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The circus fraternity were in uproar yesterday when the Clowns Union National Trust (C.U.N.T.) released a statement that in the future, clowns will be arriving into the big top, not on a rickety old car, but on a 1:500 scale reproduction of Gigg Lane.
“We have been monitoring the situation in burry, sorry, bury. And we think it’s the best way to bring the ‘collapsing car’ into the modern age.” said laugh-a-minute clown, Giggling Gordon, who is head of the C.U.N.T. organisation.
“Circus-goers for years have been amused and entertained by the traditional old car that arrives and breaks down in the middle of the stage area, only to slowly collapse and the driver be left just holding the steering wheel. Well, from what I’ve seen over the last few months, Gigg Lane is a perfect modernisation for this automobile high jinx. Our only decision now is what the ‘driver’ is going to be left holding,” said the excited Gordon, whilst honking his comedy red nose.
“Since our press release we have had suggestions about what this final item should be, from circus-goers and bury fans alike. For instance Rob, from Prestwich, was insistent that it should be a ‘geet big scoreboard’, but early last night we got a mysterious phone call from a young man with a Stockton-on-Tees accent, saying that it should be a copy of the mortgage agreement.”
Not enough of a Giggle?
Unfortunately, a splinter group of C.U.N.T., Gigg Isn’t The Stadium (GITS), have opposed the move, stating that although they welcome a change to arriving in a car, arriving in a scaled down Gigg Lane is inappropriate. It would be far better to arrive in a more historic and illustrious stadium, for example Fratton Park.
“Us clowns have a proud tradition, but even we couldn’t arrive in the big top on such a shit hole, no matter how funny. If they had joined up corners on all sides then maybe, but you can’t kid clowns with a few new sofas and a lick of paint,” said Smilesey the twenty-year veteran apologist clown.
“Our only immediate concern is that Pompey seem to have sorted themselves out, whereas, burry, sorry bury, are continuing to provide massive amusement.”
The argument will no doubt continue and with this in mind an independent arbitrator has been brought in to try and settle the two sides of this clowning conundrum. Nev the Magic Clown (who is always present when the chips are down), has been brought in to referee the debate and is planning a summit next month, controversially at the ‘newly refurbished’ Starkey lounge in the stadium at the middle of all this controversy, Gigg Lane.
This, predictably, has angered a few clowns. “I really don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Nev, waving his comedy arms about. “It’s not the first time that we’ve had C.U.N.T.s and G.I.T.s in Gigg Lane,’ he argued. “We only had a meeting last week.”
Meanwhile, bury’s followers entered into the spirit of things by clowning around on the Big bury Messageboard. Writing in earnest, one wrote: ‘I wonder if the new owners have given thought to undersoil heating.’
And within a few minutes he received the following reply: ‘I thought this is would have been one of the first things they would have announced; if the ‘chairman’ has genuine visions of the Championship then undersoil is a must. All ‘big’ clubs have undersoil heating to maximise revenue.’
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