Nightmare eleven - Column
Saturday, 25th Apr 2020 19:44 by Mel Huckridge
Following his selection of the all time QPR XI last week, Grounds For Divorce author Mel Huckridge went over to the darkside this week with his pick of a worst ever QPR side.
The following are blue and white hooped epic fails. Or failures if English was taught correctly.
Loanees have been not included, Gus Caesar would be the first on many people's lips, along with my personal anti-favourite Robert Taylor up top. Shocking.
Make sure that this article is read after the watershed as the language used will be of the industrial variety, and understandably so.
1 - Derek Richardson 1976-1979
Somewhat unfortunate to be included, but like David Moyes following Alex Ferguson, he was on a hiding to nothing post the mighty Phil Parkes. Having a dodgy mincer is never going to do a keeper any favours along with being thrown in to a relegation threatened team, but he wasn't very good. Ademole Bankole was only given forty five minutes so he doesn't get the number one jersey. This is just as well if he had played any longer, Loftus Road would have seen the record for the most defibrillators in use at any one time.
32 appearances, signed free from Chelsea, sold £50,000 to Sheff Utd
2 – Gary Borrowdale 2008-2013
Flavio Briatore never did take his UEFA Pro-licence coaching badge, lucky for us if this was the standard of professional brought in as was his wont. We'll never quite know why, and how much money changed hands and to whom it went, but what was he doing here? Much like Jermaine Jenas' England caps, I cannot recall a single moment of the 22 appearances he apparently made? Much like his namesake in the TV series M*A*S*H, Gary Burghoff, who played Radar, Borrowdale's tenure in W12 was, Under the Radar.
24 starts, 5 sub appearances, subsequently played for Brighton, Charlton, Carlisle, Barnet and Gillingham.
3 – Jose Bosingwa 2012-13
It's not often that a double Champions League winner decides to sign for your team. It's also not often that I call someone a monobrowed MF but it has to be said. Take the money and run, actually, don't bother running just take the money. One would think that with all those millions fraudulently earnt, at least a small percentage would have gone on an all over facial with trim? Of course, you can't really blame him? Scrabble super agent Kia Joorabchian had his DNA all over the crime scene, which was Mark Hughes office.
23 starts, 1 sub appearance, 1 goal v Walsall in the League Cup
4 – Vic Mobley 1969-1971
A crock. A crock of shit. The then not insignificant sum of fifty five bags was spent/wasted on Victor, but after a handful of games that was it, retirement in his mid-twenties. Clearly records show from his days at Sheffield Wednesday that he could play, yet he had injury problems so he was let go, and we were mugs enough to fall for it. I don't believe it. No I do, it's Rangers after all.
30 starts, 1 sub appearance
5 – Chris Plummer 1994-2003
The nonagenarian Canadian actor of the same name defended the Von Trapp children with far greater intent and more often than our one did from hostile attackers. There may be some truth in the rumour that he was given the treatment table as part of his pay off when he finally departed, the physio used to greet him with, 'Hello Chris, feeling better?'
64 starts, 8 sub, 2 goals, went on to play for Peterborough, Barnet, Bristol Rivers, Grays, Rushden
6 – Karl Henry 2013-2017
Rumours that I hosted a party that rivalled VE day when it was announced that Henry had left the club are wildly under exaggerated. Limited, is the politest way I describe a man who when anchoring the centre of the park could not pass a ball forward, and changed a one two to just a one. Wolves supporters couldn't believe their luck when we took him off their hands, (changes to Black Country accent) 'and you paid for him too?' With eleven KH's on the pitch you may eke out a nil nil but you're never gonna win. Don't bother trying to justify his exclusion from this, I'm not listening.
97 starts, 20 sub apps, 2 goals against Bolton and Bristol City
7 – Brian Williams 1977-1978
The Moorfields outpatient who moonlighted part time as a scout, recommending Brian to us, has since been despatched to Devil's Island, or should have been. Universally it is accepted that he was opposite of talented, inept is being kind. Mike Gatting in a football kit, yet there's no doubt the former England cricket captain was a better player. Incredibly he played a further four hundred plus league games elsewhere. F*****g hopeless.
10 starts, 13 sub appearances, sold to Swindon for £50,000
8 – Vinnie Jones
I wasn't happy when we signed him but I was when he left even if he did receive a large pay off. Proof, if it was ever needed, of that old adage that I've just coined, that anybody can act but not everyone can kick a football. To the best of my knowledge we did not win a single league game in which he featured, and the worst part of it all? His game was based on intimidation, the reason I assume he was signed, yet I can scarcely recall a single instance of any violent behaviour? Football dumbed down before the phrase was in common use.
Eight starts, one sub app, one goal v Huddersfield, W0 D7 L2
9 – Brett Angell
A telephone call Saturday two o'clock Saturday afternoon.
Eight starts, five sub apps, no goals
10 – Stefan Moore
Ian Holloway's comment about Moore that 'he chases paper bags for fun' may well have been accurate but he certainly didn't chase a football with the same vigour. Captaining Villa's youth team to FA Cup victory is one thing, but making it as an adult professional footballer is another. Not up to it. Scared of the ball. I don't think his brother, Luke, was all that either but at least we didn't waste a lucrative contract in finding out. Supermarkets now charge for bags.
21 starts, 21 sub apps, three goals v Sheff Utd, Ipswich and Watford
11 – Tony Scully
On the face of it, Scully had all the attributes of a decent winger, quick feet, pace, direct to the by-line and put the ball into the danger area for one of several on rushing forwards to smash the ball and the rival keeper into the net. Except he never used all of these skills at once. His time with us must be considered his career highlight, he even scored against Palace when their defence decided to go on holiday before the season finished, this simply glosses over how poor he was. Very poor.
24 starts, 22 sub apps, two goals v Oxford and Palace. Played for nine clubs after us including Southend, Barnet, Tamworth and Notts County.
As many as possible, but not these. Other dishonourable mentions go to John Curtis, Ernie Howe, Steve Morrow, Christer Warren, light fingered Arthur Gnohere, Jordon not up to Mutch, wealthier than Croesus - Shaun Wright Phillips, pay off your mortgage Mark Hateley, Dominic Iorfa, Daniel Toszer and many more that I am more happy don't spring to mind for the good of our mental health.
Manager – Paul Hart
No shortage of candidates here. Hart gets the job, being the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time wearing the wrong trousers. The one thing he did right was score the (own) goal that sealed promotion for us in '82. Other reflections could include biggest piss-taker or most manila envelopes accrued over the course of a season. Draw your own conclusions.
Pictures – Action Images
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