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Biggest con you've done 21:32 - Jul 7 with 3166 viewsBlackCrowe

I about 13 just started a new school (a boarding one - don't judge me Bazza!).

We had outdoor PE on a freezing morning and i decided to bunk it so went to the school sick=bay and faked a stomach ache. The nurse prodded around my stomach area and i groaned and oohed at random points. She called for a doctor.

The doctor came to examine me. He prodded around my stomach area and i groaned and oohed at random points.

Then my mum was called to pick me up and drive me to hospital to have my appendix out. On the way there, tears welling in my eyes at the enormity of the situation i'd got myself into but i still didn't confess.

And so i had the operation and my appendix removed. Was off school for about 3 weeks. Single-most stupid thing i've ever done.
[Post edited 7 Jul 2019 21:40]

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Biggest con you've done on 23:19 - Jul 7 with 2992 viewsBoston

This ‘boarding school’, state run was it?

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

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Biggest con you've done on 23:44 - Jul 7 with 2958 viewsBazzaInTheLoft

I’m currently looking for a job and appearing professional for an hour is a becoming a bit of a stretch.
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Biggest con you've done on 09:48 - Jul 8 with 2655 viewsNorthLondonR

That'll learn ya!
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Biggest con you've done on 11:44 - Jul 8 with 2514 viewsMetallica_Hoop

I still find this amusing.

While filming Hornblower as an Extra down by Three Mills in Bromley, we were outside what was suppost to be a debtors prison hanging around covered in dirt.

Anyway I hear this "Excuse me sir" so I looked left and this little bald bloke had wondered down the ramp from the supermarket. "hmmm" says I. "Apart from you what other stars are in this" F'k knows who he mistook me for anyway in my best Latymer accent I proceded to tell him I'd be languishing in the prison etc julia salwalha etc Robert Lindsay etc.

Eventually like a respectful peasent (almost expected him to doff the cap he wasn't wearing) he said"Thank you sir, have a good day" and toddled off back up the ramp.
I bet that night down the pub he told his mates 'guess who I met today? nice chap'

Thank f'k he didn't ask for an autograph.

Beer and Beef has made us what we are - The Prince Regent

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Biggest con you've done on 11:52 - Jul 8 with 2492 viewsFDC

A friend of mine's sister was somehow involved with the second coming of the Happy Mondays (I can't really remember what her role was, but it was a connection that ended up with me DJing for Bez in Sheffield a few years later -- another messy story), and we ended up at party at Turn Mills that was sprinkled with minor celebrities. Me and a couple of friends spotted Jo Guest larging it about the place and posing for photos. So we went over and asked her for a photo. She got ready to pose with us, and was confused and then visibly irritated when I passed her my camera (yep, remember them?) and asked her to take a photo of me and my friends.

Not really a con, but she definitely got the hump.
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Biggest con you've done on 12:37 - Jul 8 with 2420 viewsjohann28

Quite unintentional.

Went to visit a friend in Hammersmith hospital. Dress: nice jacket but Qpr Dennis the Menace shirt underneath. On arrival at the desk, someone started telling me which ward I should visit first, gave me an official looking badge and started generally fawning. I asked her why she was doing all this, then she sort of looked at me a bit puzzled and said 'you are, the chaplain, aren't you?' I replied, 'do i look like a chaplain?' to which she, now a bit suspicious, said 'you do, actually - he always wears that funny shirt'.

So I played along and was the chaplain for the rest of day; I told them there's nothing up / out there and that they should read some Voltaire.

Ok, no I didn't - I just admitted I wasn't the chaplain, but one can dream.
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Biggest con you've done on 12:46 - Jul 8 with 2382 viewsloftboy

I used to do “ a beat the goalie “ fete for an ex work colleague, this was way before the internet, told the kids I was Peter shilton and duly signed autographs as such!!

favourite cheese mature Cheddar. FFS there is no such thing as the EPL
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Biggest con you've done on 12:46 - Jul 8 with 2380 viewsFDC

Biggest con you've done on 12:37 - Jul 8 by johann28

Quite unintentional.

Went to visit a friend in Hammersmith hospital. Dress: nice jacket but Qpr Dennis the Menace shirt underneath. On arrival at the desk, someone started telling me which ward I should visit first, gave me an official looking badge and started generally fawning. I asked her why she was doing all this, then she sort of looked at me a bit puzzled and said 'you are, the chaplain, aren't you?' I replied, 'do i look like a chaplain?' to which she, now a bit suspicious, said 'you do, actually - he always wears that funny shirt'.

So I played along and was the chaplain for the rest of day; I told them there's nothing up / out there and that they should read some Voltaire.

