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Nightmare eleven - Column
Saturday, 25th Apr 2020 19:44 by Mel Huckridge

Following his selection of the all time QPR XI last week, Grounds For Divorce author Mel Huckridge went over to the darkside this week with his pick of a worst ever QPR side.

The following are blue and white hooped epic fails. Or failures if English was taught correctly.

Loanees have been not included, Gus Caesar would be the first on many people's lips, along with my personal anti-favourite Robert Taylor up top. Shocking.

Make sure that this article is read after the watershed as the language used will be of the industrial variety, and understandably so.

1 - Derek Richardson 1976-1979

Somewhat unfortunate to be included, but like David Moyes following Alex Ferguson, he was on a hiding to nothing post the mighty Phil Parkes. Having a dodgy mincer is never going to do a keeper any favours along with being thrown in to a relegation threatened team, but he wasn't very good. Ademole Bankole was only given forty five minutes so he doesn't get the number one jersey. This is just as well if he had played any longer, Loftus Road would have seen the record for the most defibrillators in use at any one time.

32 appearances, signed free from Chelsea, sold £50,000 to Sheff Utd

2 – Gary Borrowdale 2008-2013

Flavio Briatore never did take his UEFA Pro-licence coaching badge, lucky for us if this was the standard of professional brought in as was his wont. We'll never quite know why, and how much money changed hands and to whom it went, but what was he doing here? Much like Jermaine Jenas' England caps, I cannot recall a single moment of the 22 appearances he apparently made? Much like his namesake in the TV series M*A*S*H, Gary Burghoff, who played Radar, Borrowdale's tenure in W12 was, Under the Radar.

24 starts, 5 sub appearances, subsequently played for Brighton, Charlton, Carlisle, Barnet and Gillingham.

3 – Jose Bosingwa 2012-13

It's not often that a double Champions League winner decides to sign for your team. It's also not often that I call someone a monobrowed MF but it has to be said. Take the money and run, actually, don't bother running just take the money. One would think that with all those millions fraudulently earnt, at least a small percentage would have gone on an all over facial with trim? Of course, you can't really blame him? Scrabble super agent Kia Joorabchian had his DNA all over the crime scene, which was Mark Hughes office.

23 starts, 1 sub appearance, 1 goal v Walsall in the League Cup



4 – Vic Mobley 1969-1971

A crock. A crock of shit. The then not insignificant sum of fifty five bags was spent/wasted on Victor, but after a handful of games that was it, retirement in his mid-twenties. Clearly records show from his days at Sheffield Wednesday that he could play, yet he had injury problems so he was let go, and we were mugs enough to fall for it. I don't believe it. No I do, it's Rangers after all.

30 starts, 1 sub appearance

5 – Chris Plummer 1994-2003

The nonagenarian Canadian actor of the same name defended the Von Trapp children with far greater intent and more often than our one did from hostile attackers. There may be some truth in the rumour that he was given the treatment table as part of his pay off when he finally departed, the physio used to greet him with, 'Hello Chris, feeling better?'
Sixty-two starts over the course of two centuries. It felt longer. Zesh Rehman could easily have got this spot.

64 starts, 8 sub, 2 goals, went on to play for Peterborough, Barnet, Bristol Rivers, Grays, Rushden

6 – Karl Henry 2013-2017

Rumours that I hosted a party that rivalled VE day when it was announced that Henry had left the club are wildly under exaggerated. Limited, is the politest way I describe a man who when anchoring the centre of the park could not pass a ball forward, and changed a one two to just a one. Wolves supporters couldn't believe their luck when we took him off their hands, (changes to Black Country accent) 'and you paid for him too?' With eleven KH's on the pitch you may eke out a nil nil but you're never gonna win. Don't bother trying to justify his exclusion from this, I'm not listening.

97 starts, 20 sub apps, 2 goals against Bolton and Bristol City

7 – Brian Williams 1977-1978

The Moorfields outpatient who moonlighted part time as a scout, recommending Brian to us, has since been despatched to Devil's Island, or should have been. Universally it is accepted that he was opposite of talented, inept is being kind. Mike Gatting in a football kit, yet there's no doubt the former England cricket captain was a better player. Incredibly he played a further four hundred plus league games elsewhere. F*****g hopeless.

10 starts, 13 sub appearances, sold to Swindon for £50,000

8 – Vinnie Jones

I wasn't happy when we signed him but I was when he left even if he did receive a large pay off. Proof, if it was ever needed, of that old adage that I've just coined, that anybody can act but not everyone can kick a football. To the best of my knowledge we did not win a single league game in which he featured, and the worst part of it all? His game was based on intimidation, the reason I assume he was signed, yet I can scarcely recall a single instance of any violent behaviour? Football dumbed down before the phrase was in common use.

