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'Special' Treatment 12:42 - Oct 31 with 4442 views

Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today after it emerged that everybody has it in for them.

Chub Chairman, Stewart Day admitted he was mystified at yet another winding-up order issued by HMRC, saying the tax bill wasn’t yet 30 days due and would be settled on time.

“HMRC seem intent on shutting a football club down to send out a message and it seems we are their preferred partner in this matter.....it's just not fair” the shifty boy said mid-tantrum.

'Its ok Stewie, mummy make it better'

In a further twist to the conspiracy theory, several fans were aghast at being chucked out of Gigg Lane at the recent Bolton match when loose change from their pockets mysteriously found its way into the away end where visiting supporters had the temerity to get in the way of the loose change, provoking cries of “It’s not our fault” from the home fans. Although a club official said it was the most actual hard cash injected into the club since Fat Stewie arrived in off the bury streets.

bury's accountant 'At least its not another loan'

EGP has also uncovered further evidence of the D.E.B.T. (Directive Effecting Bury's Team) campaign being waged when we received a call from someone who sounded suspiciously like The Chur.

However, it transpired it was Durham-based referee Geoff Eltringham, who was keen to pass on a memo he had received from David Allison from the Referee's Association.
It read: “Can we remind all referees that if officiating a bury game, should a player go down in the penalty area being defended by bury, a penalty kick is to be awarded no matter how innocuous the incident looked. Care must also be taken not to get in the way of any loose change (now known as collateral) which may accidentally emanate from the pockets of the bury supporters.”

Naturally we were amazed at this, but Peter Bankes confirmed he too had received the same email just days before he was due to referee Rochdale v bury.

He said to us, “It was an easy penalty to give because it occurred on the Main Stand side of the penalty box, so I was out of range of the visiting supporters.”

Zach Clough/Matty Lund* yesterday (*delete as appropriate)

Just when it appeared things couldn’t get any worse for the cash-strapped outfit, local journalist David Conn (which isn’t a made up name) put in the national media a story confirming what had been suspected; that being that the plucky club was living beyond its means and had been doing for some time.

He wrote that the club have accumulated debts totalling £8.4m and the auditors have warned that bury FC is no longer a going concern. Given that supporters of bury cannot be arsed to ask the important questions, we hot-footed it to speak to their Chief Executive, Glenn Thomas.

Press play before reading further as it adds to the moment. Honest

From behind a Louis XVI Style Mahogany Partners desk (available from 1stdibs.com for £75,000) and sat on Saski Four series Humanistic Massage Chair (available from The Gym Company for a princely £3695.00) , he told us that whilst cash flow is always difficult at football clubs, they have received recently a six figure sum from Liverpool for a youth player and in any case, the projected losses in the next set of accounts are only £2.5m.

He concluded by ranting, “ What people need to realise is that if we hadn’t walked in off the street and invested £7m, this club would have folded three and a half years ago. So the club’s lived longer than it ought to have. And what really annoys me is some of our fans only focus on the negatives'. He paused briefly swivelled on his chair and stared at the port De La Trinite watercolour (£21,900), and inhaled deeply on a Hamlet cigar.

'Any more probing questions and the boys will have to... shall we say .... "deal".... with you'

'They always try to pick holes in this tremendous ride we are on. Often it is fans of other clubs who take it upon themselves with a ‘we know best’ attitude which is starting to annoy a lot of special people within the club. Special people who work and play for nothing, who put in considerable amounts of time and their own money and for what? To be ridiculed in the press and by keyboard warriors?”

We then realised we needed to hot-foot it to Huddersfield, and speak to the main man.

We arrived at Mr. Day’s mum’s house to be met by his mother, Doris. “Is Stewie in?” we asked. She replied, “He won’t be long, he’s just on the cake run.”

Ten minutes later, a breathless Stewie arrived carrying a box of five vanilla ices and four iced fingers, which we thought would be enough to get a normal family of three through not just the weekend but until next spring. A Milky Bar fell out of his coat pocket as he sat down asking us what was our business.

'Mum! I'm home'

We were surprised how breathless the chubster was given that he’d recently been mithering to join in with bury’s first team training and had even got his own training top with the letters SD stitched on above his left moob. It was rumoured that the training staff wanted to put 'FB' on his top, although Forever bury surprisingly told us it was nothing to do with them.

'Less drinky Tubs, get running'!'

Nevertheless, we presented him with our findings and ruefully - in a voice that sounded just like Geoff Eltringham - he told us that the strain of delivering the five year plan was taking its toll, but was still achievable due to the special person he had installed as Manager, the special pitch that he’d had laid, as well as the new special furniture and special carpets installed at the dilapidated Gigg Lane stadium.

“We won’t be there much longer either. It’s not fit for purpose so I’m going to build a new special 20,000 all-seater stadium complex which will include a special hotel and a special casino,” he added. We want to be known as 'special' club, who have 'special' fans

We couldn't argue with him there.

We said, “We’ve got one question and we want a yes or no answer. Is there a mystery, philanthropic, financial backer behind the scenes?”

Stewie replied, “No.”

Don't have nightmares. We will be back.