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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 38373 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:54 - Nov 26 with 4334 viewsJoe_bradshaw

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:33 - Nov 26 by Cooperman

Our local nick has had its toilet stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.
[Post edited 26 Nov 2017 12:34]


Pets at home was robbed last night.

Police have no leads so far.

Planet Swans Prediction League Winner Season 2013-14. Runner up 2014_15.
Poll: How many points clear of relegation will we be on Saturday night?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:03 - Nov 26 with 4322 viewsdizietsma

I got a book out the library called "How To Make People Like You".


It was about cloning.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:06 - Nov 26 with 4264 viewsSwanjaxs

I said to my wife the other day,
"Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said "i don't like to ring you when your at work!"

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:40 - Nov 26 with 4181 viewsNogginthenog

Scotsman goes into a cake shop asked the girl, " is that a custard or a meringue?, the girl says "no you're not wrong its a custard"
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:41 - Nov 26 with 4178 viewsNogginthenog

I was working in the circus one day when the contortionist had a heart attack, but he was alright cos he died in his own arms.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:45 - Nov 27 with 4094 viewsBloodyhills

They say 40 is the new 30. Try telling that to a fecking speed camera.

Poll: Who wants the Swans to lose games get relegated to get rid of Huw and the yanks.

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:35 - Nov 27 with 4071 viewsBanosswan

Why did Elon Musk pick SpaceX to land on Mars?

Because if he picked SpaceY he'd land on a fourteen year old boy.

Ever since my son was... never conceived, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.
Poll: How do you like your steak?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:39 - Nov 28 with 3961 viewsFlashberryjack

A Gypsy girl is a about to get married.

Her mum says, "Emerald, you do realize that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"

Emerald replies, "Shut up ma, how the f*ck is he gonna fit his Transit Van in the sink?"

Hello

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:29 - Nov 28 with 3936 viewstheloneranger

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.....

He breaks into a house to look for money......and finds a young couple in bed....
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair....... while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her......kisses her neck.... then gets up and goes into the bathroom....

While he's in there....the husband tells his wife....

"Listen... this guy's an escaped convict...look at his clothes..
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years...
I saw how he kissed your neck...If he wants sex.. don't resist....don't complain...do whatever he tells you"...

"Satisfy him no matter how much he makes you feel sick.....This guy is probably very dangerous.... If he gets angry... he'll kill us....Be strong honey..... I love you." .....

To which his wife responds...."He wasn't kissing my neck.... He was whispering in my ear...He told me he was gay... thought you were cute.... and asked me if we had any vaseline"....??

"I told him it was in the bathroom"....

"Be strong honey.....I love you too"......!!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 05:19 - Nov 29 with 3865 viewsMo_Wives

I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Good luck, Mr Cooper

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:09 - Nov 29 with 3820 viewsMo_Wives

My grandfather died recently. He'd suffered from a long illness. The doctor told us to treat him by applying lots of Vaseline to his back...he went downhill fast after that.

Good luck, Mr Cooper

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:13 - Nov 29 with 3816 viewsCooperman

My mate David has been the victim of identity theft.

Now I just call him Dav.

Poll: Your confectionery tub of choice

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:02 - Nov 29 with 3779 viewsEbo

I got a great deal on a 58 inch OLED TV yesterday. £200 in Tesco. The volume is f*cked though.

I couldn't turn it down.

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:05 - Nov 29 with 3777 viewsEbo

There is no Neath fair next year, all the workers got sacked after this years event.

The ex workers are now suing the owner for funfair dismissal.

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

4

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:09 - Nov 29 with 3769 viewsEbo

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?" he says "Are you thucking thupid? I'll thuffocate!"
[Post edited 29 Nov 2017 13:10]

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:09 - Nov 29 with 3768 viewsFlashberryjack

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.

I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."

"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"

"The fat ugly one's winning."

Hello

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:26 - Nov 29 with 3735 viewsdna

Man goes to the doctors with 2 black eyes, a broken nose and a cut lip. Doc says "what happened to you?"

Man says "I was at home when there was a knock at the door, I opened it to see a 6 ft tall cockroach, I didn't have a chance to do anything before he laid into me a gave me a real battering "

"Aye" says the doc "you're the 3rd one in today, there's a nasty bug going around"
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:01 - Nov 29 with 3662 viewsdizietsma

Using pioneering new techniques, scientists have attempted to grow independent human vocal chords from stem cell DNA.


Apparently the results speak for themselves.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 04:29 - Nov 30 with 3628 viewsMo_Wives

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

Good luck, Mr Cooper

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:30 - Nov 30 with 3560 viewsSwanjaxs

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in....

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:59 - Nov 30 with 3546 viewsjacktar

Teacher in class asks little Johnny if he can give her a sentence with contagious in it.
Johnny thinks for a while and says "my mother won't let me play with David next door because he's got measles and it's contagious."
Well done Johnny how about you now Paddy.
Paddy has a think and says " my mammy won't let daddy cut the lawn anymore because it takes the contagious."
[Post edited 30 Nov 2017 17:16]

We shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush you know!

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:01 - Nov 30 with 3524 viewsoldcob

A tanker carrying Preparation H overturned, spilling its load between Margam and Bridgend. Pyle has disappeared.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:20 - Nov 30 with 3465 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:01 - Nov 30 by oldcob

A tanker carrying Preparation H overturned, spilling its load between Margam and Bridgend. Pyle has disappeared.


A lorry carrying 500k worth of Viagra was hijacked today at the Strencham services by five marsked men...
.
Police are looking for a group of hardened criminals

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

2
Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:21 - Nov 30 with 3416 viewsTNT

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:59 - Nov 30 by jacktar

Teacher in class asks little Johnny if he can give her a sentence with contagious in it.
Johnny thinks for a while and says "my mother won't let me play with David next door because he's got measles and it's contagious."
Well done Johnny how about you now Paddy.
Paddy has a think and says " my mammy won't let daddy cut the lawn anymore because it takes the contagious."
[Post edited 30 Nov 2017 17:16]


Said teacher reads the story of David & Goliath, then asks the class, 'What do you think is the moral of the story?' To which Johnny replies, ' Never pick a fight with a shit hot stone thrower.'

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:30 - Dec 2 with 3278 viewsEbo

Police have arrested two men for shoplifting, they had eaten the evidence of a box of fireworks and an assortment of batteries.

The authorities decided to let one off and discharge the other.

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

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