Bosh brings you the news on the new crest, new chant, new mascot and new South Africa Road Stand that the club didn't want you to hear.

As Rangers secured another year in the nearly top flight next season the new club badge was leaked via message boards around the country. A spokesman for the club announced. “We wanted something proud, something grand and something that reminded the owners of Mussolini. We think we have achieved that and all that we are hoping to add before we finalize it is a little tank.”

With the R’s sweeping aside Carlton Your Door Man ‘do not disturb’ Not So Athletic last weekend and heading on towards the sanctuary of being about as mid table as it is possible to be without being a hot plate, attentions have been turned to next season where, according to the papers, Rangers are about to be rewarded with a 50 billion pound war chest. Almost certainly enough to buy Ronaldo from Manchester United and get Stefan Moore back to boot. With every living species, nopeds, unipeds, bipeds, quadrupeds and hexapods mentioned on the wish list R’s fans will wait with baited breath to see what the side looks like next year. Most will be able to do this from the comfort of their armchair as plans were also revealed this week showing that the South Africa Road stand will be redeveloped as an exclusive boutique for the super rich.

Rangers supremo Fabio Bringadooray hailed the plans today saying “This will open the door to some extremely wealthy people who will spend top dollar to come and watch football of the very highest class next season.” Fab also revealed that to do this the entire stand would be turned around to face the Arsenal.

Speculation has also been rife about the new mascot character and whether or not Ernie Beckleston will be able to fit in to the costume? “He’s gone for fitting,” admitted Fab. “We’ve gone for something of a badger design because it didn’t really mean we had to put Ernie in a costume at all. I think the kids will like the idea of a small elderly badger wearing glasses and we have made moves with the countryside alliance to make sure he doesn’t end up getting culled this Summer.”

Meanwhile Rangers crock Roman Vineyard continues to recover from having the direction of his left leg reversed. “Wino has already been on the exercise bike,” a reliable tomato source in the physio room revealed. “Due to the severity of the break he is cycling in circles at the moment but once we do get that foot round the right way it will all be down hill for him.”

Other congratulations have been pouring in for QPR right-sided midfielder Kerrang Lee, who has entered the Guinness book of world Records for successfully becoming the only player in football history to have less chance of playing in a game than any supporter in the ground or online. Kerrang was due to pick up the award at a prestigious lunch ceremony today but unfortunately found himself sitting in the car in the car park whilst one of the other first teamers went in to pick it up for him. Meanwhile there is something of a queue of teams eagerly waiting to give the lad a chance not to play for them either next season.

With Gnasher Crazyworth continuing his stint as unofficial coach some people have been asking if someone without any technical coaching qualifications should be allowed in the technical area? As someone quite rightly observed “It’s never stopped Steve McClaren.” Gnasher has however found a way around the rule and has galvanized the lads through the last ten minutes of matches recently by cranking up his Gibson Interceptor to a stack of Marshall amps (turned all the way up to 11) and playing a guitar solo of Pigbag until the final whistle, which usually comes around in the 97th minute.

Finally defender Fritz Hallway admitted that he is behind the curious A fingers celebration being exercised by scoring players up and down the country. “Yes, it is my invention,” Hallway confessed. “Although it has been rather annoying watching players on the other side doing it against us with the last kick of the game.” Asked what the pay off for this A campaign was, the central defender said “It’s obvious, at the end of the season we are going to reform the A-Team. Next season you’ll see us doing a T celebration, a Face celebration, a mad M and a celebration where we pretend to eat each other. That will be the Hannibal special.”

And there I was thinking that Sesame Street sponsored the league and that today’s match was brought to me by the letter A!

Bosh Times

Photo: Action Images

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