Need a result to get your promotion over the line? QPR promise to deliver within ten minutes or your money back.

There were nerves among the massed home ranks at Portman Road on Saturday morning. Furrowed Ipswich brows on the 08.30 from Liverpool Street, concerned Town faces in the ever-growing queue to beat the security at Isaacs. Amidst the pageantry and blue smoke, behind the replica tops and face paint, that niggling doubt Kieran McKenna’s one-win-in-five Blues might have left the door ajar at the worst possible moment. Can he do it, can Andy finally win Wimbledon, for the Queen? The staff at Nigel Farage’s favourite lunch venue gave the guests a free flag to wave to take their minds off it, and wave them they duly did.

There was hope elsewhere. In Bermondsey, where they concoct a final day meltdown more potent than most, Millwall fans dreamed of a first top flight appearance since 1990. A terrific season, led by Steve Gallen’s recruitment, seeking its crowning glory of an automatic promotion spot, for want of a win against relegated Oxford and a favour from their cross-city rivals. In Middlesbrough, where the team’s performances and results a month or so back made this feel like a formality, they clung to the final vestige this could still be salvaged with one more push and an upset in Suffolk.

In the away end, however, there were no nerves, and soon no hope.

A QPR side with nothing to play for, and apparently no way of competing with the division’s better teams even when they did, arrived on their longest winless run of the season. Ipswich had already beaten them 4-1 in the first meeting when there was something riding on it for the R’s, and that got thrown on the pile with a 7-1 loss at Coventry, 4-0 home shellacking by Boro, and 5-0 long night on the dockside in Southampton. Rangers have lost every game against the top five this season bar one. The omens were not promising. If Watford aren’t available, we are the non-union Mexican equivalent.

The best chance of a positive result was offered by the strikers, Richard Kone and Rumarn Burrell, who are genuine success stories for 2025/26. Both, it turned out, were unavailable. First understudy Rayan Kolli was nowhere to be found. Justin Obikwu I’m starting to think of more as an idea than a person, more of a rumour than a tangible thing, a fictitious character rather than a real live boy. They’ve told you they’ve signed a striker, that they’ve spent money, that they’ve shown ambition, but have they? If a bone bruises in the woods and there’s no-one around to hear it, does it make a bruise? Justin Obikwu is whatever you want him to be – a first bluebell of spring, a church chime on a summer breeze, a static shock from a cheap carpet. The one thing he’s not, at the moment, is a footballer, or of any much use to us.

From four good strikers to nil. Just like that, as Tommy Cooper used to say. There are few magicians more adept at disappearing large numbers of grown human men than QPR’s “performance department”, but four at once all in the same position was really quite the finale to a farcical 2025/26 season. Four strikers at the club, all absent, one of whom was signed in January as cover for another who was injured but has since come back and got injured again before his replacement has made a single appearance.

It left Daniel Bennie to plough a lone furrow and, despite putting in his best performance for the club a week ago against Derby, that… did not go well.

Julian Stéphan said to the written media this week the biggest improvement the club could make this summer, over and above any new signings, is getting its best team onto the field more often. The Frenchman says he doesn’t yet know what this group is capable of, because he never sees them together as a group in the first place. Hopefully, this time, the club will listen to its head coach.

The illusion QPR were interested in this game or had any hope of taking anything from it was predictably shattered immediately. If I’m getting the match preview predictions right, it must be really fucking obvious what’s going to happen.

Leif Davis was clean through on goal within the opening 60 seconds and Joe Walsh ran to confront him with a sprawling save. Ipswich liked the look of that, so paid another visit there right away. Kieran Morgan beaten in midfield, George Hirst wide to Philogene, back to Jack Taylor and round to Davis for a low cross which the leaden-footed Jake Clarke-Salter almost put into his own net and Hirst followed in for a goal you’d have scored yourself.

With that under their belts and confidence in the ascendency, the home team really set about their work. Walsh had to save from Philogene as - yet again, in this game, and this season - Rangers’ central midfield collapsed on itself. A first foray down the right had Marcelino Nunez playing in Wes Burns for a cross which Philogene was allowed to bring down on the penalty spot unchallenged. That would have been the second goal but for a desperate block by Mbengue. Time still being counted in seconds at this point.

The loosely contained mayhem would continue. Clarke-Salter, who could offer a tape of this game in evidence for a blue parking badge, gave the ball away. The centre of midfield caved. Ipswich knocked a ball up to Hirst unchallenged, he turned it around the corner for Philogene, and I think he could still be standing there now picking his spot for 2-0 and nobody would have got anywhere near him. Luxury is defined by light and space, and Philogene was having a five-star experience out there.

Two nil after nine minutes, and if we’re being honest with ourselves it really should have been twice that. Bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson. Game over and automatic promotion settled before the time even got into double figures. I’d say sorry Sky, but fuck those guys. I’d say sorry Millwall, but...

Stéphan, who had once again set his team up in a 4-4-2 that seemed to pay scant regard to who we were playing and what their strengths are (Ipswich? Oh , they’re the one with the wingers, right? Probably be fine.), said in the week it would be good for his team to play in a game like this. It didn’t look good to me, I’ve got to be honest. If somebody kicks you in the bollocks 100 times in ten minutes, but then they slow down, is that good news or bad?

