You have heard of the secret footballer, we have the secret message board poster and here is his latest contribution bringing you the stories that the media are too scared to bring you.
Hi, Alan, what’s it feel like to finally retire from the BBC
after 126 years?
It’s 26 years actually.
Sorry Alan, did I say 126 years?
Yes.
It did seem an awfully long time, Alan, are you SURE it
Was only 26 years?
Yes, 26 years.
Now Alan, Garry has "dumbo” ears, Mr Shearer has had
his personality/humour bypass, Lawro is Lawro and you
say "poo-er” instead of poor. Have you always had language problems?
I don’t know what you mean?
Well Alan, a Scot living in Liverpool, it must have been a
bit of a challenge?
Now Alan, is it true that the other pundits gave you stick
about you going on and on about Brazil’s poo-er defence,
without somehow mentioning that Germany had scored
5 goals by half-time?
Yes, well defence is very important and needs to be discussed at length.
Alan, people want to see goals, nil- nil makes Alan a dull boy.
Now Alan, what’s this all about, giving Saints 30 seconds every "Match of the Day” and Liverpool 15 minutes?
Well, on average, both teams get 7 ¾ minutes each.
I see what you did there, Alan!
So basically, Alan, the BBC hates Saints and won’t give them air-time on principal, yes?
I thought that was common knowledge.
Lastly, Alan, since the advent of TV recorders, every man and his dog, has recorded MOTD, waited 15 minutes and fast-forwarded till that thing called football is on.
I haven’t heard a word you have said for at least 6 years!
Alan, are you alright? You’ve gone awfully pale.
Oh my God, didn’t you know? Didn’t anyone TELL you?