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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 54809 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:59 - Jun 19 with 1543 viewsWxmJax

Oldjack went to a really trendy nightclub last night. The doorman said to him "Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you've had too many!"

"What, drinks?"

"No, birthdays".

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:31 - Jun 19 with 1511 viewstheloneranger

A blonde pushes her convertible BMW into a garage.

She tells the mechanic that the engine just died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story with my car" ???

He replies, "Just sh1t in the carburetor'"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that" ???
[Post edited 19 Jun 14:32]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:01 - Jun 21 with 1381 viewssainthelens

Remember pulling a bird in Baron's years ago. Strange girl, had 3 tits, 2 at the front and 1 at the back.
Felt a bit sorry for her, but she was lovely to dance with.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:06 - Jun 21 with 1312 viewsMuteswan

Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with collecting seaweed ?

I think he should see kelp.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:20 - Jun 21 with 1299 viewsMuteswan

3 guys on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them.
So they throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter. 🤔
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:46 - Jun 21 with 1282 viewsSwanjaxs

You know when you've put weight on over lockdown when your wife wants to come over your tits.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:51 - Jun 21 with 1247 viewstheloneranger

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”

The teacher said, ”That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating'”

Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was fascinated'”

The teacher said, ”Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'”

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' -so she called on him.

Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried ...!!
[Post edited 21 Jun 16:52]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:59 - Jun 22 with 1141 viewsMuteswan

If a zombie gets upset, does he lose his decomposure?🤔
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:25 - Jun 22 with 1110 viewsMuteswan

Everyone at John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined. Imagine...all the people.

“Yesterday” I was “Back In The USSR” and I needed to “Get Back”. I thought “I Feel Fine”, so “With A Little Help From My Friends”, I bought “A Ticket To Ride”.
“There’s A Place” on the plane, and after “A Hard Day’s Night” going “Here There and Everywhere “ down the “Long and Winding Road” to the airport, I flew home.
Now, I’m stuck “In My Life”.
Whether you’re a “Day Tripper” or coming “Across The Universe”, “Let It Be”.
If we “Come Together” and “Carry That Weight” “All Together Now”, “We Can Work It Out”.
“Do You Want To Know A Secret?”
It’s just “A Day In The Life” - but it’s “Getting Better”!

😳 ”Help”.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:23 - Jun 22 with 1087 viewsWxmJax

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:25 - Jun 22 by Muteswan

Everyone at John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined. Imagine...all the people.

“Yesterday” I was “Back In The USSR” and I needed to “Get Back”. I thought “I Feel Fine”, so “With A Little Help From My Friends”, I bought “A Ticket To Ride”.
“There’s A Place” on the plane, and after “A Hard Day’s Night” going “Here There and Everywhere “ down the “Long and Winding Road” to the airport, I flew home.
Now, I’m stuck “In My Life”.
Whether you’re a “Day Tripper” or coming “Across The Universe”, “Let It Be”.
If we “Come Together” and “Carry That Weight” “All Together Now”, “We Can Work It Out”.
“Do You Want To Know A Secret?”
It’s just “A Day In The Life” - but it’s “Getting Better”!

😳 ”Help”.


I was getting better but after reading that I'll cry instead.

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:02 - Jun 22 with 1056 viewsWarwickHunt

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:25 - Jun 22 by Muteswan

Everyone at John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined. Imagine...all the people.

“Yesterday” I was “Back In The USSR” and I needed to “Get Back”. I thought “I Feel Fine”, so “With A Little Help From My Friends”, I bought “A Ticket To Ride”.
“There’s A Place” on the plane, and after “A Hard Day’s Night” going “Here There and Everywhere “ down the “Long and Winding Road” to the airport, I flew home.
Now, I’m stuck “In My Life”.
Whether you’re a “Day Tripper” or coming “Across The Universe”, “Let It Be”.
If we “Come Together” and “Carry That Weight” “All Together Now”, “We Can Work It Out”.
“Do You Want To Know A Secret?”
It’s just “A Day In The Life” - but it’s “Getting Better”!

