So why are you here?

I'm sot sure but I think it involved several pints of beer, a Cadburys Buttons Easter Egg, a couple of comments about how easy things must be and next thing I knew, bang I was here.

Probably best not to ask then?

Well, seeing as I don't actually know the full answer you can ask away but you won't get any answers. But the simple fact is I am here and you have to put up with it?

So what you supposed to be doing?

The match preview by all accounts. You know, the one where you throw some cheap stereotypes together, a couple of half hidden jokes (poor ones) and claim that you are looking forward to the 'big match'

I know that so where is it?

Umm, not quite there as yet. Bastard got me for the Oldham game - probably the one side in this division that don't have any typical stereotypes. You know Tranmere = Scousers, Forest = Former European Champions, Bournemouth = Old People that kind of thing. But Oldham. Nothing.

They're Northern though?

And so are plenty of others in this division. Doesn't really help. Small club in Manchester is hardly an insult. Even small town in sodding Wigan is almost a compliment for them. And they don't even have a scouse accent to make it easier.

Ham jokes?

He did them last week with Rotherham. They weren't funny then so I don't see why they would be now. Ham Radio was close but that's in the picture - the best thing has gone before I have even pounded the keyboard.

Are they any good at football?

Four weeks ago I though they were the next best thing to the Brazilian 1970 World Cup Winners. They're fans told us they were superb and how they were going to blitz the play offs. All from a best position of 7th place. Must be the Nothern upbringing I suppose.

Famous past?

Depends on whether you class Andy Ritchie as famous. I think Denis Irwin played for them a few times and they had someone called Frankie Bunn too. But even he would have been better suited to last week - Hot Cross Bunn and all that garbage.

Rubbish then?

That's what garbage is - well done.

How about the match as we know it?

Well, Oldhams form is bad. The only side probably with worst form than Oldham are us. So a feast of football is on the cards for sure. I'd say a 0-0 draw would be on the cards but the defences are too bad to do things like that. 9 each perhaps.

Team News?

We have one and so do they. 'cos we're struggling so much with goals like we're considering leaving out our top goalscorer. Clever or what? Oldham will never know what to do to counteract that piece of genius. We're also struggling to keep a clean sheet, maybe we should leave our goalkeeper out as well. He could have a nice chat with the fans again, discussing the merits of LPG and the likes.

Their team news?

Do you honestly think I care? Unless we play about four hundred times better than we played on Monday then we'll lose comprehensively so it doesn't make a lot of difference. Plus in addition if I talked about who is in and who is out then it would make it look as if I knew what I was talking about. And I don't.

So what will the result be?

If I knew things like that then do you honestly think I would spend my time writing match previews. Ask the chuffing pools panel if it means that much to you to know now. Duh!

Are you doing another preview?

If the saps that read it like this one then yes. If they don't then definitely just to annoy them. Friends for life I think is the motto. Maybe not.

Thanks

You're welcome.

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PREDICTIONS SO FAR 21:25 21 April 2006