It may have escaped your notice while staring headlong into this category five piss hurricane, but QPR actually kicked off. They had the chance to take the sting out of an inevitable early onslaught by keeping the ball for a bit. Now, we know our team doesn’t like possession – it was February 2025 when they last won a game with more of it than the opposition and having not managed it once this season it’ll be August before they get to try again. Still, coming to Ipswich - this Ipswich - and choosing to larrup your kick off straight into touch so they could have the ball on Leif Davis and Jaden Philogene’s side of the pitch is dumb as bricks. You’re deliberately giving the ball, from your kick off, to Davis and Philogene, are you? Have you seen tape? We are through the looking glass here people. Ipswich should have scored within the opening minute from that throw in, and did after three, both moves down that side, involving those two players, who we’d chosen to hand the ball to. I’d love to know who does our opposition scouting.

Presented with another chance to kick off after four minutes, this time Ilias Chair tried to do exactly the same thing, to exactly the same side, only this time he missed the fairly sizeable target of the Cobbold Stand and accidentally (one presumes/hopes) kicked it out for a goal kick instead. Ipswich should have scored again within two minutes of that and had within five. A strategy as thick as a whale omelette.

This sums up present-day QPR for me. They think they’re incredibly clever, innovative, forward thinking. Everybody’s got a Jake Humphrey job title. There’s a lot of talk of game models, player trading models. Mike has “re-written our speed model”. It’s all designed to make them sound brilliant, like they know what they’re doing, and us lot in the away end are just beered up idiots who don’t understand the sport. It’s a trick that only sustains as long as it takes it to be exposed to an opponent like Kieran McKenna’s Ipswich.

There is no original thought here. Data and analytics-led recruitment is what’s happening down the road at Brentford. When you ask why another season has been derailed by injuries, you’re told that our injuries are in line with the rest of the division according to a report from the EFL which you’re not allowed to see because she goes to another school. When you ask why we’re hiking kids season ticket prices by hundreds of pounds during an economic squeeze and while finishing in the bottom half again, you’re told it brings us in line with the rest of the Championship. When you ask why we’re jettisoning all the experience out of the squad, resulting in one situation after another exactly like this where we’re just not mentally or physically equipped to cope with an opponent that goes through the gears and asks us to go with them, you’re told that we’ve studied teams that have had success in the Championship and a young average age was one of the data points. Not revealing contract lengths? “Other Championship clubs are doing it”. Keeping injury details a secret? “Other Championship clubs are doing it”. He made me, she made me.

It’s always “well, they’re doing it over there” without ever stopping to ask whether that’s right for us? Whether it’s actually working for us and producing the desired outcome? Does that work for our club, for our fanbase? Does that work for QPR? Every football club is unique; you can’t boil the whole thing down to an Excel spreadsheet. You can play a style of football at Millwall, West Brom, Stoke, that wouldn’t wash with the supporters at Norwich, Ipswich, West Ham. Managers who are adored at one sort of club are reviled at others – Mick McCarthy, Tony Pulis, Ian Holloway, Russel Martin. You can approach Premier League games in a way at Palace, Brentford, Sunderland, that you’d be crucified for at Everton, Villa, Man Utd. You’ve got to understand a club’s culture, identity, and people.

We are still absolutely adamant that we’re going to go through the palaver of these sodding goal kick routines, despite the fact we don’t have the central midfielders for it, the full backs for it, the centre backs for it, and we certainly don’t have the fucking goalkeepers for it. Every single one of our keepers looks outwardly terrified by having to do this. It produces zero positive outcomes for the team, and it is boring the hole off the supporters. But, we’ve seen other teams do it, and the data says do it, so we’re doing it, and I have to stand there on Saturday and watch Joe Walsh let a ball roll under his foot again, nearly resulting in an own goal from our own goal kick.

And now, because other teams are doing it, because we’ve seen it on the television, because the data says it’s 0.354% more effective than another idea, we’ve decided we’re going to punt our kick offs straight into touch. Wallop, straight into the stand. Problem is, the team on the television is PSG, and the team you're playing here is Ipswich who have a Premier League-standard left side. We’ve done it three times in the final two games of the season, Derby should have scored from it last week, Ipswich scored twice from it this. Truly, virtuoso work with the blowtorch.

In case it wasn’t apparent, I am very much looking forward to the summer. I am sick and tired of standing in away ends feeling this embarrassed.

If I wanted to be a bit fairer, a little bit less game 48/48 jaded, then you’re not going to play many better teams than Ipswich.

So sharp and precise with their passing and in their work, so much better organised and more physically robust than us. Relentless. You look at their central midfield of Matusiwa and Taylor, versus ours of Varane and Morgan, it’s no contest really. This is the level, this is where we have to get to, this is the sort of football any Championship fan would want their team to play. If I wasn’t so mortified by our contribution to it I’d have stood and applauded. They’re a magnificent team in this division, with a generational manager, and they’re deservedly going up automatically.

