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The Rocky road to the Orient
Thursday, 31st Jul 2014 23:12 by Clive Whittingham

Even a World Cup summer can leave the club football fan desperately craving their fix. The LFW addicts braved the searing heat of the Central Line to visit Leyton Orient on Tuesday night for a cheap hit.

There's a reason that this bit in the movies is always reduced to a montage.

Nobody really wants to see Rocky train. I mean sure, a couple of minutes of him doing a few pull ups, chopping wood, lifting weights, hammering the shit out of a pile of scrap metal, set to music, to show the steady improvement in his physical condition prior to the big fight is fine as a scene setter and a way to break up the "dialogue". But boxers have to train very long and very hard. Rocky probably had to do half a million of those pull ups, and chop through that whole pile of wood, and run vast distances to prepare himself for that bout. He probably went back to that scrap yard with his sledge hammer numerous times. Return trips to the cinema four hours a day every day for six months aren't really practical, so it's reduced to a montage and we recline in our £14.50 Vue seats with our £6.80 bottle of Diet Coke and ready ourselves for the climax of the film, happy to accept that he wasn't very fit or very good and then they played Bill Conti's Going the Distance and now he is very fit and very good.

Ideally, QPR v Hull City would kick off in about two and a half minutes time which we could fill with a brief video on the club's official YouTube channel that starts with Rob Green dropping a ball, Loic Remy changing at Crewe to save money on his rail tickets to Liverpool, super-size Adel Taarabt waddling in through a door sideways, Joe Jordan looking down at a stop watch and shaking his head and Junior Hoilett walking away from the gym holding his hamstring; then ends with Robert Green catching a ball, Loic Remy walking back into Harlington and silently nodding at Harry Redknapp with a determined look on his face and Redknapp doing the same back to him through a car window, Adel Taarabt trimmed down to a svelte 16 stone and breaking out into a jog, Joe Jordan shouting "that's it, you're getting it, push, push" and Junior Hoilett walking away from the gym holding his hamstring. All of it, of course, set to Hearts on Fire.

What we get instead, is pre-season. This is an arduous period of time for players forced to run up and down hills with weights tied round their ball bags, and supporters starved of club football for — in QPR's case — only just over a month and therefore so desperate for action they find themselves climbing aboard the travelling pressure cooker that is the Central Line and fighting their way through the abandoned mattresses outside Leyton Orient's well-appointed and expertly upgraded Brisbane Road home to pay £15 to get into what is little more than a training exercise. And then panicking about what they see.

Some had even gone out to Germany last week to see QPR beat Erfurt 1-0 with a goal from Charlie Austin, and then lose 2-0 to Red Bull Leipzig in farcical conditions on Saturday.

The latter match was interrupted during the first half by a storm more wrath of God than weather. The rain came down in sheets, first reducing the match to a nonsense, then drowning several of the smaller players, then overpowering the commentary team, and finally bringing the live feed to a shuddering halt altogether.

The announcements over the public address system started jovially enough, inviting "our friends from Queens Park Rangers" to come off the uncovered terrace behind the goal and under the roof in the side stand. "You will be made more than welcome," announced a man who sounded very much like he might be called Gunther and look like the head of that consortium that briefly buys the power plant from Mr Burns in The Simpsons. The QPR fans steadfastly refused, huddling together at the top of the hill under a small awning more usually spotted at family picnics and, in the case of four intrepid adventurers in the middle of the terrace, one bedraggled St George's flag.

"Never you mind your roof Johnny Foreigner. We didn't win two world wars running for cover when things got tough Jerry."

But as the water kept coming and the lightening began and the salt water crocodiles started to make their presence felt and throw their weight around a little bit things started to turn ugly. "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST," yelled Gunther shortly before our feed cut out.

Still, nice to let Rio Ferdinand and Steven Caulker know nice and early that the club they've joined has always had a taste for the ludicrous and no Premier League promotion or onset of television riches is going to cure that any time soon. Plus the feed came back just in time for us to see Leipzig's two goals — both scored after QPR had been caught in possession in their own half by a team pressing high up the field. Watch out for that one when the proper stuff starts.

Rangers are keen to play with three centre backs this season and have so far acted accordingly in the transfer market — spending good money on Ferdinand and Caulker who are both ideally suited to that set up. The problem is, to this point, Rangers haven't actually made any additions further forward while of course losing several loaned midfielders and strikers who were here at the end of last season but haven't been picked up permanently. Keep your phone on though won't you Mobido, just in case like.

Against Leipzig , Rangers passed the ball around very well between the three centre backs only to find literally nothing ahead of them. Back and forth it went, left to right, but rarely over the halfway line. As soon as QPR got close to halfway, Leipzig removed possession from them and launched an attack of their own. A work in progress? One can only hope.

