The pros and cons, winners and losers, and redemption arcs from a bizarre QPR season in which goals flowed at both ends except for the times they didn’t - message board regular Dorse gives us his highlights and lowlights from 25/26.

As we go into a summer of US Soccerball, which I am reliably informed will be very beautiful, the best FIFA Soccer Planet Bowl in history, like nothing you’ve ever seen, terrific, really great etc, it is a time of quiet reflection for the care-worn denizens of the People’s Republic of Shepherd’s Bush. It is time to pack away the train timetables, book ourselves into our annual six weeks of rehab and prepare once more to reveal parts of our bodies that should never truly be exposed to public scrutiny. ‘What are those two horrible, pale hairy things sticking out of that man’s shorts Mummy?’ ‘Those are his legs dear…’

Harsh but I’ve had worse reviews.

Anyway, like double-headed Janus (giggetty) it is a time to both reflect on the season that was and look forward to the season yet to come.

When we lost Marti a year ago, I was pretty unimpressed. In my opinion, he’d made a positive impact in fairly straightened circumstances, so to lose him at that point seemed counter-intuitive. Julien Stéphan’s appointment was greeted with a round of indifference and, after Coventry away, I think a lot of people could be described as non-plussed at best. What won me round, however, was his refusal to blame circumstances or make ‘Sorry, I’m new here’-type noises in favour of simply saying that next week will be completely different.

And lo, it came to pass: specifically, pass directly and pass forwards. Out went the interminable turgid pissball at the back and in came 442. It was a breath of fresh air, and not the sort experienced shortly after you’ve just set up the tent and the neighbouring farmer decides now is the time to spend eight hours muckspreading on the other side of the hedge. If he achieves nothing else at QPR, Julien has shown that, sometimes, football is simpler than we’ve been making it.

The general script for a QPR season over the past few years has been thus: get the pre-season wrong, have no fullbacks, make an iffy start to the campaign, exit the League Cup in the most humiliating way possible, end up in the bottom three, recover briefly by going on a decent run, exit the FA Cup in the most humiliating way possible, injure all playmakers and strikers, middle order collapse / long losing streak, before finally throwing everything not nailed down at trying to reach 16th with a game or two to go. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. This season, however, it seems the club has decided to try something different: ‘Lads, I’ve been looking at the rules and it says here that we ARE allowed to get to 50 points before May…’ I mean, who knew?

Despite attempts to bugger up the season and treating cup competitions in a way similar to being forced to have Christmas lunch with purple-faced relatives who always seem to ‘just want to have a sensible conversation about immigration’ etc, we seem to have stumbled onto something positive.

League position is improved, we’ve taken more points than any time since Warburton left in 2022 and have scored more too. Alright, our form is still as streaky as a dare-devil’s underpants, we can’t stop conceding and still ended up exactly where we were last season but this is still progress of sorts.

A lot of this was down to the way Stéphan set up the team but, equally, we shouldn’t ignore the areas of recruitment that the club got right. The ‘sign a fucking striker’ brigade cannot have been upset with the red meat provided in the shape of Kone and Burrell. By the same token, bringing Ronnie Edwards home to meet our mum will definitely have gone down well. Confusion over strange new feelings alert. Other signings might not get as much outright love but they have all made contributions this season.

Some players, however, have struggled with ‘the difficult second album’ this season and I would contend that none exemplify this more than Koki Saito.

Now, as we are all aware, when the Samba rhythm starts to play, we expect to be variously inspired by Saito’s progression down the wing to dance, sway and even sing. Trouble is, much of the dancing has recently been replaced by anxious shuffling, the swaying is more like the effects of a minor head injury and many of the songs now seem to begin with ‘Ah, for fuck’s sake…’ Don’t get me wrong – I genuinely rate Koki, so it hurts to see his form collapse like this. He has shown how he can change games and has three goals this season from far fewer minutes, including a couple of absolute belters, but we don’t seem to be seeing the best of him. In fairness, you could probably say the same of Jon Varane and Kaddy Dembele this season: all three of them have shown they are absolutely capable of ripping it up in this league. If I had to characterise it, it appears they are second-guessing their decisions. It’s not an ability issue: relax and play your game fellas. We’re on your side!

