Bosh is back for the new season, looking back at a topsy turvey opening match on the pitch and more madness in the board room.

Life in the R’s lane  - Bosh Times

QPR. The club that makes an episode of 24 look
uneventful kicked off the 2007/8 season with an
impressive last gasp draw against the new West Country
boys, famous for having six toes on each foot and for
being married to their own sisters. Earlier in the day
new boy Ben Sahaaaaaaghhhhh had lived up to his
surname, celebrating both his eighth birthday and
first team call up by exploding his own appendix.

With both Sahaaaaaghhhh and new boy Simon ‘Good night
John boy’ Walton playing temporarily alongside each
other for Holby City, VMB (Vlad Marmite Bonce) Gregory
was forced to field a slightly weakened team at the
end of the M4. For Chelsea fans reading this, the M4
is a motorway, not the convertible coupe version of
the M5.

Unlucky Walton suffered a freak broken leg a week ago
when his pen accidentally slipped whilst signing his
contract.

“That was very bad luck for the boy,” conceded VMB.
“Walton looked like a very good prospect between the
door and the desk.”

“I was pleased with our nous and professionalism,”
commented the gaffer after the Bristol City team had
taken to their post match bath to celebrate a 2-1 win
only to discover that the game hadn’t actually
finished, and that to make matters worse, centre back
Stewpid had nipped in to nick the Rangers equalizer.
“I think City paid for a bit of naivety and in fact
even for a minute or two after Stewpid scored their
lads were actually already in the bar.”

As Rangers toiled to get a well earned point on day
one VMB also reassured the fans that the missing
number ten shirt would be filled in the next few weeks
or months.

“My scouts and backroom staff have been hard at work,”
admitted the gaffer. “We know how important that shirt
number is to the team and the fans and we won’t fill
it lightly. That’s why I can finally reveal that we
have been tracking a lad called OG for several
seasons. This OG kid has scored goals at every level,
consistently as well. You look in the papers each week
and this OG guy seems to have scored at least two
goals in most divisions every week, and for quite a
few seasons now.  I can’t say too much but we’re
confident of convincing the lad to come here. I think
everyone would be pleased to see OG's name above the
fabled number 10 shirt.”

Meanwhile behind the scenes club supremo GTEnni
Spareusadimebar played down the rumour that F1’s
favourite hobbit Ernie Feckallson and Nicole Pappa
Nicole Pappa Nicole Pappa racing team owner Flavouro
Nicole Pappa Brillitore were about to take over the
club.

“I went down to Silverstone to see if I could talk to
Ernie but he was out on the track doing laps in his
miniature Scalextric FI car,” explained the Rangers
head honcho. “So it was more a one way conversation
that went something like…. Ern…. U…. Flav…. It…..
Great….. buy…. Club…. Yes? As he zoomed past. I feel
confident he took it all in, even though he doesn’t
know me from Adam. In fact I think he knows Adam
better than me?”

Earlier in the week departing legend Cookie Monster
donated his transfer fee back to the club he loves.

“We explained to Lee that he could either donate 250k
but that it wasn’t essential,” Pileofdingbats
explained. “We said we thought it would be a good
gesture and explained that dependent on his wishes
either way we wanted to commemorate his name by naming
a stand after him if he did and a quarry after him if
he didn’t. The good news is that one of the stands
will shortly bear his name. The bad news is that we
still don’t have a name for our chalk mine.”

One question on most people’s lips this close season
has been why Stepvan Mortuary, Mad Dog Chewie and why
oh why Zeb Rainman again?

New club coach Mick Hardfokker explained how he’s
managed to get the best out of Mortuary and co in
pre-season.

“Basically the simplest thing I’ve done with Stepvan
is jump out of his wardrobe at his home at 4 am each
morning with a big pair of crashing cymbals. I’ve also
set his alarm to go off with his mattress placed in
swimming pools full of sharks. The idea has been to
either liven him up or get him off the payroll.
Unfortunately he’s bucked up but never mind.”

Hardfokker also went on to explain how he’s finally
had Mini Chewbacca neutered. “It’s really pepped the
lad up. Now when I see him flagging I play the
castanets with his gonads on the sidelines and he goes
completely nuts, running about barking, the whole lot.
It’s the ultimate ball training exercise for him.
Harsh but fair. It’s all about toughening these lads
up isn’t it? That’s why I did the operation on Ben
myself today using a chisel and I broke Walt’s right
leg so he doesn’t moan about the other one. Zeb’s had
a hard time here and I realise that, but in my opinion
and the gaffers’ Zeb is better than John Terry. Not at
football obviously but he’d take him to the cleaners
in a spelling B.”

And as mindless terrorism returned to the streets of
London again in the shape of the Evening Standard
fears for Rangers first home game were finally laid to
rest with the news that the movement of cattle during
the foot and mouth scare has finally been relaxed,
meaning that Cardiff and their fans will be allowed to
travel to Loftus Road next week.

Photo: Action Images

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