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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 35582 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:45 - Nov 21 with 4023 viewslifelong

75 year old man goes to the doctor and says at 8.30am eevery morning he fully empties his bladder, then at 8.45am every morning he has a full evacuation of his bowels.
Doctor says that it’s perfectly normal, what’s the problem?
Old man says “I don’t get up until 9.30. “
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:23 - Nov 21 with 3983 viewsFlashberryjack

Father asks his son "what you been up to today son"

Son - "Had my first Shag today dad"

Father - "That's great, well done son, I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for for ages, but you'll have to wait a fortnight until my pay comes through"

Son - "that's alright dad, I wouldn't be able to ride it for a while anyway, my arsehole is killing me.

Hello

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:10 - Nov 21 with 3954 viewstheloneranger

Simon Cowell.....Cheryl Cole.... and Louis Walsh are walking down the street.....

When suddenly Cheryl Cole trips.....falls forward and jams her head in the railings......

Quick as a flash....Simon Cowell pulls down her pants and bangs her from behind....

He turns to Louis and says..."Quick Louis.....Your turn".....

Louis Walsh starts to cry......

"What's wrong?".....asks Simon......

Louis replies....."My head won't fit in the railings"...........!!
4

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:18 - Nov 21 with 3948 viewsdickythorpe

Horse walks into bar, barman says "Guiness?"

"No" says the horse, " I've got the trots"
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:41 - Nov 21 with 3921 viewsoldcob

Tommy wanted to be a monk on Caldy island, but first the Abbot said he must pass the initiation test. He had to tie a small bell to his penis whilst a beautiful young woman walked provocatively passed him. If the bell didn't ring he was in.
He stripped from the waist down, and a naked young blonde walked in, and naturally the bell went tinkle tinkle. "Failed" said the Abbot. "Please" said Tommy "Just give me one more chance. I'm only human" 'okay' said the Abbot just one more chance".
A brunette walked in next and Tommys bell rang again. "It's impossible" said Tommy no man can do it" "I'll prove they can" said the Abbot, and sent for ten monks to stand in a line with Tommy, all with bells tied to their penis.
Then in walked a gorgeous red-head, Tommys favourites. This time Tommys erection was so robust the bell flew right off his penis. The bells of the ten monks remained silent. "That's it" thought Tommy "I'm out" and went across to where the bell had landed, he bend down to pick it up, and all the other bells went TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE!
[Post edited 21 Nov 2017 19:09]
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:15 - Nov 21 with 3892 viewslonglostjack

How many lips do flowers have?

Two lips.

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:24 - Nov 21 with 3862 viewsCooperman

Was on holiday last week and took a dip in the pool.

Lifeguard said “what you got there?”

I said “hummus”.

Poll: Your confectionery tub of choice

5

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:27 - Nov 21 with 3855 viewslonglostjack

Guy having his pint when a white swan comes in, sits beside him and orders a pint.
Bloke says- hey I was in a pub named after you last week.
Swan replies- what? A pub called Eric?

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

2
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:38 - Nov 21 with 3837 viewsdickythorpe

What was Forest Gumps email password? 1 Forest 1
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:45 - Nov 21 with 3828 viewstheloneranger

The wife asked me......"What are you doing on the computer"??....

l told her....."I'm looking for cheap flights"......

"Oh I love you".......... she replied......... and then she got all excited......

She quickly got undressed..... and then we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is very odd..... because she's never shown an interest in darts before.........!!
9

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:47 - Nov 21 with 3827 viewsBanosswan

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.

Ever since my son was... never conceived, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.
Poll: How do you like your steak?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Nov 21 with 3814 viewsBournedore

I love the Sir Clement Freud joke.....

A bloke I knew drank a lot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub and drank a skin full and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his mate "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His mate said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you so he gave you the £20 for the dry-cleaning bill.".

When he gets home his wife's fuming at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, a drunk bloke threw-up over me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill.". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out another note, she said "but why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "the other one is from the bloke who shat in my pants".
11

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Nov 21 with 3814 viewsswan85

What do you do if a bird sh*ts on you?

Don't take her out again!
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:03 - Nov 21 with 3792 viewsmarchamjack

Some people think there are insects on the moon.

Fkn lunar tics

Oh,..Dave, what's occuring?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:03 - Nov 21 with 3748 viewsswan85

Duck walks in a pub on a lunchtime and orders a pie and pint. Barman thinks this is strange, a talking duck, but serves him.

Next day duck goes back in and orders the same. Barman says if you don't mind me saying, we don't get many talking ducks in here. Duck says not many of us about, but I will be in here for the next few weeks, as I am working on the building site over the road.

Following day circus comes to town with a sign saying "bring your talking animals for a chance to win £10.000". Barman sees it and thinks we can clean up here!

Next day when the duck walks in, he says "have you seen the circus is in town and looking for animals like you?"

Duck says "the circus? what do they want a plasterer for?"
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:00 - Nov 21 with 3696 viewsCooperman

My Mrs asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.

I said maybe.

Poll: Your confectionery tub of choice

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:17 - Nov 21 with 3673 viewsGaryjack

Q: What's the difference between ET and an illegal immigrant?

A: ET Learned to speak English and wanted to go home!

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:16 - Nov 22 with 3544 viewsBanosswan

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:17 - Nov 21 by Garyjack

Q: What's the difference between ET and an illegal immigrant?

A: ET Learned to speak English and wanted to go home!



What's ET short for?


'cos he's got little legs.

Ever since my son was... never conceived, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.
Poll: How do you like your steak?

-1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:55 - Nov 22 with 3448 viewsTNT

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:47 - Nov 20 by monmouth

Reminds me of a total animal I knew once whose chat up line was ‘i’d Like to get in your knickers....yeah, I’ve shit in mine’. He’d read somewhere that getting a girl to laugh was key, and he thought that little ice breaker might do the trick.


To which she replied...'There's already one c*nt in my knickers'.

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:16 - Nov 24 with 3311 viewsFlashberryjack

Young boy comes home after a friends Birthday party.

His mothers ask " What did you have at the party Jonny"

Boy - "Jelly Custard and shagging "

Mother "Get up to your room at once"

As soon as the father gets home, his wife tells him what Jonny had told her, and says you had better go up to his room and sort him out.

Father goes up to his room, and drags Jonny downstairs and straight into the kitchen, then starts cooking bacon and eggs.

Wife comes in and says "What the hell are you doing"

Husband "The boy can't go shagging on Jelly and Custard"

Hello

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:30 - Nov 26 with 3199 viewsFlashberryjack

I remember the worst letter I ever wrote as a kid



"Dear Jim, can you fix it for me to meet Rolf Harris"

Hello

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:51 - Nov 26 with 3179 viewsDarran

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway she's now made a formal complaint to the police and I'm banned for life from the gym.

The first ever recipient of a Planet Swans Lifetime Achievement Award.
Poll: Who’s got the most experts

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:58 - Nov 26 with 3170 viewstheloneranger

...A man making love to his new girlfriend...notices a photo of a man on her bedside table....

"Is that your ex husband" ???.....he asks....

"No"...she replies.....

"Well is it your boyfriend.... brother or dad" ???...

"No..... don't be silly".... she replies......

"FFS.... who is it then" ???.....

She smiles and says......"It's me....before my op"............!!
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:33 - Nov 26 with 3149 viewsCooperman

Our local nick has had its toilet stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.
[Post edited 26 Nov 2017 12:34]

Poll: Your confectionery tub of choice

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:38 - Nov 26 with 3143 viewsdna

What's the difference between a Scotsman & Walt Disney???

A Scotsman wears a kilt & Walt Disney
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