| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 668575 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:29 - Jan 21 with 6463 views | Esox_Lucius |
INTERVIEWER: So, could you name anyone who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It's hard to say. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:10 - Jan 24 with 6260 views | Myke |
Young, successful businessman out for a drive in his convertible sports car. The sun was beaming, he had the roof rolled back and the wind was blowing through his hair. The only thing spoiling the experience as he sped along narrow country roads was having to swerve past the occasional stray sheep.
He came around a bend and had to brake sharply as a farmer stood in the middle of the road. He was quite elderly, a little overweight, was sweating profusely and was clearly exhausted.
'I'm sorry for bothering you ' puffed the old farmer ' but could you please help me round up my sheep. I've been trying for hours'.
'No problem, man. Happy to help. How many have you got?'
'Oh thank you! ' the farmer cried, 'sixty eight '.
'Well that's easy, man! Seventy' he shouted before speeding off | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:35 - Jan 24 with 6198 views | Dorse |
A bloke came up to me a said he was going to attack me with a guitar neck. I think it was probably just a fret. [Post edited 25 Jan 2021 7:53]
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| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:28 - Jan 24 with 6183 views | johann28 |
So there's this chap staying in one of those New York hotels. Rings the reception desk.
"Hey sorry but you've got to send someone up here. Just had a row with the wife and she's gone all hysterical and saying that she's going to throw herself out of the window!!!'
'Mmm, I'm sorry sir' says the guy on the desk. 'we can't do anything, it's a personal matter.'
'Don't give me that' he says, 'the Fk g window won't open, so it's a maintenance matter.' |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 18:55 - Jan 25 with 6063 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:29 - Sep 17 by hubble |
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. |
Neil Armstrong had a similar problem when he was reading a novel on the moon | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:07 - Jan 26 with 5897 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was on an Australian cooking show and made meringue and I got a round of applause which shocked me as they usually boo meringues. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:08 - Jan 26 with 5895 views | Esox_Lucius |
I can't remember if I have already posted this so apologies in advance...
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. . . They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and Bought even more outrageous outfits..
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:51 - Jan 28 with 5783 views | Esox_Lucius |
I said to my doctor " I applied that pile cream you gave me & I got a very nasty reaction"
"Where did you apply it?" He asked.
I said " On the bus" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:46 - Jan 28 with 5745 views | Myke |
Firefighter races into a office complex brandishing a screwdriver over his head. He charges in and out of each office shouting 'This is not a drill'!! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 20:40 - Jan 29 with 5637 views | Myke |
Decided to cycle to the offy for a bottle of Gin. The I thought, what if I fall off my bike on the way home and break the bottle? So I drank it there and then. And it was just as well I did, because I fell off my bike six times on the way home. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:04 - Jan 29 with 5615 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to the doctors about my lack of hearing! He gave me some drops, and told me to put two in my beers every day!
I have been doing it for a fortnight now, and it hasn’t made a bit of difference! | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:06 - Jan 29 with 5561 views | loftboy |
SPORTS UPDATE
The Arabian Knights Formula 1 Flying Carpet Team have had half of their competitors disqualified after it was found they were using performance enhancing rugs. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:37 - Jan 30 with 5446 views | Esox_Lucius |
My neighbour spent all day yesterday laying out turf in his front garden.
Then last night someone stole it.
He’s back out there now, looking forlorn. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:02 - Jan 30 with 5419 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:06 - Jan 29 by loftboy |
SPORTS UPDATE
The Arabian Knights Formula 1 Flying Carpet Team have had half of their competitors disqualified after it was found they were using performance enhancing rugs. |
I also heard rumours of a Russian Olympic Tug-O -War team that were disqualified for pushing | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:06 - Jan 30 with 5418 views | Myke |
A mate of mine who used to work as a bouncer, got himself a new job as a prison warden. Sadly, he got sacked after only a few hours. Seems anyone that was causing trouble, he chucked them out. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:19 - Jan 30 with 5404 views | colinallcars |
I was in a restaurant before lockdown. I said to the waitress “excuse me, what's the soupe du jour?”
She said with a smile, “I'll find out sir”
She returned and said “that's the soup of the day sir” |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 20:30 - Jan 30 with 5330 views | Esox_Lucius |
I am off to see a musical later, it is about a tiler who rips off all his customers. It is called Roofer On The Fiddle" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:46 - Jan 30 with 5323 views | Esox_Lucius |
Just spent £300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it! | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:17 - Jan 31 with 5244 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went into our local jewellers and asked the assistant for a watch battery. He said "Is it for a clock"? "How the hell should I know" I said, "that's why I need a battery" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:27 - Jan 31 with 5231 views | Myke |
Went into a discount store to buy a ruler for school. Youth at the checkout, barely looked from his phone and drawled 'you wanna steel one?' I said, 'no, I'm happy to pay for it.' | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:34 - Jan 31 with 5159 views | Dorse |
A lady goes to the doctor for a physical and all seems normal until the breast exam. Her left one is normal in all respects, however, the right one is almost down to her waist. The doctor asks her what has happened. She replies:
'Well, it's like this. When my husband and I are intimate, he tends to favour the right one over the left.'
'Madam', says the doctor, 'we all have our favourites'.
'Ah', says she, 'but we don't all have bunk beds'. | |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 01:36 - Feb 2 with 5033 views | Boston |
Uri Geller...very difficult to stab.
Bought an alcoholic ginger beer the other day....he wasn't exactly overjoyed. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:39 - Feb 2 with 4920 views | Esox_Lucius |
My friend was talking about all the strange objects left on London Transport buses and trains including an artificial leg left on a bus he said "how would you leave your artificial leg on the bus? I said “it must've been one of those buses you
hop on and hop off" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:18 - Feb 2 with 4890 views | Esox_Lucius |
Our daughter has told us that she will not be going to university as she wants to become a steam roller driver.
We said we weren't happy about it but we wouldn't stand in her way. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:46 - Feb 2 with 4879 views | loftus77 |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:10 - Jan 24 by Myke |
Young, successful businessman out for a drive in his convertible sports car. The sun was beaming, he had the roof rolled back and the wind was blowing through his hair. The only thing spoiling the experience as he sped along narrow country roads was having to swerve past the occasional stray sheep.
He came around a bend and had to brake sharply as a farmer stood in the middle of the road. He was quite elderly, a little overweight, was sweating profusely and was clearly exhausted.
'I'm sorry for bothering you ' puffed the old farmer ' but could you please help me round up my sheep. I've been trying for hours'.
'No problem, man. Happy to help. How many have you got?'
'Oh thank you! ' the farmer cried, 'sixty eight '.
'Well that's easy, man! Seventy' he shouted before speeding off |
With my befuddled lockdown brain, that took me a (little) while.... | | | |
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