A long R'd week - Bosh Times
Thursday, 25th Sep 2008 15:32

Bosh looks back on a frantic week in the life of Queens Park Rangers as only he can.

And it’s Queens Park Rangers
Queens Park Rangers FC
We are totally unique
We play in a boutique
And it’s Queens Park Rangers…

Give us a B, give as an O, give us a U, give us a T, give us an I, give us a Q, give us an a U, give us an E. What have you got? BOUTIQUE-AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Walking along,
With piped music song
Walking in a boutique wonderland.

Having safely negotiated the red carpet box queue, the guest list, the doorman and the fashion police I finally got in to the Loftus Road Boutique for the match against red and white south coasters Selfhelptown. I’d been sprayed with perfume, given some money off vouchers and an Alacarte menu to the Gold Club members’ coffee bar.

With Dexter Mattbox cruelly scoring a quick opening goal after only a minute, thus robbing numerous supporters who had been rushing in to Block F from a five hour in the pub of the chance to see it Rangers dictated the early pace against the men in red and white. However after 40 seconds that work rate appeared to drop and eventually the game evened up until Delayedknee was upended by one of the worst tackles Rangers fans have never seen. The ref was so quick to bring out his card (his yellow having been pinched by Nathan Diehard while the ref was in the loo before the game) that the debutant who received it barely had time to put his head in his hands or apologise to Delayedkneee, who appeared at first glance to have been harpooned by the challenge.

Rangers greeted the opposition having ten men by very sportingly making it look as if Selfhelptown still had eleven or twelve players on the pitch. In the main seeing if they could either protect the 40 second lead or threaten to ruin the plan by scoring a second. Thankfully Selfhelptown had England World Cup legend Gordon Banks between the sticks defying Mattbox at every attempt.

In the second half the R’s once again slipped in to their routine of passing to the opposition, winning the ball back and then passing it back to the opposition. As the barber shop shirted team drew level Rangers Gaffer Healbee Nodoubtfired abandoned the 8 at the back formation and finally threw on Rowlabout and Agadoodoodoo. The duo responded quickly as Rangers showed you can completely knacker the offside rule by having ten players all converge on the same ball at once, so the linesman hadn’t got a clue who was actually going for it. The R’s new found concentration king Damian Thingy kneed the ball in to make it 2-1. After which Mattbox and Agadoodoodoo finished off the rout to make the score line look more comfortable. Fortunately there were only four minutes of extra time with Boutique staff keen to shut the place down by five.

On to the east coast and country funny folk Narlywitch. Rangers found that the secret of success was to actually lose players, as Nodoubtfired commented after the subsequent defeat at Conventdairy.

“Going down to ten men suited our 1-9-0 formation,” Nodoubtfired reasoned. “The lads really pulled together in midfield. We took Cookie off as he makes the best brew in the club and we knew the other lads would want a cuppa at half time. Also it means under the terms of his loan he can go back to Fulham and play the second half for them each week, which in turn means we don’t have to buy him ever and can string it out indefinitely. Back here at the R’s though I think that semi circular, square route, triangle formation is the way to go for the rest of the season. With ten men we looked comfortable. With nine, eight or seven men I think we could have banged six or seven passed them.”

This new tactic however fell apart in the Midlands a few days later as Nodoubtfired continued. “At Carvery we got it all wrong. Eleven men couldn’t cope. Although we didn’t get the result I was delighted by the performance. Although saying that even if we had lost 6-0 I would have been delighted with the performance so to only lose 1-0 was positively orgasmic.”

Nodoubtfired also went on to explain future away squad rotation: “Away from home we play better with less players. That means we have to lose some of the players along the way. I intend to do this at service stations on the way to these games. You know, get one of the players to buy some sweets or a coffee and then just drive off and leave them there until we come back. That way we may actually only arrive at grounds with six or seven players, which as we found on the east coast leads to almost certain victory. It also allows me to try out my multi rounded surface, twelve point diamond formation, which I favour personally, even though it does mean only playing 95% of the team across the middle.”

Nodoubtfired had a chance to try this formula at Aston Martin Villas in the cup on Wednesday night to disastrous effect. Not one of the team fell for the ploy and a frustrated gaffer had no alternative but to play all eleven players.

“I wasn’t happy,” admitted Nodoubtfired, “but in the end it was the magnificent Damalang Stewedpiss who rose to head in to the net from a horribly accurate Damwell Parrrotjoe cross. We thought about getting a few players sent off to ease the pressure. I even thought about holding up a mobile phone and saying one of the players missus was on the phone having a baby. At one point I even employed Paul Whitehouse to play the chocolateiere and entice the players down the tunnel but to no avail. In the end it’s all good for the club and I’m confident the owners can charge £124,976,987,009,875 for a seat behind the stand for the next round. Fans will sell their houses, cars, kids, belongings and vital organs to follow us now. Like Derby fans will on Saturday to even think about coming to London!”

- Bosh Times