Ok, no I didn't - I just admitted I wasn't the chaplain, but one can dream.


Ha, enormous potential for mischief spurned.
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Biggest con you've done on 13:18 - Jul 8 with 2291 viewsderbyhoop

Not me, personally. But my youngest son used to sell his cousin's (Andy Cole) autographs. Now you may remember Cole as a black lad. My son was fair and blond.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the Earth all one’s lifetime. (Mark Twain) Find me on twitter @derbyhoop

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Biggest con you've done on 13:19 - Jul 8 with 2280 viewsNoDiddley

Coming out of Leicester a few years back (Nygaard wonder goal), I’m crossing the road in slow moving traffic & there’s this bloke driving whilst on his mobile. I taps on the window, which he winds down “Want to get off your mobile sir?” I says, “Who are you then?” He replies.
I’m a Police Officer at which point I pull out my wallet with my train ID card in!
“Sorry Officer “ he says as he puts it way, meanwhile my mate is on the floor pissing himself.
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Biggest con you've done on 13:46 - Jul 8 with 2192 viewsAntti_Heinola

BlackCrowe!

Did you read 'Boy' by Roald Dahl before or after this scheme?! He did exactly the same thing as a kid! Is that were you got the idea?

Bare bones.

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Biggest con you've done on 14:03 - Jul 8 with 2163 viewsR_from_afar

Someone who was on the same modern languages course as me in the 1980s unintentionally staged a con while on his year abroad, in Germany.

He liked his football and he and a mate based elsewhere in that country decided to meet up at a lower league match which was some distance from where they both lived. Our hero took the train to the match and once off the train, started walking to the ground. A short while later, a coach drew up alongside him and a bloke jumped out and asked him for directions. It turned out that it was the away team, en route to the game but struggling to find the ground.

Matey boy confidently told them that he knew the way, adding that he had passed the ground on the train. The bloke was pleased to hear that and kindly offered him a lift to the ground. However...

...As it turned out, our hapless student had made a dangerous assumption about the stadium he had seen from the train and when the coach reached it, they all found that, to their dismay, it was the wrong ground.

Eventually, the coach trundled up to the correct venue, with the language student struggling to cope with his extreme embarrassment. They all streamed off the bus, only to be confronted by a load of autograph hunters.

Somewhere on eBay, a German football fan is probably still trying to flog the autograph of a mysterious bi-lingual Englishman who played lower league football in the German fan's homeland during the 80s....

"Things had started becoming increasingly desperate at Loftus Road but QPR have been handed a massive lifeline and the place has absolutely erupted. it's carnage. It's bedlam. It's 1-1."

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Biggest con you've done on 14:04 - Jul 8 with 2164 viewsPinnerPaul

Got my Mum to write my (2nd) sick note so I could watch QPR v Chelsea in the FA Cup, when it was played midweek afternoon because of miners' strike.

1st game (& 1st sick note) was off because of a waterlogged pitch.
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Biggest con you've done on 14:08 - Jul 8 with 2144 viewsBlackCrowe

Biggest con you've done on 13:46 - Jul 8 by Antti_Heinola

BlackCrowe!

Did you read 'Boy' by Roald Dahl before or after this scheme?! He did exactly the same thing as a kid! Is that were you got the idea?


Oh my god, no way - never read it. Will look it up.

Things worsened for me and karma got me, as a couple of months back at school, post up and with my resistance presumably low, i got pneumonia and had about another 8 weeks off.

I confessed it to my mum and dad at Christmas about 10 years later. It took them a while to believe it.

Flipping weirdo.

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Biggest con you've done on 14:15 - Jul 8 with 2106 viewsrobith

Not me, but a mate of mine is ex forces and gets jobs in dangerous places working for consultancies or security firms.

Anyway lies on his CV that he speaks the local language, gets a new job. Turns up on his first day and discovers his new employers aren't giving him the armed driver he had in his previous role on account of how well he speaks the language.

Spent 6 months driving round one of the most dangerous cities on earth in a fiat punto.
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Biggest con you've done on 14:20 - Jul 8 with 2076 viewsAntti_Heinola

Biggest con you've done on 14:08 - Jul 8 by BlackCrowe

Oh my god, no way - never read it. Will look it up.

Things worsened for me and karma got me, as a couple of months back at school, post up and with my resistance presumably low, i got pneumonia and had about another 8 weeks off.

I confessed it to my mum and dad at Christmas about 10 years later. It took them a while to believe it.

Flipping weirdo.