Look East

Onto Orient on Tuesday night then. Still no midfield or forward additions although Loic Remy's move to Liverpool is now off, apparently due to medical problems. Harry Redknapp refuted that before going onto deliver an update on Adel Taarabt's ongoing battle with the demon doughnut.

Rangers looked like a junior school PE lesson in their terrible Nike third kit and lining up in a three centre back formation again. Once more the problem seemed to be that while the centre backs are well suited to this, nobody else really is.

Danny Simpson, for a start, doesn't overlap and cross that well and although Armand Traore does Rangers didn't look for him in good space early enough to isolate him against his full back. Often by the time the ball reached him he looked like a plane waiting to land at Heathrow with a queue in front and behind. Junior Hoilett kept pulling onto his natural wide left spot, cramping the space in front of Traore and leaving Austin isolated. At times Traore and Simpson stayed too far back, meaning that Joey Barton and Karl Henry — who you'd think would be deeper lying in this formation - were further forward. At one point Henry tried an audacious chip over the keeper from the halfway line and didn't miss by much. None of this really helped Charlie Austin. He likes to face the goal, attack crosses in the air, get shots away. His touch with his back to goal is suspect, and at Orient on Tuesday it was lousy. Does three at the back and him by himself at the other end suit him?

Joe Jordan spent time in the first half on the touchline playing 'point and yell' with Hoilett and when the Canadian subsequently moved more central, closer to Austin, he scored a fine goal from long range and then had one of those ten minute spells he treats us to three times a year when he's confident and fit and suddenly looks like the player you always hoped we'd bought.

Shaun Wright-Phillips doesn't even manage that in ten minute bursts. You couldn't say he didn't look for the ball or try on Tuesday night, but his regression from the player we saw at Manchester City to what he is now should be a source of considerable embarrassment for him and his family. With five minutes to go a ball rolled gently to him in space on the edge of the area with no Orient player in the same post code and he skewed it horribly wide. We know he doesn't give a toss, we know he's essentially retired, we know he's not bothered whether he plays or not, but surely to goodness any player above park standard, whether they're trying or not, whether they care or not, whether they can see or not, should be hitting the target from there. For the rest of the time he was dominated physically and completely outplayed by Orient's spiky midfielder Dean Cox who measures little over four feet but is no respecter of reputations and gleefully humiliated the former England international time and again. You wonder exactly what we got out of playing him here. Surely he's not going to be used in the Premier League this season. Harry? HARRY?

On a more positive note, it was wonderful to see Frankie Sutherland back in action looking so fit and keen. Sutherland spoke to LFW http://www.fansnetwork.co.uk/football/queensparkrangers/news/33358/from-youths-t season and came across as bright, dedicated and absolutely determined to play for Queens Park Rangers. He got a loan spell to Orient a week later but ruptured his anterior cruciate ligament on his debut (the curse of QPR stretches to players we've loaned out as well) and hasn't played since. He spoke in that interview about the influence Steve McClaren had on him when he coached at Rangers, encouraging him to slow down and not tear around at 100 miles an hour all the time, so it was somewhat concerning that having come on in the second half at Orient he did exactly that, but his touch and passing was a good deal crisper and cleaner than many of his team mates. The Orient fans gave him warm applause and don't be surprised to see Russell Slade come back for him on loan this season if the word on the grapevine is to be believed.

Rangers would presumably prefer him to get a Championship club. Max Ehmer certainly needs one if QPR are going to do their usual trick of playing a youth team graduate all summer only to then completely ignore him and buy or loan somebody in from elsewhere once the season starts. Ehmer has had five separate spells and more than 100 matches at League One clubs now and another loan into that league would be useless for him. He's incredibly big these days, more like a rugby league prop than a footballer, which doesn't seem to have done a great deal for his speed across the ground or ability in the air which was always a real strength of his. But, again, he impressed more than some of his more senior team mates.

As the match ambled along the away end was bombarded with inaudible insults from a 20-stone troglodyte in the main stand. Resplendent in a pink polo shirt — is there a special on these in an XXXL on Leyton High Road by the way? We saw two dozen — this walking heart attack spent the entire game barracking the Rangers fans at high volume with a series of incomprehensible rubbish to the clear embarrassment of his family alongside him. The last time I'd seen anything that big, making that much noise while achieving so little, the Japanese were pulling a harpoon out of it.

Later attention was drawn by a local teen who'd decided the best thing for him to do with his Tuesday night would be to go to Leyton Orient by himself, sit alone next to the away end and gesture towards the QPR fans. With alarmingly little encouragement he dropped his trousers and showed his bits off to the travelling faithful before being moved on by the Metropolitan Police. Just as well, I think you have to have the register signed by 22.00.

Joey Barton curled home a fine free kick, which means we'll have to suffer him taking and shooting every free kick we get within 50 yards of the goal for the next six months, but Orient managed two of their own with Rangers' defence culpable on both occasions.

