Bosh returns with a New Year update and message for QPR fans. Prepare to go through the looking glass.

Portugaffer Keiser Sorcerer looked out across the haloed boutique turf, tables, table-cloths and napkins at the newly renamed L’Rangers Spectac Dejour with a satisfied smile as 2008, renamed 08-premier year by the board came to a close. Having coached the side for well over half a dozen games and thus becoming the longest serving manager in the last six weeks Sorcerer has done well to turn the side that lost 26-0 to Whatfart only weeks ago in to a slightly rusty, but okay oiled machine.

“When I came here,” announced Sorcerer, wearing an evening suit and surrounded by hooped G-Stringed lap dancers in the No Riff Raff Or Supporters club bar, “I knew it was going to be a long haul and only a few weeks later I have been presented with a clock to commemorate the fact that I am now the longest serving manager this month, or in the club’s new era.” The clock, presented to Sorcerer was emblazoned with the club’s new time keeping sponsors P45 and is testament to the new portugaffer’s dedication to his new post.

“It’s about finding a formation that suits the team,” he explained. “In the first few weeks we tried out a number of formations. The star formation, the square formation, the round formation, the hash sign formation, the X-Wing formation, the TIE fighter formation, the river dance formation, the semaphore formation, the Egyptian walk formation, the line dance formation, the hopscotch formation, the Morecambe and Wise formation, the Take That formation, the cheese and wine formation, before finally settling for the platinum formation. But our club owner, Mr. Blowjobatory didn’t think that was glamorous enough, so it’s now the diamond formation.”

Sorcerer also went on to explain that although the diamond formation has been popular so far that the upper management have only installed it to be watched by those paying over £3,500 for a season ticket.

“The management here want football played on a multi tier level. Diamond formation for the top paying guests and 60-yard aimless hoof football for the gold, silver and bronze tier supporters. It’s a hard balance to find so we have a squad of players who can either pass the ball and play sumptuous football or boot it miles in the air to no one. That takes time but I feel that our full backs have mastered it already and it’s now up to the rest of my players to catch up fast, for the benefit of what the management term as ‘the lower class peasants’”.

With automatic promotion still a vague possibility if parts of the north and west of England crash in to the sea and are swept away things are looking positive for the ‘Super hoops’, the new term used for those sitting in the platinum seats and plain old ‘hoops’ for bronze, silver and gold class peasants. Commercial manager Alleged Rustbucket was keen to stress how much of a success putting regular class ticket holders in ducking stools and stocks has been this season.

“As most people can see the stadium has been packed this season. Especially since we introduced the policy allowing bronze, silver and gold supporters to come dressed as empty seats.”

Rustbucket was also keen to defend the ticket prices and the proposed price rises that will come in to effect during matches in 2009.

“Success,” he explained, “is usually something that goes hand in hand with paying more money. Money breeds money as they say, success breeds success and money is therefore often the currency of success. That’s why we have started the new match tariffs during 2009. If we draw nil nil, then that is the regular price, if we win by one goal then there is a ten pounds surcharge. If goals are scored before half time then there is also a further £5 handling charge, which will be collected from peasant classes at the break. If we win by two goals it’s a £20 surcharge and when we start winning by three goals or more, well then we are in what the management call ‘upper zone class’ and that means that the surcharge could even be raised to having to secure a car or a first born child against the result. If we win by five goals then we basically would look for supporters to hand us the keys to their homes. This club needs to move forward and although we are in the grips of a recession I think most supporters would be glad to live on the streets if it meant Premiership football and lobster Bovril for the owners. It may sound harsh but this is a business. If we do ever lose a game then the fans can actually leave the ground without charge and we won’t hose them down with water canons either. So it does ultimately cut both ways.”

With the transfer skylight window opening in January Sorcerer is looking forward to making some quality purchases.

“As everyone knows we have agreed a deal on left winger Limp Cock and are well down the road to signing striker Hoover Helicopterson. We have also been linked with a move for Warning Roadrage. So things are looking pretty bright,” Keiser explained unveiling a new crystal award for the longest serving manager during the writing of Bosh Times paragraph.

As Alleged Rustbucket explained as the clocks ticked over to 09-premier.

“For many this year is something special and we have reflected that by installing boutique football, a new manager every five or six games and a jumbo screen which nearly works in colour. Our aim is to gain automatic promotion and the owners firmly believe that Keiser Sorcerer is the man to do that. Or some other bloke if he doesn’t work out. Or someone else, or someone else after that. Not that we want too many managers on gardening leave or it will just end up looking like Jurassic Park versus Gardner’s World out there.”

As we move in to 09-premier it just leaves me to say happy New Year to all my fellow long serving peasants. One day we will be back where we belong in the premiership and when we are my dad and I will be watching from the full glory of a Comet or curries shop window where we will be playing on Setanta or Sky, in the plastic class picnic seats, which will only be six grand a season for me, and just five for my dad as he’s over 65!
Bosh Times

Photo: Action Images

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