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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 34347 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 13 with 2151 viewstheloneranger

... "DID YOU KNOW THAT" ...

When the DNA results from Osama Bin Laden's body came back

They contained ...

52% coconut ... 28% chocolate ... 12% milk ... and 8% sugar ...

Forensic experts said this was probably due to the fact that ....

"He had a Bounty on his head" ...!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:15 - Apr 14 with 2012 viewsdna

Went to a Hot Chocolate themed picnic - It started with a quiche.
>
>
>
The Abba tribute band were loud - you could hear the drums from Nandos
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:21 - Apr 14 with 1979 viewsWxmJax

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:40 - Apr 13 by TNT

I bought a car from one of The Krays.

Reg?

No, Ronnie.


Next time....

What Reg ?


Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:51 - Apr 14 with 1961 viewsJinxy

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:08 - Dec 2 by Darran

19 and 20 had a fight.


21.


Why was 10 scared? Because 7 8 9.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:39 - Apr 14 with 1885 viewsperplex

Knock knock
who`s there
Adolph
Adolph who
Adolph ball hit me in the mouth and I can`t speak properly.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:16 - Apr 14 with 1861 viewstheloneranger

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she ...

A. Has intimacy issues??

B. Is frigid??

C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus??
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:44 - Apr 14 with 1793 viewsTNT

Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:21 - Apr 14 by WxmJax

Next time....

What Reg ?



Incorrect.

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:01 - Apr 14 with 1767 viewsBanosswan

What's white, light, fluffy and swings from trees?



A meringue-utan...

Ever since my son was... never conceived, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.
Poll: How do you like your steak?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:26 - Apr 15 with 1724 viewsairedale

What’s white and moves across the dance floor?

Come Dancing.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:40 - Apr 15 with 1712 viewsWxmJax

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever go in to a bank wearing a mask and ask for money.

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:58 - Apr 15 with 1574 viewsNeath_Jack

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you can be a right c*nt when you’re drunk, Superman.”

I want a mate like Flashberryjacks, who wears a Barnsley jersey with "Swans are my second team" on the back.
Poll: Would you support military action against Syria on what we know so far?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:02 - Apr 15 with 1561 viewsSwanjaxs

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Irish burglar...

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:17 - Apr 15 with 1551 viewstheloneranger

The only known photo of Osama Bin Laden's funeral ...


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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:10 - Apr 15 with 1504 viewsJack11

Got a mate who works for Timpson and he's got no work at the moment due to coronavirus. Not considered a key worker.
[Post edited 15 Apr 20:11]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:55 - Apr 15 with 1445 viewsTNT

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

'I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:29 - Apr 16 with 1385 viewsdna

Amal & Juan are identical twins, their Mum only carries one photo, because -

If you seen Juan you've seen Amal!!!

>>>

A weasel walks into a bar

"What can I get you" asks the barman

"Pop" goes the weasel
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Apr 16 with 1306 viewssainthelens

Before the lockdown I went for a Chinese. Waiter came up and said " curry ok ?"
I said " yeah, put me down for My Way...Frank Sinatra ".
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:44 - Apr 16 with 1281 viewsHighjack

I was watching a film last night about a criminal that liked to tweak people’s nipples before running away.

I couldn’t believe the twist at the end.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:35 - Apr 16 with 1249 viewsdickythorpe

Enya rugby club aren't happy about their next 3 fixtures

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:49 - Apr 16 with 1237 viewsGaryjack

Paddy and Murphy.

Paddy: I broke in to a place last night and stole a load of pictures. The cheapest one is worth £186k!

Murphy: Ffs Paddy, you've done over a fvckin estate agents!
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:59 - Apr 16 with 1217 viewsTNT

"I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P-something T-something R..."

"I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, 'How many potatoes would you like?'
I said 'Ooh, I'll just have one please.' She said 'It's OK, you don't have to be polite.'
'Alright,' I said, 'I'll just have one then, you stupid cow.'

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:43 - Apr 17 with 1171 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:44 - Apr 16 by Highjack

I was watching a film last night about a criminal that liked to tweak people’s nipples before running away.

I couldn’t believe the twist at the end.


"I was watching a film last night about a criminal that liked to tweak people’s nipples before running away. "

...So a titter run through the crowd.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 00:51 - Apr 17 with 1166 viewssainthelens

Was driving my delivery lorry through Bradford, was bit lost so stopped and asked one of the locals "Tesco?"

He replied " India 195 for 8".
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:26 - Apr 17 with 1060 viewsHeadmaster

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:30 - Apr 17 with 985 viewssainthelens

No razors in my gaff, my Mrs said I should grow a moustache.
Bless her, we do everything together.
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