone is not yet strong enough. It’s been miserable for Grapevine but to be fair the only way to see how it’s doing is to kick him in the shin every day and then time how long it takes him to get up. The delay has only actually come about because our physio kicked him in the wrong shin. The broken one is doing quite well, this new one may take longer, he kicked that one much harder.”

Finally, talking about the pressure of the job, Nodoubtfired was keen to quash the rumours going around.

“In football its part of the game to hear that you are about to be sacked. I don’t worry about it all because at the end of the day it’s all about statistics. We’ve won more than we’ve lost after all and our left and right back pass completion statistic divided by our ability to track back and cut out crosses ratio has leapt up by 1% to 3% since the dawn of time. We’ll come back bigger and stronger against Naffingham Forkrest and I have no doubt that even if we lose that game that our phase 13.5 pingpong to ramalamadingdong ratio will be somewhere to the west in the third moon sector of Alderan. And that has to be good for everyone connected with QPR.”

- Bosh Times

Discuss this story on the Message Board

One user has commented on this stroy. Click here to add your thoughts:

Good to read plain common sense! I must do it sometime. -pwhaw

Photo: Action Images

Queens Park Rangers Polls