Eight starts, one sub app, one goal v Huddersfield, W0 D7 L2

9 – Brett Angell

A telephone call Saturday two o'clock Saturday afternoon.
QPR club secretary,' Hello Brett? Are you available?'
BA, 'For what, flytipping?'
'No, we're short, only ten fit players, can you assist?'
'OK, not sure I'll be any help though.'
'Just make a nuisance of yourself.'
'Fine, have you got a spare pair of size elevens I can borrow?'
'Sorry, only thirteens, any good?'
'I'll wear two pairs of socks.'
He did once hit the post at Home Park, Plymouth. Theirs too. That's it.

Eight starts, five sub apps, no goals

10 – Stefan Moore

Ian Holloway's comment about Moore that 'he chases paper bags for fun' may well have been accurate but he certainly didn't chase a football with the same vigour. Captaining Villa's youth team to FA Cup victory is one thing, but making it as an adult professional footballer is another. Not up to it. Scared of the ball. I don't think his brother, Luke, was all that either but at least we didn't waste a lucrative contract in finding out. Supermarkets now charge for bags.

21 starts, 21 sub apps, three goals v Sheff Utd, Ipswich and Watford

11 – Tony Scully

On the face of it, Scully had all the attributes of a decent winger, quick feet, pace, direct to the by-line and put the ball into the danger area for one of several on rushing forwards to smash the ball and the rival keeper into the net. Except he never used all of these skills at once. His time with us must be considered his career highlight, he even scored against Palace when their defence decided to go on holiday before the season finished, this simply glosses over how poor he was. Very poor.

24 starts, 22 sub apps, two goals v Oxford and Palace. Played for nine clubs after us including Southend, Barnet, Tamworth and Notts County.

Subs:

As many as possible, but not these. Other dishonourable mentions go to John Curtis, Ernie Howe, Steve Morrow, Christer Warren, light fingered Arthur Gnohere, Jordon not up to Mutch, wealthier than Croesus - Shaun Wright Phillips, pay off your mortgage Mark Hateley, Dominic Iorfa, Daniel Toszer and many more that I am more happy don't spring to mind for the good of our mental health.

Manager – Paul Hart

No shortage of candidates here. Hart gets the job, being the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time wearing the wrong trousers. The one thing he did right was score the (own) goal that sealed promotion for us in '82. Other reflections could include biggest piss-taker or most manila envelopes accrued over the course of a season. Draw your own conclusions.

Pictures – Action Images

Action Images



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collegeranger added 19:58 - Apr 25
No Bob Malcolm - injustice. Ademole Bankole - Laughs and terror in a single outing. Samba Diakite - erections and violence in one. Ernie Howe - just a lump.
1

CliveWilsonSaid added 21:16 - Apr 25
No Tamas Priskin?????

We'd literally have been better off fielding a spare tyre.
0

terryb added 21:16 - Apr 25
" Other reflections could include biggest piss-taker or most manila envelopes accrued over the course of a season. Draw your own conclusions."

There is real competition as to who would fill this position! Take your pick from Tommy, Mark or Harold. It shows how much I hate the pair of them that Hughes & Redknapp come close to unseating Docherty!
0

Paddyhoops added 10:53 - Apr 27
Some crackers in there.
Can we have more from you Mel.
Your giving Clive a run for his money here!!🤣
0

stneotsbloke added 12:27 - Apr 28
Good selection although surely Hateful Hateley should be in there and I think it's a tad harsh on Henry and Borrowdale.
I'd almost excuse Scully because of the stunning goal he scored against Palace in the 6-0 final game.
Incidentally, both Scully and Stefan Moore went on to play for my local club, St. Neots Town in the United Counties league. They were really impressive at that level !!
0

Nov77 added 22:18 - Apr 28
Stan told the story of how Brian Williams once said to him and Gerry Francis “I think it’s really clever, the way you two use me as a decoy”. Stan replied, “Brian, the reason we don’t pass to you is we don’t think you’re very good”.

0

T_Block added 13:08 - Apr 29
Magical stuff
True about Brian Williams story with gerry as I asked him once.Didn't say anything just grimaced.
Well done getting Vinniein -clearly loves his wife so not all bad ,but playing for rangers? never.
Bob Malcolm the only man I have seen run backwards whilst facing forwards at Loftus Road.

Now can we have most embarrassing goals conceded at Loftus Road?,or best misses?
0

HastingsRanger added 14:18 - May 1
Stefan Moore has to be the most ineffective forward we have ever had!

I always supported Washington for his effort but he was another one to achieve nothing with club.

Bit harsh on Scully, after all he was the lynch pin of 'quick football', some responsibility for a player of limited ability.

And at the back was Steve Morrow. How did we survive with him anchoring the defence!

Good read though, thanks.
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Letters from Wiltshire #09 by wessex_exile
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