😳 ”Help”.


Ban.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:32 - Jun 22 with 1037 viewsMuteswan

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:02 - Jun 22 by WarwickHunt

Ban.


Give me a break, I’ve been shielding since, what seems like, Christmas.
I’m losing it. At least the Swans are back, hopefully that will give me some sort of normality.
😜
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:55 - Jun 22 with 1019 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:32 - Jun 22 by Muteswan

Give me a break, I’ve been shielding since, what seems like, Christmas.
I’m losing it. At least the Swans are back, hopefully that will give me some sort of normality.
😜


We need shielding...from you.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 07:39 - Jun 23 with 969 viewsdickythorpe

Keep them coming Mute, we need you in these trying times!!!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:26 - Jun 23 with 939 viewsMuteswan

Ok. 😁

When does a bad joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:37 - Jun 23 with 931 viewsNotLoyal

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:25 - Jun 22 by Muteswan

Everyone at John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined. Imagine...all the people.

“Yesterday” I was “Back In The USSR” and I needed to “Get Back”. I thought “I Feel Fine”, so “With A Little Help From My Friends”, I bought “A Ticket To Ride”.
“There’s A Place” on the plane, and after “A Hard Day’s Night” going “Here There and Everywhere “ down the “Long and Winding Road” to the airport, I flew home.
Now, I’m stuck “In My Life”.
Whether you’re a “Day Tripper” or coming “Across The Universe”, “Let It Be”.
If we “Come Together” and “Carry That Weight” “All Together Now”, “We Can Work It Out”.
“Do You Want To Know A Secret?”
It’s just “A Day In The Life” - but it’s “Getting Better”!

😳 ”Help”.


Very good, should be on the shit songs thread though 😉

Everyone thinks someone is a cûnt, even those who they don’t thinks are cûnts are cûnts to someone else.
Poll: Who would you rather be in charge of the country during these times?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:48 - Jun 23 with 923 viewsWarwickHunt

Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:26 - Jun 23 by Muteswan

Ok. 😁

When does a bad joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.


Definite ban.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:57 - Jun 23 with 896 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:48 - Jun 23 by WarwickHunt

Definite ban.


What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:12 - Jun 23 with 889 viewstheloneranger

After you’ve read three different reviews of the same film, you start to wonder about history!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:31 - Jun 23 with 807 viewsHighjack

I’ve just bought a delorean. It’s not going to be my main car but I will drive it from time to time.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:44 - Jun 23 with 789 viewsWxmJax

Don't get me started about stealing clothes off a washing line.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:16 - Jun 23 with 765 viewsFlashberryjack

Warning this is a bit rude.

Mary was telling her friend that Dai, her husband had lost all interest in having sex with her, and that he didn't find her attractive anymore and was totally disinterested such things.

So her friend asked if they'd tried the 69 position before having sex, Mary said they hadn't, so her friend explained what it involved.

That night Dai came home from the pub and Mary took him upstairs and told him about the 69 position saying that it would spice up their love making.

Anyway Dai agreed to give it a go, so they got down to it, after a couple of minutes Dai said " I see the bloody Swans lost again"

Mary said "Dai mun, what the hell made you think of that ?"


Dai "there's bit of the back page of the Daily Mirror stuck to your arse"

Another shit joke.

Hello

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:45 - Jun 24 with 643 viewsMuteswan

I answered the door this morning and a 6ft. beetle punched me in the eye.
Apparently there’s a nasty bug going around.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 06:28 - Jun 25 with 557 viewssainthelens

I've never carried a donor card.
Have got fed up with women rejecting my organ as it is.
[Post edited 25 Jun 6:29]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:14 - Jun 25 with 526 viewsMuteswan

“Do not touch” is really quite scary to read in Braille.
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