Please log in or register. Registered visitors get fewer ads.
Forum index | Previous Thread | Next thread
Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 38377 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:42 - Dec 2 with 3543 viewsTNT

Johnny tells teacher that his Dad shot a cat's arse, which was up a tree, in their garden. Teacher says, 'Rectum, Johnny'.
Johnny says, 'Miss, he splattered his balls all over the tree.'

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

0
Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:03 - Dec 2 with 3494 viewsmonmouth

Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:42 - Dec 2 by TNT

Johnny tells teacher that his Dad shot a cat's arse, which was up a tree, in their garden. Teacher says, 'Rectum, Johnny'.
Johnny says, 'Miss, he splattered his balls all over the tree.'


Or...

"Mummy, mummy, just stuck a banger up a dogs arse"
"Rectum, Nigel, rectum"
"Sure did mum, blew him to bits"

One from the 1970s there, when dogs were treated as animals rather than human children.

Poll: TRUST MEMBERS: What DID you vote in the, um, vote

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:08 - Dec 2 with 3476 viewsDarran

19 and 20 had a fight.


21.

The first ever recipient of a Planet Swans Lifetime Achievement Award.
Poll: Who’s got the most experts

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:45 - Dec 2 with 3453 viewsSwanjaxs

93% of men living in Liverpool have admitted to having had sex in the shower.... the other 7% said they haven't been to prison yet ....

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:20 - Dec 3 with 3390 viewsjackportis

He’s been given the sack.....
Who? Clement

No.... Santa

Jackportis the brand. “A gifted poster”, “planet swans have a real talent on their hands in the name of Jackportis” sky sports 2018. . JP fully supports posters of LBG, mx orientation and ethnic minority groups. Update - now fully supporting the pansexual community.

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:06 - Apr 13 with 1798 viewsNeath_Jack

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the
Yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off to calm me down," came the reply from the Yellow
Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you
here?

"I'm an humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and
she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

I want a mate like Flashberryjacks, who wears a Barnsley jersey with "Swans are my second team" on the back.
Poll: Would you support military action against Syria on what we know so far?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:29 - Apr 13 with 1760 viewsThrasher6

My Grandfather once told me....when one door closes...another door opens...


Lovely fella....awful cabinet maker...

Poll: Social Distancing: When will it be an obsolete word?

6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:31 - Apr 13 with 1757 viewsdickythorpe

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.
1
Login to get fewer ads


Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:32 - Apr 13 with 1752 viewsHighjack

It’s always awful to read in the news about all the conflict between Sunni and Shia. They seemed to get on great when they sung I got you babe.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:43 - Apr 13 with 1732 viewssainthelens

Back in the day, my grandfather was in the circus, as an incontinent trapeze artist.

He used to come on to warm the crowd up.
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:47 - Apr 13 with 1724 viewssainthelens

Before the lockdown, I went to see an acupuncturist. He said " what's the problem?".
I said " well I keep getting pins n needles in my legs ".
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:48 - Apr 13 with 1721 viewstheloneranger

The wife said ... "If you're bored, why don't you make a bird table??"

Now she's right p1ssed off, because I've put her in fifth place!!
5

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:51 - Apr 13 with 1705 viewssainthelens

We were on the plane recently, stewardess doing the safety before take off said " in the event of an emergency, put yer head between yer legs".

The reply was " if I could do that, I wouldn't be going to Thailand!".
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:00 - Apr 13 with 1677 viewsHighjack

Did you hear about that time Jennifer Grey walked in on Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly eating a hundred chocolate eggs? He said “Have to love Easter baby.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:09 - Apr 13 with 1654 viewsJoe_bradshaw

The Pope had become very Ill and his five doctors examined him and discussed their findings. They told the cardinals that they had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex with a woman.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctors and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I will talk to god and ask for his guidance".

The following day the Pope assembled the cardinals and told them that god had told him to have sex with a woman but there were four conditions about the woman that must be met.

The cardinals were surprised and asked "what are the four conditions?”

The room stilled. There was a long pause.

The Pope replied, “First, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.

The cardinals were delighted and said that truly god has spoken to the holy father. "What is the second condition"? They asked.

"The second condition is that she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with, in case I cry out at the awfulness of it all" said the Pope.

The cardinals were ecstatic. Truly the holy father had heard God's voice.
"What is the third condition "? They asked.

And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” said the Pope.

After a long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition, holy father?”

The Pope replied, “Really big tits.”

Planet Swans Prediction League Winner Season 2013-14. Runner up 2014_15.
Poll: How many points clear of relegation will we be on Saturday night?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:13 - Apr 13 with 1593 viewsThrasher6

To save our relationship I thought I would do something to spice up our sex life by buying a waterbed.

It was no good...

We ended up just drifting apart.....

Poll: Social Distancing: When will it be an obsolete word?

4

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:28 - Apr 13 with 1560 viewsperplex

Big roided up guy in the pub keeps staring at me, so I give him the finger, he storms over and screams in my face saying do you know who I fcuking am,
so I turn to the lads and say boys there`s a guy here who does not know who he is.
0
Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:43 - Apr 13 with 1542 viewsBrynCartwright

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:28 - Apr 13 by perplex

Big roided up guy in the pub keeps staring at me, so I give him the finger, he storms over and screams in my face saying do you know who I fcuking am,
so I turn to the lads and say boys there`s a guy here who does not know who he is.


Is he Ronnie Pickering?

Poll: Darts or Snooker?

5
Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Apr 13 with 1491 viewsNortbankboy

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:43 - Apr 13 by BrynCartwright

Is he Ronnie Pickering?


Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD,s?

In Iraq!
2
Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:31 - Apr 13 with 1446 viewsairedale

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:38 - Nov 26 by dna

What's the difference between a Scotsman & Walt Disney???

A Scotsman wears a kilt & Walt Disney


Good joke.

I realised when I read it that the first time I heard it, it was Bing Crosby (Bing sings but Walt Disney).

The joke has changed, obviously because most people today haven’t heard of Bing Crosby.

I’m an old fart aren’t I?
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:54 - Apr 13 with 1417 viewsFlashberryjack

She was only the welders daughter......but she had acetylene t*ts.

Hello

0
Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:04 - Apr 13 with 1414 viewslonglostjack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:31 - Apr 13 by airedale

Good joke.

I realised when I read it that the first time I heard it, it was Bing Crosby (Bing sings but Walt Disney).

The joke has changed, obviously because most people today haven’t heard of Bing Crosby.

I’m an old fart aren’t I?


I must be too young. I don’t get it?

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

0
Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:25 - Apr 13 with 1395 viewsWarwickHunt

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:04 - Apr 13 by longlostjack

I must be too young. I don’t get it?


Dis nae - doesn’t. Hoots mon. D’ya ken?
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:28 - Apr 13 with 1387 viewsSwanjaxs

Two parrots on a perch...

One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:40 - Apr 13 with 1370 viewsTNT

I bought a car from one of The Krays.

Reg?

No, Ronnie.

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

1
About Us Contact Us Terms & Conditions Privacy Cookies Advertising
© FansNetwork 2020