Blimey - that was risky. Also a bit odd that they did the op based purely on what you said - you must've been convincing!
They believed Dahl, but when his mum got him home and took him to their family doc, he immediately said there was no way he had appendicitis as his stomach was soft where it should have been harder. They let him stay home for a bit then sent him back! Have a read - great book, even for adults. Funny.

Bare bones.

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Biggest con you've done on 14:32 - Jul 8 with 2040 viewsBlackCrowe

Biggest con you've done on 14:20 - Jul 8 by Antti_Heinola

Blimey - that was risky. Also a bit odd that they did the op based purely on what you said - you must've been convincing!
They believed Dahl, but when his mum got him home and took him to their family doc, he immediately said there was no way he had appendicitis as his stomach was soft where it should have been harder. They let him stay home for a bit then sent him back! Have a read - great book, even for adults. Funny.


The surgeon came round the next day and informed me that it hadn't burst or anything but that it looked pretty gunked up (whatever that meant). I think we both secretly knew that each other knew it was a hoax and he was being nice.

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Biggest con you've done on 14:41 - Jul 8 with 2021 viewsCiderwithRsie

Biggest con you've done on 12:37 - Jul 8 by johann28

Quite unintentional.

Went to visit a friend in Hammersmith hospital. Dress: nice jacket but Qpr Dennis the Menace shirt underneath. On arrival at the desk, someone started telling me which ward I should visit first, gave me an official looking badge and started generally fawning. I asked her why she was doing all this, then she sort of looked at me a bit puzzled and said 'you are, the chaplain, aren't you?' I replied, 'do i look like a chaplain?' to which she, now a bit suspicious, said 'you do, actually - he always wears that funny shirt'.

So I played along and was the chaplain for the rest of day; I told them there's nothing up / out there and that they should read some Voltaire.

Ok, no I didn't - I just admitted I wasn't the chaplain, but one can dream.


The implication is that knocking around West London at the time was not only a vicar who supported QPR (likely enough) but who used to wear the away kit while going about his professional duties, which I consider top work.

I like to think the end of the service went something like
"May the Lord be with you"
"And also with you"
"And also with UUURRRRRRRRRRRSSSS!!!!!!
...followed by Hi Ho Silver Lining at full blast on the old church organ
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Biggest con you've done on 15:40 - Jul 8 with 1964 viewsrobith

Biggest con you've done on 14:20 - Jul 8 by Antti_Heinola

Blimey - that was risky. Also a bit odd that they did the op based purely on what you said - you must've been convincing!
They believed Dahl, but when his mum got him home and took him to their family doc, he immediately said there was no way he had appendicitis as his stomach was soft where it should have been harder. They let him stay home for a bit then sent him back! Have a read - great book, even for adults. Funny.


In fairnesswhen i had appendicitis, I asked the surgeon if there weren't any other tests to do before surgery to double check.

He jabbed me in the side again, I yowled, he said "Yep, you've got appendicitis"
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Biggest con you've done on 11:18 - Jul 9 with 1609 viewsjohann28

Biggest con you've done on 14:41 - Jul 8 by CiderwithRsie

The implication is that knocking around West London at the time was not only a vicar who supported QPR (likely enough) but who used to wear the away kit while going about his professional duties, which I consider top work.

I like to think the end of the service went something like
"May the Lord be with you"
"And also with you"
"And also with UUURRRRRRRRRRRSSSS!!!!!!
...followed by Hi Ho Silver Lining at full blast on the old church organ


Yup, quite - for a long time afterwards everyone I saw in the away shirt I thought - could this be THE vicar?

That might well tempt me back to church :)
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Biggest con you've done on 12:52 - Jul 9 with 1516 viewsBrianMcCarthy

Well, there's been so many....

I think the main con job has been the one that led me to being a Quantity Surveyor for thirty years.

For a few years in the 80's I had a weekend job as a labourer, which led to summer jobs as a labourer, which led to one summer holding a staff for the surveyor.

So, when the time came to leave school, I, being still homesick for Ireland, figured I'd get work on the sites so i'd be around Irishmen. But, seeing as I haven't an ounce of talent in my hands, I decided that i better try surveying instead of carpentry.

So, I wrote to 20 firms looking for a job and, it being '88 and there being a boom, most of them asked me for an interview. The first one I went to was Alfred McAlpine. SIR Alfred McAlpine. The Alfred McAlpine of the mile-long boardroom and the beautifully-paneled walls. The first question the big suits sitting opposite me was 'why do you want to be a Quantity Surveyor'. I told them all about my summer jobs holding a staff and laid it on heavy.

"Great answer" they said, but that's not Quantity Surveying. That's Site Surveying"

I'll admit to being shook. For a second.

