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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 34309 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 17 with 1560 viewsTNT

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:49 - Apr 17 with 1545 viewsjack2jack

The missus asked me if I wanted tea earlier
I said what are the choices
She replied yes or fvcking no.😠
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:05 - Apr 17 with 1535 viewssainthelens

Michael Jackson is unconscious on his ranch, the 2 doctors are are standing over him and starting to panic. " What we gonna do" one said.
The other replies " I'm going on the dodgems first".
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:22 - Apr 18 with 1499 viewsJinxy

I've been reading a book called "The history of glue". I just couldn't put it down.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:45 - Apr 18 with 1479 viewssainthelens

Tony Angelino was caught thieving kitchen equipment. Was a whisk he had to take.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:12 - Apr 18 with 1469 viewstheloneranger

If you see someone doing a crossword today,

Lean over and say ... "7 up is lemonade" ...!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:39 - Apr 18 with 1451 viewsJinxy

Crimes at multi-storey car parks are wrong on so many levels.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:45 - Apr 18 with 1379 viewsleighton1318

Person isn’t feeling well and goes to the doctor.

‘Doctor, something’s not right. Yesterday I started to think I was a wigwam’.

Doctor: ‘Is this the first time this has happened?’

‘Well, no. Last week there was a time I thought I was a marquee’.

Doctor: ‘I think I understand your problem. You’re too tense’.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 18 with 1310 viewsHighjack

What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Mart6 can’t take a joke.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

-1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 01:21 - Apr 19 with 1281 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 18 by Highjack

What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Mart6 can’t take a joke.


Oh, you poor snowflake! #Pray for Highjack.

Totally unbiased... except when it comes to Mart6.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:39 - Apr 20 with 1186 viewsbuilthjack

Maggie had a visit from God and was told that if she gave up smoking, drinking, and sex, then she would go to heaven.
A week later God turned up again.
He asked Maggie how she was doing.
Maggie said she had managed to give up smoking and drinking, and was doing well with the sex. But earlier today she was bending over the freezer getting some ice cream out, and her fella came up behind her, lifted her skirt, pushed her knickers to one side, and gave her a good seeing to.
God said that they wouldn't like that in heaven.
Maggie replied that they didn't think much of it in Aldi either.

Poll: Birch - Would you trust him ?

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:13 - Apr 20 with 1152 viewsWxmJax


Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:14 - Apr 20 with 1147 viewsHighjack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:13 - Apr 20 by WxmJax



I love Tim Vine. The absolute pinnacle of shit jokes but it’s all delivered with such a sense of fun.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:20 - Apr 20 with 1117 viewsSwanjaxs


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:02 - Apr 20 with 1089 viewstheloneranger

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I'll offer women free tattoos if they show me a breast.

I'm thinking of calling it ... "Tit For Tat"


🏃
[Post edited 20 Apr 18:24]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:59 - Apr 20 with 1017 viewsbuilthjack

I just rung the man at the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house.
He said go for it fatty.

Poll: Birch - Would you trust him ?

3
Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:04 - Apr 20 with 1009 viewsjack2jack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:59 - Apr 20 by builthjack

I just rung the man at the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house.
He said go for it fatty.


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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:11 - Apr 20 with 993 viewsTNT

If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:18 - Apr 20 with 981 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:11 - Apr 20 by TNT

If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?


I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Should we take an unprecedented truce between Planet Swans and CCMB?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:20 - Apr 21 with 905 viewsEbo

Saw Michael J Fox down the garden centre before the lockdown. I knew it was him as he had his back to the fuchsias.

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:23 - Apr 21 with 904 viewsEbo

Man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog".

Dr: "Well hop up onto the couch and let's have a look at you"

Man "I'm not allowed on couch"

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:11 - Apr 21 with 858 viewsdna

How do you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh now!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:56 - Apr 21 with 776 viewsTNT

Bar Keeper says, ' Sorry, we don't serve Time Travellers'.

Time Traveller walks into a bar.

Poll: Would you make goalposts bigger?

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:36 - Apr 23 with 671 viewsdna

Boy George's reptile has bitten 5 people in one day

Think he needs a calmer chameleon!!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:39 - Apr 23 with 649 viewssainthelens

Once ordered octopus in a restaurant. After waiting over an hour, I asked the waiter why the delay?
" Well sir, we cook em live but the fckers keep turning the gas off !".
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