Exceeding Good Pies - Girly Footballers XI

When collating this list the initial thoughts were that we had three problem positions. The two centre backs and the keeper. Then someone mentioned this loaned in clown. He wasn’t girlie I hear you all cry. I disagree he has let more balls go between his legs than any woman I have ever met. Just for that reason he makes the eleven

Right here we go. Proof that girly doesn't mean that we're talking about bad players. Goodall was a fine left back who served us well. But you know what you got with him. The sleeves were religiously rolled down. The socks were at their regulation height and you can bet that he had the best sock ties in the entire club. He was squeaky clean. He never once had to wash his kit in all the time he was at Spotland. He never argued with anyone, would never give away a cynical yellow card. Without doubt, a 21st century version of Thackeray.

Back in the 1980's, centre halves were centre halves. Back then, every player in this position looked like either John Bramhall or Joe Cooke, and defenders described as being two footed were those who could kick you with both feet. Twice. But looking back, one particular defender didn't fit the mould. Simon Gibson was a bit part player who would no doubt have played more had he not been such a girl. Dyed hair? Check. Hair gelled to the side? Check. Suspenders under his Dale shorts? Most probably. The picture to your right is the only picture which exists of Gibson as he refused all other pictures unless he'd checked his make up and had his eye brows plucked. A great bit girl.

Our talented Jason was a maestro on the field. When on form he had the vision of a player who really should have made more of his career. Girlie? Definitely! Anyone with blonde flowing locks such as his definitely makes this eleven on that alone. He didn’t exude much machismo on the field in comparison to your Shaun Reid’s of the world. If there was a fifty fifty ball you could have pretty much guaranteed Peake wasn’t the Dale player challenging. He’d be on the half way line preening himself.

This bloke personifies everything about a girlie player. Couldn’t tackle to save his life, ponced about midfield like Lilly Savage in a football kit and to top it all off had white boots to match. Even Gary Jones came round to our way of thinking on McClare’s last appearance for Dale when he openly laughed out loud at Shauny performing the worst backheel in the world, where the ball got stuck on one of his stiletto heels and went straight out of play. Never have I seen a player so obviously scared of the ball that he would mince away from it. And was genuinely seen wearing nail varnish on one Player of the Season evening.

Right we know what you're thinking on this one. But we've never been one to survive on bits of gossip regarding players. Well we have actually, but that's a different story. But Bishop's in there for so many other reasons. But above anything, you can't look beyond the hair. Here he is - a player approaching the latter stages of his 30's and he still sees himself as being some sort of glamour model. You can guarantee that he spends more time looking in the mirror than he did on the training ground. Oh if only someone could have come up behind him and point out the error of his ways.

Connor's inclusion is for so many reasons. Far too much of a pretty boy for a start to play for Dale. And in true girly style, at the beginning everything was fantastic, but as time passed by, the true self started to reveal itself, and those good old times seemed just a distant memory. But it was the way he carried himself around the pitch. Always dropping to the floor, always complaining, and that look that he used to give out suggested that one game soon he would scream out "It's not fair" if he damaged a nail. I swear he was only ever five minutes from crying. Referees suffered plenty of nag pie when Connor was on the pitch. And let's not forget the way he was always ruled out once a month. What more proof is required? Girl girl girl girl girl.

When looking for reasons for putting people in this girlie eleven, Sturrock has one of the best reasons of all. He scored a goal with his tits, I hear you cry. True but not the reason why in my mind he is making this particular role call! And contrary to popular opinion it is not due to the reason that many fans named him Lionel, after the tap dancing charade playing bell end. No because Sturrock had the unerring ability to make a shot so powder puff that you thought that he was wearing those comedy slippers that your ‘crazy’ relative bought you last Christmas, that look like jesters shoes. After a Sturrock shot you were confident that only way the ball would hit the back of the net was if the keeper died of old age waiting for the ball to arrive or was doubled over laughing.

We had to put a ginger in, we don’t want the PC brigade on our backs do we. Milner was a good player firstly. But unfortunately Milner was an 8 or 9 on the girlie-ometer. Many times you saw the ginger winger pass one player and then slip and fall, like a teenager tart pissed up on bitch piss on the way to a prom. So much so that now many years later even now in the Sandy Lane you can often hear somebody say ‘He’s got Milner’s boots on’ when a current player slips and falls for no reason. Without doubt, Milner would be captain of this side. Which other Dale player was universally recognised as being called Mandy?