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Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 92482 viewsBoston

What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?

A Volts Wagon.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

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Corny Joke Warning on 01:17 - Sep 13 with 3618 viewsade_qpr

Then God said unto John: “Come forth and receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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Corny Joke Warning on 10:53 - Sep 13 with 3497 viewsEsox_Lucius

A young novice nun is taking her first shower in the Abbey after her first day and turns around to rinse her back off and sees a man looking through the window at her and shouts out "Who are you? what are doing staring in the window at me?"
The guy says "Don't mind me I'm the blind man"
"Oh" she says and carries on showering.
She relates her tale to one of the senior nuns at dinner that night and the older nun nods her head and says "Yes that's right, we are having blinds fitted in all the rooms over the next few months".

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

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Corny Joke Warning on 11:07 - Sep 13 with 3497 viewshubble

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?
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Corny Joke Warning on 11:19 - Sep 13 with 3493 viewsDorse

Music shop joke #427

'Excuse me, do you have a French Horn?'
'No, it's just the way my trousers hang'.

'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'

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Corny Joke Warning on 11:32 - Sep 13 with 3479 viewsdontknowitall

I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene
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Corny Joke Warning on 11:54 - Sep 13 with 3455 viewsGalileo

A Spanish family have just moved in next door, they introduced their two children as Jose and his brother Hose b.
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Corny Joke Warning on 13:27 - Sep 13 with 3401 viewsEsox_Lucius

Arthur, the well known hitman is approached and asked to kill someone's wife for a quid. He is told she is usually in Tesco at this time of the day so he starts having a look around and sees the woman; he creeps up behind her and strangles her and starts to make his escape. On the way out he sees another woman who looks a lot more like the description he had been given by the husband and, because he doesn't want to miss out on his quid, he creeps up behind this woman and strangles her also.
Unbeknown to him, he has been spotted by security and is apprehended on the way out.
The headlines in the paper the next day read; "Artie chokes two for a pound at Tesco".

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

2

Corny Joke Warning on 13:55 - Sep 13 with 3387 viewsdontknowitall

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes so I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me. Apparently they use actors on the show
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Corny Joke Warning on 14:04 - Sep 13 with 3376 viewsMick_S


"I suffer from insomnia and I've tried everything, even counting sheep. I got up to about 100 sheep the other night and still couldn’t get to sleep, so I went back inside."

Did I ever mention that I was in Minder?
Poll: Should Seann and Katya stay on Strictly Come Dancing?

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Corny Joke Warning on 14:42 - Sep 13 with 3342 viewsbosh67

I have sex daily.

Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia.

Never knowingly right.
Poll: Rename South Africa Road stand the Stan Bowles stand

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Corny Joke Warning on 11:21 - Sep 14 with 3126 viewsAshdown_Ranger

A reworking of a very old joke retold as 'news'.

Still funny though...

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Corny Joke Warning on 11:36 - Sep 14 with 3104 viewsEsox_Lucius

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist “Do you have Viagra?”
"Yes we do" he answered!
“Does it really work?" she said
"Yes" came the reply!
“Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
“I can if I take two!” He answered.
[Post edited 14 Sep 2018 12:51]

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

2

Corny Joke Warning on 11:43 - Sep 14 with 3098 viewsdontknowitall

This bloke came into my workplace shouting "Vodka, Tequila, Sambuca!"

I said "Hey, i call the shots around here..."
4

Corny Joke Warning on 11:55 - Sep 14 with 3078 viewscolinallcars

Not a joke - a true story. Sybil Shepherd and Tom Jones were on TV chat show. Sybil was saying how much she loves Wales and would always visit whenever she could “ I think I must have a bit of Welsh in me” she wittered “would you like a little bit more in you?” Said Tom.
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Corny Joke Warning on 12:08 - Sep 14 with 3064 viewscolinallcars

An old musicians'joke. Man goes to doctor with sleeping problems “I keep waking up at four in the morning” he says “ You are listening to too much Faron Young” replied the doctor.
[Post edited 14 Sep 2018 12:24]
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Corny Joke Warning on 12:22 - Sep 14 with 3050 viewsMick_S

Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge.

When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking.

Did I ever mention that I was in Minder?
Poll: Should Seann and Katya stay on Strictly Come Dancing?

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Corny Joke Warning on 15:25 - Sep 14 with 2940 viewsEsox_Lucius

One explorer turns to the other after discovering what they believe to be a new country
"What shall we call it?"
Explorer 2 "Dunno, where's the wife?"
Explorer 1"Why?"
Explorer 2 "Alaska".

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

0

Corny Joke Warning on 19:28 - Sep 14 with 2858 viewsBoston

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the P is silent.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

1

Corny Joke Warning on 22:59 - Sep 14 with 2785 viewsjohncharles

The professor gave a lecture on the more sex you have the happier you are. He asked the audience how many people here have sex every day. More than half of the audience, a very happy and joyful lot put their hands up. How many of you have sex once a week ? Most of the rest, looking happy enough, put up their hands. So, how many of you only have sex once a month ? A miserable bunch put up their hands.
Is there any one here who only have sex once year asked the professor ?
Me, me shouted a very happy chap at the back. Only once a year asked the professor ?
Tonight, tonight !!

Strong and stable my arse.

1

Corny Joke Warning on 00:50 - Sep 15 with 2752 viewsDorse

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.

'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'

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Corny Joke Warning on 22:43 - Sep 15 with 2589 views2Thomas2Bowles

Bloke asked me why I was pulling a string
I said you want to try pushing it

He said why is your dog wearing brown boots?
I said cos the black ones are at the menders

He said where are you going with the dog?
To the vets to be put down

Is it mad?
Well it's not very pleased

No To Mob Rule Leave Means Leave
Poll: What will the result of the GE be

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Corny Joke Warning on 23:54 - Sep 15 with 2548 viewsBoston

How does a snowman get to work?

By icicle.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

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Corny Joke Warning on 23:59 - Sep 15 with 2544 viewsBoston

What do you get when you mix 4th Form English with alcohol?

Tequila Mocking bird.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

2

Corny Joke Warning on 08:36 - Sep 16 with 2475 viewshubble

Bloke walks into a dentist's, he the last patient of the day.
What can I do for you? asks the dentist.
Well, it's like this, says the bloke, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
Well you're in the wrong place, the dentist replies, you need a psychiatrist.
I know, the bloke replies, but your light was on.
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Corny Joke Warning on 15:04 - Sep 16 with 2353 viewsBoston

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korean missiles can't go that far.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

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