EGP returns with some exclusive and startling news involving the much loved new Dale mascot Spotty the Dalemation.

Rochdale Observer Exclusive:

SPOTTY THE SUICIDE DOG by Les Partington. With additional undercover reporting by Richard Barlow.

the war on terriers?

Reports from earlier this week indicate that the terror threat engulfing England has finally made it into Association Football.

Rochdale AFC seem to be the hapless victims as their new Centenary mascot appears to be so well padded, bomb experts are predicting the debris could reach giggle Lane should the Dalmation ever go woof.

The Observer interviewed fans after a recent home match. One supporter said, “When I saw it running towards Sandy Lane, I thought “Aye Aye, what have we here? I was immediately struck by the sheer size of the thing and commented to those around to stand well back as it looked like a Suicide Dog to me. Everybody panicked and pressed up against the back wall. Spotty probably thought he was just unpopular again. It’s the sort of thing Goodyear would have as their mascot. I wanted to light the bastard with my zippo, but was scared to by the fear of blowing Spotland to pieces.”

Mr. D Ragon wished to remain anonymous

Another supporter, Desmond D. Ragon, added, “I like to take my young son, Diddy, to matches but I’ve warned him not to go anywhere near Spotty. You can just tell by looking at the dog that he is concealing a lot of something under that costume. At the pre-season match versus Oldham we both watched a kid pull Spotty’s tale off. In fear, both myself and Diddy did the ‘spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch’ sign. This shows you how frightened my lad was as he hasn’t got a watch. Or a wallet. And his balls haven’t dropped yet.”

The Observer have learned that Army Bomb Disposal experts are likely to swoop on the club shop this week following revelations that 101 Dalmations have been squeezed into the glass cabinets.

Although they are being advertised as Beanies, terror experts advised the Observer that they have been placed behind glass to cause maximum damage when they go off. “Terrorists are well known for their penchant to involve glass or nails in these home-made devices” said Officer Winalot who continued, “there is obviously some sort of Animal Farm thing going on at Spotland as they’ve employed someone to sell the Beanies. Also of concern is the £10 price. You can pick up a life-size real dog for a fiver from Manchester Dogs Home, so it begs the question who Dale are funding. It is too reminiscent of that burger chain and The IRA. Also it isn’t the first instance of a PM turning to explosives on a lie. There are just too many similarities.”

A suspicious Bin Laden in his cave yesterday

Senior figures from Scotland Yard were also called in when it was revealed that the club had paid £1200 + VAT for the monstrosity. An unnamed source from The Yard explained, “When we heard the club had paid that sort of money for a dog, we immediately alerted the nuclear defences. It’s obviously more than a nail dog. Simple maths tells you that, as you can buy a bag of nails from B&Q for 71p. We think this dog might be fitted with some nuclear device which is being controlled by the Taliban. There may even be a paper trail which could lead us to Bin Laden.”

The club historian added, “You can see why the authorities are concerned. When I first saw it I immediately thought something was wrong. And a quick check through the history books shows that as recently as 1994 we bought a Russell for £1000 who became a great player, so why would the club 13 years later buy a fluffy shit dog mascot thing for £1200 + VAT? You really can see where the Police are coming from.”

Of some relief to supporters was the revelation that the dog costume is kept on the Hornets side of the corridor. Although financial experts have claimed this is unwise as Hornets could go ‘bang’ at any moment.

Woof!

A Dale spokesman said, “We are holding an internal investigation into our centenary suicide dog. We want to find out who bought it. Why, and on what authority. Once our investigation is complete we will be able to offer more information to supporters and we can only apologise for our lack of transparency displayed over the dog so far. However, the loveable Desmond is still a winning feature on matchdays and we advise the children to play with him instead. And Desmond didn’t cost the club a penny.”

In the event that the authorities do uncover some damming evidence, Spotty will have to be put down in a controlled explosion on the centre spot. Club Officials are already predicting a sell out crowd on the day Spotty meets his maker.

Photo: Action Images

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