In contrast, there are those for whom this season has been either a renaissance or a break-through, depending on your point of view. No-one could not have watched the Millwall away game without noting the complete step-change that came from Nico Madsen returning from an injury lay-off. Instinctive, positive, one-touch passing that gave us control in the midfield and allowed us to progress in wide areas and set runners free. And it wasn’t a surprise either: since Charlton at home back in the autumn that is what Nico has brought to the side. At time of writing, he sits on six assists and three oals and was deservedly Player of the Year. What impresses me is the way he receives the ball under all sorts of pressure and is able to get it away to a colleague so quickly he breaks the lines simply through speed of thought. The change to a more direct / positive 442 just seems to suit Madsen: he affects the game so much more than last season. Said it before and I’ll say it again: I have never been so happy to have been wrong about a player. Shows what I know, right?

Stéphan’s use of inverted wingers has also brought the best out of Harvey Vale (four goals; 11 LFW assists) and Paul Smyth (six goals; three assists), both of whom seem to be loving life in W12 at the moment. And as for Jimmy Dunne, he’s approaching being irreplaceable at both ends of the pitch.

So, a season of wild swings of form, televised gob-bummings, 73 goals conceded, an injury list as long as a Lord of the Rings marathon, 900 yellow cards for Mad Ben (‘He’s in your head….’), away kits that induce vomiting (just give us the fcking Feyenoord one!!) and a variety of keepers that have shaved a collective eight years off my life due to raging alcoholism. Me, I mean, not them. And yet, somehow, we’ve managed to do slightly better than usual, playing football on the front foot (a bit).

What can we look forward to next season? This is QPR: expect something between anything and nothing. With that in mind, I have broken out my Fisher Price Child’s First Altar of DiabolismTM and, under a waning moon, sacrificed three Bernard Matthews Turkey Dinosaurs. After consulting my dictionary of haruspexy to read the augurs for next season, I can confirm the following: I know fck all and have just wasted good money on a new hooded cape.

Alright, if I can’t say what to expect then what do I want? Archimedes is quoted as saying ‘give me a lever long enough and fulcrum on which to place it and I shall move the world’. What I want is a good pre-season and start to the campaign to be the fulcrum against which we can leverage our season. All too often, we start slowly and are handicapped by this when we get to the fixture pile ups around Christmas. It’s not rocket science. Points in the bank offer us breathing space when things get tough. Give us a good start and just see where this takes us. The other thing I would dearly love to see is something Julien referenced in a recent interview with Dave McIntyre on West London Sport: more players available more of the time. I honestly thought we’d been rebranded as ‘Injury Hit QPR’ this season. Half the squad out with exploding hamstrings. Only club in the Championship with a stairlift and walk-in baths for the first team. Look, we needed to score more goals and points than last season simply to stand still: something needs to change.

As for the rest of it? I am not someone who thinks the answer is to sign, sign and sign again. Unless, of course, that sign is ‘wanker’ and aimed at that shower of bastards from North Battersea. We’ve done the ‘Hutz Gambit’ to death already: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. It didn't work when we had money in the Premiership, and it certainly won't help now we're pot-less.

So, to wind this up, despite ending up exactly where we finished last term, I still feel like we have made progress this season, even though QPR still manages to boil my piss with performances like Coventry, Southampton and Millwall away. We have definitely improved up front and out wide: those hard yards mean less to do over the Summer. With the Play Offs being extended for 2026-27, there may be more for us mid-table wallahs to aim for, if we can build on this year’s strengths and address our already identified weaknesses. Jam tomorrow, everyone!

Now go and get your legs out. You earned it.

UR’s!

More by this author >>> The death of Pep-ball – are QPR finally on trend? >>> The Final Countdown

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