Chancellor George Osbourne has announced that he will reveal emergency Budget measures on Friday to react to the latest Financial Predictions in the Southampton areas.
Early this morning a large oil tanker made its way silently down Southampton Water, at first it was thought this was just another mega tanker docking at Fawley to discharge its cargo of oil, however when Customs officials boarded her they found a more valuable cargo, the tanker had been chartered agents allegedly acting for Roman Abramovich and instead of oil in the hold it contained his entire transfer budget for Chelsea for the next 5 years, specially shipped in from the Ukraine.
The discovery of a rich vein of footballers in the Marchwood area of the City has brought a swift result reminiscent of the Gold Rush of 1849
The tanker was intending to turn right at Dock Head and anchor just off the cement works on the Itchen, however this plan had to be amended when it was discovered that although she would fit under the Itchen Bridge fully laden, once the money was off loaded she would be too high in the water to get back under it.
This influx of money into the economy is potentially so important that Chancellor George Osbourne was woken from his sleep in his official residence on Shirley High Street where he had enjoyed a convivial evening in the bar playing pool and celebrating the reduction in tax on a pint of 1p, telling friends he had saved 4p during the evening.
Osbourne's reaction was immediate, he knew that the sale of Luke Shaw and around a dozen others by Southampton Football Club would be a massive boost to the economy of not just Southampton but the country as a whole and that measures had to be taken to ward off a surge in the stock market.
By 11am he had cleared his head and announced emergency measures.
1. A tax on Russian billionaires buying footballers from Southampton, this is expected to bring in over £100 million pounds into the Governments coffers.
2. Tax breaks for banks in the Southampton area, it was feared that no bank in Southampton would be secure enough to hold the money that will come into the City over the next few months, this tax break will enable banks to build bigger vaults (essential) and bigger and tougher security guards.
3. A £50 million pound bank note, this will be legal tender in Southampton only
4. Funding for a new Bureau De Change in West Quay, it was felt that the existing facility in Thomas Cook would be insufficient for the queues of Russians, Saudi Arabian Sheiks, Americans etc who will be wanting to convert large amounts of currency into sterling once the transfer window opens in June
5. Funding for Camel Parking facilities in the City
6. 2p off a litre of Vodka, 4p off a litre of Bourbon and 5p off a pint of Lemonade, to encourage the visiting Russians, Americans and Sheiks to spend money on leisure in the City whilst on business here
7. A reduction in the Bullsh*t Tax" this stealth tax is levied on newspapers who have to pay based on how much of the stuff they print is actually true, a 10% reduction is expected to help revitalise the media in England taking many newpapers from a loss making situation into some of the most buoyant institutions in the country, the downside being a big loss of revenue to the Revenue.
8. Tax free prosthetic testicles for Croatian nationals, technically this should have been part of the NHS budget, but Osbourne having read Saturday's football Echo felt that this would be well received.
9. Southampton Essential Enterprise Allowance Scheme, this is offering companies essential to the Southampton Economy incentives to relocate to the area, this includes Wheelbarrow manufacturers, Guard Dog Breeders, Burglar Alarm Companies and other security based industries
10. Funding for increased staffing levels at the Border Control Crossing at Whiteley on the M27 to keep out various nere do wells who may be looking to partake of the Cities new wealth.
A spokesman holding court in The Osbourne pub on Shirley High Street after confirming he was speaking on behalf of the Osbourne said.
"This valuable discovery of footballer fields in the Southampton area is the biggest boost to the economy since the discovery of coal near Newcastle, this has suddenly made England potentially the richest country in Europe and will enable the Government not only to look forward to a period of sustained economic growth but to also tell Scotland they can now do one"
TUI contacted Alex Salmond for his comments but found most of them unintelligible, after putting them through google translator it came back with
"gettofckye sassenach bstards, ye have lived off the scottish player fields for years and robbed scotland of the likes of bremmner, souness, dalglish and law, we have plenty more of where those came from we dont need you ya wee bstards"
There was then some stuff that even google couldnt work out but seemed to mention Bagpipes and Bannockburn a lot.
Southampton City Council has announced plans for various public spaces to be renamed in honour of those bringing wealth to the city, Hoglands Park will become Lallana Park and various other spaces will become Wanyama Way, The Rodriguez Centre, Weston Shaw and the room the Council itself meets in will be renamed The Council Chambers.