"So, what's Quantity Surveying then?", I asked.

And then...

"Mind if I take notes"

Well, they spoke for about ten minutes, I wrote it all down, bade them thanks and farewell, and promptly regurgitated their whole spiel at my interview with Taylor Woodrows that afternoon. Verbatim.

"That's an excellent answer" one of them said at one point. "I'd never thought about it like that".

I started a week later. I still hadn't an iota what the job was about.

Thirty years later, I still don't.

"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
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Biggest con you've done on 13:25 - Jul 9 with 1473 viewswombat

Biggest con you've done on 12:52 - Jul 9 by BrianMcCarthy

Well, there's been so many....

I think the main con job has been the one that led me to being a Quantity Surveyor for thirty years.

For a few years in the 80's I had a weekend job as a labourer, which led to summer jobs as a labourer, which led to one summer holding a staff for the surveyor.

So, when the time came to leave school, I, being still homesick for Ireland, figured I'd get work on the sites so i'd be around Irishmen. But, seeing as I haven't an ounce of talent in my hands, I decided that i better try surveying instead of carpentry.

So, I wrote to 20 firms looking for a job and, it being '88 and there being a boom, most of them asked me for an interview. The first one I went to was Alfred McAlpine. SIR Alfred McAlpine. The Alfred McAlpine of the mile-long boardroom and the beautifully-paneled walls. The first question the big suits sitting opposite me was 'why do you want to be a Quantity Surveyor'. I told them all about my summer jobs holding a staff and laid it on heavy.

"Great answer" they said, but that's not Quantity Surveying. That's Site Surveying"

I'll admit to being shook. For a second.

"So, what's Quantity Surveying then?", I asked.

And then...

"Mind if I take notes"

Well, they spoke for about ten minutes, I wrote it all down, bade them thanks and farewell, and promptly regurgitated their whole spiel at my interview with Taylor Woodrows that afternoon. Verbatim.

"That's an excellent answer" one of them said at one point. "I'd never thought about it like that".

I started a week later. I still hadn't an iota what the job was about.

Thirty years later, I still don't.


brian you sound like most of the QS ive ever spoke to

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Biggest con you've done on 13:26 - Jul 9 with 1469 viewsBrianMcCarthy

Biggest con you've done on 13:25 - Jul 9 by wombat

brian you sound like most of the QS ive ever spoke to


Well, obviously I couldn't commit to an answer on that at this moment.

Leave it with me...

"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
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Biggest con you've done on 16:40 - Jul 10 with 1239 viewsFDC

Brian's post has just reminded me of this.

When I found out my wife was pregnant I shat myself, started panicking about our finances and looked for a second job. Not for the first time I was struck by how my PhD makes me uniquely unemployable outside of academia.

In the end I happened upon an advert for private tutors, giving kids extra lessons for their GCSEs at home. I was a postdoc at the time and had never taught anything, but fancied I could do it. Someone I spoke to explained that you go along to the house and introduce yourself, discuss their curriculum and the subjects they are covering each week in school, and make lesson plans accordingly. Basically you stay one lesson ahead of the kid.

So I advertised my services as a science teacher, having not been near a science text book for 25 years.

Before too long I got a bite, and nervously arranged a visit. I turned up at the house and was welcomed by every member of a lovely Indian family: mum, dad, the son, grandma--everyone was there sitting on the sofa beaming at me. I explained that we would need to work out a lesson plan based on what he was learning in school each week. In reality this was so I could learn everything a week before the lesson. The dad explained that actually they didn't want week-by-week support, but rather that his son was struggling in particular with chemistry. The dad asked if I could recommend some reading material for his son. I started to sweat. For some reason I had my laptop with me. I decided to open the lid of my laptop-of-fck-all, perhaps in order hide behind it for a moment. I slowly lowered it again and asked if I could use the toilet.

In the toilet I messaged my wife "It's all gone to shit. I'm hiding in the toilet"
She replied "Lol is there a window you can escape through?"

When I returned to the living room I apologised for coming along under prepared, and that it would be helpful if they could send me details on which topics the son required help with. The dad's smile was starting to slip a bit, but he graciously agreed, but asked if I could help with his son's homework this evening? "Of course" I replied... Surely I could blag a 14 year old's homework?

I slowly walked over to the dining table where the son had his homework spread out in front of him.

"It's the periodic table" he said, watching me closely. "We need to fill in the missing elements and numbers".
"OK" I croaked. "So, this number is to do with electrons -"
"No that's neutrons"

By this point the mask had completely slipped, the son was on to me, I wanted to die and was piss-wet through with sweat. I made my excuses and fled.
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