Rob Green did what he does best — three excellent saves, faultless command of his penalty area, distribution of a mentally deficient double amputee. Surely to goodness one of the full backs has had a word at some point about that high, lofted, chipped pass he likes to send out their way every now and again — the one that hangs in the air just long enough for the opposition winger or full back to charge in with a running jump, flattening the QPR man in the process and winning possession back in a lethal area. Still, much like the three play-off games, without him we'd have lost here.

Orient looked decent - if you're looking around for lower division bets this season they might be a shrewd call. Brisbane Road has been developed superbly since I was last there — a 1-0 pre-season win circa 1995 with a goal from, I think, Danny Dichio with former QPR reserve Peter Caldwell playing in goal for the O's. The place was falling to bits then and we stood on a terrace behind the goal. Now the ground looks great, and you'd imagine is easy to get a decent atmosphere going in. Why on earth they'd want to move from this to play in front of 60,000 empty seats at an athletics stadium is beyond me — possibly Barry Hearn trying to extract some money from somewhere I suspect. Anyway, a reasonable-ish sounding new Italian owner and some eye-catching summer signings — Reading 's Jobi McAnuff is surely too good for League One just yet ad I still think there’s a player in our former charge Jay Simpson — suggests they may go one better than play-off final defeat this time around. Tidy team with goals all over the pitch.

Not that it would have mattered a great deal if we had lost. QPR need to sign attackers and midfielders and they will do, probably at inflated prices and wages ten minutes before the transfer deadline after concerningly poor results against Hull, Spurs and Sunderland . Harry Redknapp is not going into a Premier League season with Joey Barton, Ale Faurlin and his knees and Karl Henry as his midfield options. He's just not. The play-off final winner is always at a disadvantage in that summer's transfer market, and the World Cup has exacerbated things. The sort of players that QPR like to try and sign — going all out for a Steven Caulker rather than, as Hull have done, dipping down the divisions for a Harry Maguire for example — means we're always going to be kept hanging on while they look for other options. QPR's ground, training ground, facilities, recent history and newcomer status in the Premier League means they're unlikely to be the best option for proven players unless, as happened last time, they offer obscene wages, which in turn attract the wrong type anyway.

Plus QPR like to have that shiny Air Asia logo on Sky Sports News when everybody's watching, and Harry likes to wheel out the broken fax machine. For all these reasons and more, you can bet we're going to start against Hull short in certain areas, and be faced with a late scramble to bundle signings in through Harry's car window. It worked well for Everton last season, it was a disaster for QPR the year before.

It was little surprise to see Redknapp line up for Wednesday's friendly at Southend without a recognised striker on the field. We've seen this sort of thing before when he wants to lean on the board and get some new blood in — the two goalkeepers on the bench against Manchester City 18 months ago was a classic, throwing on Tom Hitchcock against Ipswich to prove his point last August did not have the desired impact. A 0-0 draw was the obvious score on the coupon there.

Rangers now head to Ireland with Big Fat Adel in the squad, but without Loic Remy. Both futures remain as unclear as QPR's regular starting 11 for the season ahead.

See you for the annual transfer deadline day extravaganza.

The Twitter @loftforwords

Pictures — Action Images

Photo: Action Images



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QPRski added 07:30 - Aug 1
Thanks for a good read. I admit that I have missed these reports and ancedotes.

I agree that we have a very good foundation for the back three for playing 3-5-2 and now we need to strenghten upfield. The concern is the timing as we will need to gell the team and we will be work in progress for some time. However, the season starts in two weeks, we have a relatively easy start and we need to pick up points (including wins) from the beginning.

Hull, our first opponents, are already playing AS Trencin next Thursday in the Europa Cup and will certainly be more coherent and match ready come the whistle on the 16th.
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YorkRanger added 08:40 - Aug 1
Nicely done Clive, good to see the close season hasn't affected the sharp use of analogies - enjoyed the harpooning line.

On the football front - it was a friendly - the time to panic may come but its not just yet IMO
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enfieldargh added 10:18 - Aug 1
nice to have a match report to read once more. Yes there was a large pink inflatable Orient oik, but sadly we brought a few of our own.

I really hope they didn't sing the 10 German Bombers song in Germany.

The old Brisbane road stand is having new shiny red seats put in. Each block had a letter spelt out.
1st Block =T
2nd Block= H
3rd Block=E
4th block no seats
5th block no seats
6th block Red seats

I wonder if they asked the man in the seat shop if he had any O's ?
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TacticalR added 12:42 - Aug 1
Thanks for your report.

I must say I got more than a little sense of déjà vu reading that, what with Hoilett rushing about with little sense of what is going on around him and SWP being impossibly bad.

Good news about Frankie Sutherland. We all know an ACL is not something you come back from easily.

Apart from that the whole thing sounds like a big bundle of confusion.
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SimonJames added 23:12 - Aug 5
Clive, you crack me up... :-D
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