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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 54817 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:54 - Jun 2 with 2353 viewssainthelens

Conjunctivitis. com
That's a site for sore eyes.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:51 - Jun 2 with 2328 viewsSwanjaxs

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause..
L. Dawson

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:11 - Jun 2 with 2284 viewssainthelens

Scientists say that if a dog is left in a car in hot weather with the windows up, it'll die in 14 minutes.

But I've found if you leave the heating on, you can get it down to about 6.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:13 - Jun 2 with 2277 viewsHighjack

Sheepdog said to its owner “That’s all forty sheep in the pen.”

The farmer said “but we’ve only got thirty seven sheep”

“I know that” said the sheepdog “but I rounded them up.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:47 - Jun 2 with 2256 viewsMuteswan

The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metres social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:53 - Jun 2 with 2250 viewsNotLoyal

Bloke walks in to a pub fully kitted out as a football referee. Whistle and all.
Barman says 'Hang on folks, it's going to kick off in here in a minute'

Well, it is a shit joke 😂

Everyone thinks someone is a cûnt, even those who they don’t thinks are cûnts are cûnts to someone else.
Poll: Who would you rather be in charge of the country during these times?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 01:42 - Jun 3 with 2163 viewsSwanjaxs

When I was baptised the priest wore a fake moustache
It was a blessing in disguise

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:35 - Jun 3 with 2076 viewsRobbie

Just sold my Hoover on e-bay .

It was only gathering dust .

( Copyright Tim Vine )
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:26 - Jun 3 with 2002 viewsMuteswan

I found out today I’ve become colour blind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:51 - Jun 4 with 1915 viewsMuteswan

I bought a fantastic pen in Barcelona. The ink flows so smoothly, no blots, very consistent, fine writing every time. Everyone is so surprised by it ...

Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Precision.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:50 - Jun 4 with 1897 viewsHighjack

My wife always insists on me putting loads of herbs in the food when cooking but she never eats it.

I’m wasting my thyme with her.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

2
Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:45 - Jun 4 with 1854 viewsdickythorpe

Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:50 - Jun 4 by Highjack

My wife always insists on me putting loads of herbs in the food when cooking but she never eats it.

I’m wasting my thyme with her.


Apparently I've heard that one before but I can't be sure as I'm parsley deaf.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:23 - Jun 4 with 1836 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:45 - Jun 4 by dickythorpe

Apparently I've heard that one before but I can't be sure as I'm parsley deaf.


My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.
It was sage advice.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:36 - Jun 4 with 1795 viewsMuteswan

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:23 - Jun 4 by Swanjaxs

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.
It was sage advice.


He must have seen you cumin!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:21 - Jun 5 with 1674 viewsMuteswan

I lost my memory after being hit on the head by a boomerang.

Don’t worry, it’s all coming back to me now.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:48 - Jun 6 with 1577 viewstheloneranger

Many thanks to my Auntie Bridie in Ireland for sending me 3 socks for my birthday.

I told her over the phone ...

"I've grown another foot in the past year" ...!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:51 - Jun 6 with 1556 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:48 - Jun 6 by theloneranger

Many thanks to my Auntie Bridie in Ireland for sending me 3 socks for my birthday.

I told her over the phone ...

"I've grown another foot in the past year" ...!!


Dermott stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Dermott replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:24 - Jun 7 with 1486 viewsMuteswan

Some clown held a door open for me yesterday.

I suppose it was a nice jester. 🤡
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:21 - Jun 7 with 1456 viewsMuteswan

If everyone in the world scrapped their cars, would it put an end to this car owner virus?
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:02 - Jun 7 with 1424 viewssainthelens

Rumours are true about the waiting times in casualty. Last time I was there , there was a bloke with musket wounds.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:02 - Jun 7 with 1375 viewsRobbie

I have a fear of trampolines ........

I jump when I see one .

( Pinched from another forum )
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:20 - Jun 7 with 1362 viewsJoe_bradshaw

The General Officer Commanding was visiting a military hospital and meeting some of the patients.

He asked the first patient he came to what he was in for.

“Warts on the penis, Sir”

“How are they treating it? Asked the GOC.

“Wire brush and Dettol” The GOC visibly winced but continued.

“ What’s your ambition, soldier?

“To get well and serve Queen and country, Sir”

“good man”

He moved to the next bed and asked what the patient was in for.

“Piles, Sir” came the reply.

“How are they treating it?”

“Wire brush and Dettol, Sir” The GOC had tears in his eyes but continued.

“What’s your ambition, soldier?”

“To get well and serve Queen and country, Sir”

“Good man”

He moved to the third bed.

“What are you in for, soldier?”

“Sore tongue, Sir”

“How are they treating it”

“Wire brush and Dettol, Sir”

“What’s your ambition, soldier?”

“To get the wire brush before those two b******s, Sir.”

Planet Swans Prediction League Winner Season 2013-14. Runner up 2014_15.
Poll: How many points clear of relegation will we be on Saturday night?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:15 - Jun 7 with 1335 viewstheloneranger

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Swansea, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE ...

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads ...

Floor 1 ... These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads ...

Floor 2 ... These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice” she thinks, ”but I want more”

So she continues upward and the third floor sign reads ...

Floor 3 ... These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“'Wow” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going and she goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads ...

Floor 4 ... These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh Jesus Christ" she shouts, “I can hardly stand it”

Still she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads ...

Floor 5 ... These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Are Great In Bed.

She is so tempted to stay but she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads ...

Floor 6 ... “You are visitor 156,012 to this floor ... There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store" ...

PLEASE NOTE ...

To avoid sexist charges the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and love a drink.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited ...!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:39 - Jun 8 with 1199 viewssainthelens

Went to the pharmacist and asked for some viagra.
" why" he said and " have you got a script from yer GP"?

I replied....' no, but I got a picture of my wife.'
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:58 - Jun 8 with 1114 viewsMuteswan

My friend has dedicated his life to find a cure for insomnia. He told me he won’t rest until he’s successful.
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