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Leeds need a new spy after Derby debacle
Friday, 11th Jan 2019 20:23 by Tim Whelan

The Leeds squad has been looking a bit stretched for quite some time due to injuries and suspensions, and it now seems likely our spy will have to lie low for a while after being caught red handed in the bushes outside Derby County’s training ground.

It has now emerged that our spy (codename Sergei) was signed from the B team of Russian outfit KG, after Victor Orta’s scouting team had identified him as a target after a worldwide search of all the world’s most competent intelligence agencies.

But after failing to disguise himself as a bush while happening to loiter outside Derby’s training ground the day before a vital game, our man in the East Midlands was forced to claim that he’d gone to Derby on holiday.

“I have always wanted to visit this wonderful city. During the 1970s the Baseball Ground was famous in Russia for being the muddiest pitch in the world, especially after they lost the penalty spot during that game against Manchester City. I also wanted to see the remains of Friargate railway station and go for a curry on the very beautiful Normanton Road”.

And after literally minutes of research on Wikipedia he added “Derby has a claim to be one of the birthplaces of the Industrial Revolution. It contains the southern part of the Derwent Valley Mills World Heritage Site.”

And he explained the somewhat unusual set of items he was carrying at the time he was apprehended. “I took the binoculars to look for the place where Jedediah Strutt patented and built a machine called the ‘Derby Rib Attachment’ in 1759. And I was afraid it might snow, so I took a spare set of clothes, and my trusty pliers in case I needed to dig myself out of my hotel”.

After our Russian dope was caught by behaving in such an obviously suspicious manner outside the training ground, some have suggested that Sergei might be Victor Orta’s worst signing yet. But other fans think he can’t possibly be as bad as Laurens De Bock, the last Orta signing Leeds have sent onto a Derby County pitch for no obvious reason.

The capture of our spy has inevitably led to speculation that Leeds will strengthen this area of the squad while the January transfer window is still open, but the latest is that Marcello Bielsa has declared himself to be quite happy with the strength of his espionage section, so he has rejected all the spies suggested to him by the club’s scouts.

Photo: Action Images

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