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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 54551 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:25 - Jun 13 with 1964 viewsMuteswan

I had a dream last night,I was slicing carrots with the Grim Reaper...

Dicing with Death!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:50 - Jun 13 with 1889 viewsfbreath

My sensitive toothpaste gets very upset when I use other toothpaste

We are the first Welsh club to reach the Premier League Simples

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:16 - Jun 14 with 1804 viewsMuteswan

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:26 - Jun 14 with 1786 viewsairedale

This squid was swimming along, feeling rough as a badgers arse, saying to itself I’m not right, when out if the gloom comes this great withe shark and whoosh bosh gets the squid in it’s mouth. Goodbye cruel world thinks the squid, but no, the shark swims on holding the squid gently in its mouth.

Then, further on, the squid can see this massive shape swimming along majestically, and the shark swims up to it and says, all right whale, I brought you that sick squid I owe you.
1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:53 - Jun 14 with 1757 viewswobbly

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:41 - Jun 12 by Muteswan

William Shatner has discontinued his range of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.😳


This one wins! Genuinely 😂
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:51 - Jun 14 with 1667 viewsMuteswan

A man walks into a hardware shop and picks up a can of fly spray. He said to the shop assistant “Is this good for wasps?” The assistant said “ No,It kills them”.
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:04 - Jun 15 with 1638 viewsCatullus

If a Welshman says 'this is my fantasy' is he talking about a fizzy drink?

Just my opinion, but WTF do I know anyway?
Blog: In, Out, in, out........

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 01:01 - Jun 15 with 1620 viewsairedale

Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:04 - Jun 15 by Catullus

If a Welshman says 'this is my fantasy' is he talking about a fizzy drink?


V good.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:03 - Jun 15 with 1508 viewsMuteswan

Man walks into clinic and the receptionist says “If you’re here for the Premature Ejaculators meeting, you’ve come too soon.
3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:25 - Jun 15 with 1487 viewsMuteswan

Well this is definitely what the OP meant...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" Now you can handle the situation.

Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and Owe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Owe Schitt, the proprietor of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.
In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents will, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock and, because her children were still living with them she kept her previous name. She was then known as NoeSchitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The local newspapers duly announced the Schitt-Happens weddings. The Schitt-Happens children were named Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them because you know his whole family and life story!👍😉
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:51 - Jun 15 with 1469 viewstheloneranger

A man sees a sign outside a house.

... "TALKING DOG FOR SALE" ...!!

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk" ??? He asks the dog.

"Yes" The Labrador replies

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So tell me your story"

The Labrador looks up and says ...

"Well I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS"

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping"

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down"

"I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in"

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married and had a few puppies and now I've just retired"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10 ??? But this dog is absolutely amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply" ??

The owner replied,

"Because he's a lying b@stard. He's never been out of the back garden" ...!!
[Post edited 15 Jun 11:52]
3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:58 - Jun 15 with 1426 viewsHighjack

I needed some tools but I was in a rush so I phoned up a big DIY store and asked “How big is your queue?” The bloke on the phone said “It’s about the same size as the B mate.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:58 - Jun 15 with 1392 viewsSwanjaxs

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
[Post edited 15 Jun 16:12]

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:20 - Jun 17 with 1258 viewsSwanjaxs

One for Tum of T ...

A texan walks into an Irish bar
Walks into a bar
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". 🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚
[Post edited 17 Jun 21:22]

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:53 - Jun 17 with 1219 viewsFlashberryjack

Bloke walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper for 3 rolls of toilet paper.

The shopkeeper asks "any particular colour ?"

The bloke say's "Oh! anything that goes with brown"



Now that is a sh*t joke

Hello

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:42 - Jun 17 with 1180 viewsjack2jack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:51 - Jun 15 by theloneranger

A man sees a sign outside a house.

... "TALKING DOG FOR SALE" ...!!

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk" ??? He asks the dog.

"Yes" The Labrador replies

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So tell me your story"

The Labrador looks up and says ...

"Well I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS"

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping"

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down"

"I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in"

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married and had a few puppies and now I've just retired"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10 ??? But this dog is absolutely amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply" ??

The owner replied,

"Because he's a lying b@stard. He's never been out of the back garden" ...!!
[Post edited 15 Jun 11:52]


1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:20 - Jun 17 with 1145 viewsHighjack

“So this question is for Fred, Daphne and Shaggy. The horn of which African mammal is sold as a powerful aphrodisiac?”

“Rhino”

“Yes we know you do Scooby but it’s not your turn.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:13 - Jun 18 with 1115 viewsairedale

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:20 - Jun 17 by Swanjaxs

One for Tum of T ...

A texan walks into an Irish bar
Walks into a bar
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". 🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚
[Post edited 17 Jun 21:22]


V funny, but it’s the 21st century version of the Billy Bunter pie eating competition story.

Come to think of it, I wonder if it was originally an Ancient Greek story?
[Post edited 18 Jun 0:28]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:22 - Jun 18 with 1110 viewsMuteswan

What’s Irish and stays outside all year round?

Patty O’Furniture.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:02 - Jun 18 with 978 viewssainthelens

I'll probably get slaughtered, but it's just a joke !

Teacher in the classroom asks " right kids, does anyone know where bouts is Pakistan "?
Boy at the back shouts " yes miss, out in the playground with Paki Dave!".
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:05 - Jun 18 with 972 viewsJoe_bradshaw

I was walking through Singleton Park the other day wondering why frisbees look bigger the closer they get to you.

Then it hit me.

Planet Swans Prediction League Winner Season 2013-14. Runner up 2014_15.
Poll: How many points clear of relegation will we be on Saturday night?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:04 - Jun 18 with 907 viewsMuteswan

Me: I’m addicted to buying Beatles records.
Doctor: Sounds like you need help
Me: No, I’ve already got that one.
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:58 - Jun 18 with 789 viewsSwanjaxs

A woman has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says: “You have acute appendicitis”.

The blonde says: “That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help”.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:42 - Jun 19 with 751 viewsdizietsma

I don't understand those jokes about school shootings.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:54 - Jun 19 with 622 viewsWxmJax

I went on a first date with this girl once, it didn’t go too well. She chucked a prawn cocktail all over me ..... and that was just for starters!

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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