Always full of helpful tips and advice, LoftforWords welcomes guest columnist Rob Gilbert to the floor for an informative lecture on keeping your kids on the right track.
I'm brooding. I've come over all fatherly recently, perhaps it's the fact that recently and unexpectedly I was given the honour of becoming a friend’s son’s Godparent. Now the boy in question, young Jack, will grow up to be a Spurs fan, his Tottenham mad dad will make sure of that but it got me thinking that whilst times in the Bush have been good this season they haven't been plain sailing like this since Ollie had a Woof Day back in 2004.
What happens if I have a son during one of those famous QPR drought years that lasts for, oh say a decade? How on earth will I be able to get him hooked on the drug that is The R's and Loftus Road? So I have come up with four ideas to ensure that your son ends up following the same rubbish team you do.
1) Subliminal Messaging. In most of my baby pictures there is one constant by my side, not my mother but a stuffed elephant which had blue feet. The elephant was named Wegerle after our American number 10. I loved that Elephant, it came most places with me and was my companion during the scary transition from cot to bed. So naturally when I started seeing scores flash up on television on a Saturday afternoon and would hear the name "Wegerle" mentioned I would come over all funny and smile. Who was this other Wegerle and how could I see more of him? Did my toy elephant have a long lost father he didn't know about? Was I old enough at three to be dealing with daddy issues? All these questions were provided with answers from my father who told me that Roy Wegerle played for QPR and actually we could go and see him that weekend. So without knowing why, I was excited to attend my first football match because my dad had named a toy after his favourite player and had infiltrated my mind so that I would want to learn more. Sneaky bastard. Wegerle conveniently went missing when his namesake was sold.
2) Make him watch Sky. Yes the old adage that taking a child to a game is the best way to get them hooked does hold truth and now after point one you know how to get them there. But for all the wonders of seeing Leon Clarke amble down the left wing your son is still going to have access to all the shiny things Sky has to offer. How can you compete with all this? Make him watch. Make him watch every single second of coverage during Super Duper Sunday to the point that he wants to tear his eyes out (in HD). ‘Surely this is madness’ you say, but I put this to you; can any sane man handle the three hours of coverage provided by Keys and the boys without going bonkers? Even your young son will spot the insanity in Andy Gray's voice as he has an entire conversation with himself: "And Matty Etherington has said 'go on Kenwyne stick your head on that' and Kenwyne has said 'thanks Matty, you always were my favourite' and Matty has replied 'ah Kenwyne you shouldn't have' and Kenwyne has said 'no no seriously Matty whenever Tony has a go you always place a knowing hand on my knee and that cheers me right up' and then Ryan Shawcross comes over and says 'what are you guys talking about?' and Matty's said 'ssshh Kenwyne don't let Ryan know about our stolen love.'" He'll be begging for the dulcet tones of Captain Jack after that.
3) Take him to an England game. This tactic is very common, I mean think about it, whenever you see an England game there are always crosses of St. George adorned with the shitest team names on them - Cambridge, Wycombe, Brentford, why? Well because it's fathers taking their sons to see 'top quality footie.' Except the footie is useless, the players are loathsome, the atmosphere is horrendous and the disappointment is spleen crushingly bad. At QPR we are unbeaten in 18 games, that's insane. If we lose one (and we will) we will all be crying 'chin up, on to the next one.' With England a draw is met with howls of derision. After the game your son will look at you with eyes that tell you his soul has just died a little as he realises that these English superstars are supertwats and mutter quietly 'Can we just go to QPR games from now on?' Afford yourself a wry smile because your plan has worked perfectly.
4) Make him earn his love. Don't give him everything straight away. He wants a QPR shirt? Well then buy him one with 19 Agyemang adorned across the back, tell him that next season he can have 33 German and the season after that 3 Hill. After three years of wearing less celebrated players across his back he will be delighted when you present a new away shirt with the name 12 Mackie. Imagine the joy when next year it reads 7 Taarabt. That's five solid years of Q.P.R supporting just so he can wear a decent players name on his back. It will be all the much sweeter for him and will get him used to the feeling of shame when you have been trounced 5-0 away at Forest.
After all this his soul will belong to QPR he's been subliminally trained to love them, hated the 'Big four' Sky obsession, realised that international players are twats and been coaxed into five years of wearing shirts just so he can have his favourite player embezzled on his back. Teach him well because when your grandson comes along your lessons will be passed on.
Rob Gilbert is writer of blogandwhitehoops, a recently launched QPR blog that aims to take a lighter look at all things QPR. Click on the banner to visit the site.