We didn’t have to make it this easy for them, but they were electric and borderline unplayable in the first ten minutes. If they hadn’t very sportingly called the dogs off thereafter this game would have come with a death toll rather than a final score. They’ve scored seven times against QPR in two games and it could have been twice that. It took until five minutes before half time, when Varane, Mbengue and Vale all had promising shots blocked in quick succession, for there to be any signs of life in the visitors. The home side happily cruised along with engines on idle, and I was grateful to them for that.

On an afternoon of shocks and surprises, Jake Clarke-Salter didn’t make it out for the second half.

Neither, sadly, did Nicolas Madsen. The third player in the final three games who we’ve brought back from a worrying injury and picked in meaningless fixtures only to lose them to another injury again before the end.

The positive was it did bring Paul Smyth into the action and he at least seemed interested in the game and concerned with the outcome of it – in the land of the bald this made him a short king.

Smyth immediately drew a yellow card from our much-loved former charge Darnell Furlong (thrilled to see him heading off to the Premier League), and there should have surely been another yellow shown when the Northern Irishman was carved down in full flight right on the edge of the box having cut a swathe through a startled home defence on a purposeful run from halfway. Gavin Ward, always a punchy appointment for a game like this, seemed to lose track of who’d done it so settled for just the free kick, which Ilias Chair rather pitifully wasted over the top. Soon Smyth was drawing a big save from Walton in the home goal – one of three occasions in the second half where QPR won a corner but Ward came up with a spurious reason to give the decision the other way. Eventually Smyth was booked for offering the official a reading on this. Walton would deny Smyth again before the end, and Ward would later blow full time with the winger in the penalty box preparing to shoot. The game, though, was long since over at that point and, I’ll hold my hands up and be perfectly honest here, I think I was already back at Manningtree by then. You can see the temptation to randomly turn over a tea room on days like this.

Rangers continued to allow their full backs to get totally exposed on both sides of the field all afternoon without corrective action. I’m starting to wonder if that laptop those three spend all game staring at down there is actually showing the snooker. Mbengue’s contribution to this game will be studied by future generations: Philogene drew a good save from Walsh when the Senegalese full back let him walk off his back; Jack Clarke came on from the bench and squared just out of Hirst’s reach after Varane had kindly passed him the ball to begin with, but Mbengue’s tackle on him could well have resulted in a penalty; and then, when he was penalised for a mindless trip on Clarke, Davis’ free kick found O’Shea unmarked at the far post but he headed across goal.

Tylon Smith looked better than he has in previous outings – no penalty conceded here, so that’s progress – and certainly better than the senior pro he replaced. There were some symbolic minutes for Isak Alemayehu and 16-year-old Leon Scarlett from the bench late in the day. Still, a third felt fairly inevitable. When Ronnie Edwards’ attempts to triple-Cruyff-turn himself out of trouble on the edge of his own penalty area (No, Ben!) turned into an elephant on roller-skates act, Ipswich were able to break through with Jack Taylor and score via a Joe Walsh spill straight to sub Kasey McAteer. QPR have now conceded 73 times in the league and 78 overall (1.625 a game). You won’t go far posting numbers like that.

Ultimately, a QPR team with Burrell and Kone both in double figures up front has finished in exactly the same position it did last year when the strikers were Michi Frey, Zan Celar and Alfie Lloyd. It’s lost more games than it did last season, lost more home games, conceded more goals, won two of its final 15 away games, six of its final 25 matches anywhere, and finished the campaign winless in six and with four straight defeats. It’s the first time in club history we’ve finished with four league losses in a row. Leicester have gone down losing fewer, only Sheff Wed have conceded more goals, only Sheff Wed have lost more in 2026.

Right, that’s lunch.

Links >>> Ratings and Reports >>> Message Board Match Thread

Ipswich: Walton 7; Furlong 7, O’Shea 7, Greaves 7, Davis 8; Matusiwa 7, Taylor 8 (Neil 86, -); Burns 7 (McAteer 63, 7), Nunez 7 (Mehmeti 71, 6), Philogene 9 (Clarke 62, 7); Hirst 8 (Azon 70, 7)

Subs not used: Akpom, Johnson, Kipre, Palmer

Goals: Hirst 3 (assisted Davis), Philogene 9 (assisted Hirst), McAteer 85 (assisted Taylor)

QPR: Walsh 5; Mbengue 3, Edwards 4, Clarke-Salter 4 (Smith 46, 6), Norrington-Davies 4; Vale 5, Varane 4, Morgan 4 (Alemayehu 80, -), Chair 4 (Saito 62, 5); Madsen 5 (Smyth 46, 7), Bennie 3 (Scarlett 85, -)

Subs not used: Adamson, Hayden, Esquerdinha, Salamon

Yellow Cards: Smyth 79 (dissent)

QPR Star Man – Paul Smyth 7 Appeared to be interested in the outcome of the game.

Referee – Gavin Ward (Surrey) 4 Absolutely no business at all refereeing an end of season game with a lot riding on it. There was plenty of Bristol City v Stoke for him to lend his abilities to on Saturday’s list, it’s concerning somebody somewhere rates him for a fixture like this.

Attendance – 29,636 (1,749 QPR) That’ll be £43 please.

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