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Chelsea fan being a knob on the tube
at 20:22 28 Jul 2019

This raised a smile:



"Footy Chantz", though; ffs.
[Post edited 28 Jul 20:23]
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Posting images in posts - why can't I do it any more?
at 21:08 17 May 2019

For the love of God, someone please put me out of my misery. I used to be able to save an image to my desktop and then upload it to tinypic.com. I would then post that link in a LFW thread and the image would appear alongside the text...that doesn't work anymore.

Anyone out there able to point me in the right direction? Ta!
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Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages
at 16:17 2 May 2019

Following extensive, tasteful and sensitive renovations to our Victorian terrace in Bristol’s equivalent to Crouch End circa 1995, we have officially run out of money. We need about £40,000 to install a new kitchen and make structural changes to the kitchen and breakfast room. Rather than go down the traditional route of saving-up, borrowing the money or going on the game, I have instead put together a collection of exiting match day hospitality packages.

Living a hop, skip and a jump from Bristol City’s Ashton Gate stadium, we’re ideally placed to offer a full range of superb pre and post-match hospitality for away fans visiting BS3.

What do you get for your money?

£1k donation: Whenever QPR play Bristol City away, you can come round my house for a few pre-match beers/ciders (maximum 4 per person) and an M&S sourced buffet to the value of approximately £10 per head.

£3k donation: As above, but in addition, you can come round our house AFTER the game, watch the results be read out on the BBC, drink up to 4 alcoholic drinks, and eat crisps with me until 7pm, when you must leave.

£5k donation: as per the £3k package, but you can stay until 9pm and we will organize a take-away of your choice to the value of £20 per person. Members of the 5K club will also be welcomed by a Prosecco reception and driven back to Templemeads in time for the last train as long as my wife hasn’t had a drink at that point (which is fu king unlikely).

£10k donation: as per the £5k package, but in addition, you can use the downstairs loo for a number two, manage the tv remote control and go through my underwear drawer like a dog on heat.

Paying for the whole kitchen: as per the £10k package, but in addition, you will be met off the train by my wife, wan ked-off by me in the downstairs loo after Football Focus, wan ked-off by me in the park across the road from Ashton Gate after the game, and put up overnight in our tastefully appointed guest room. In the morning, you will be given some Shreddies and driven to Templemeads by my wife, as long as she’s not too hungover.

Please contact me directly for further information. We hope to see some of you next season.


- [ ]
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Declan Rice - having a 'mare
at 06:59 22 Mar 2019

https://www.theguardian.com/football/2019/mar/21/declan-rice-apologises-ira-soci

“I am aware a poorly expressed comment I made when I was a junior player has been circulated on social media,” said Rice, who was named Ireland’s young player of the year last week. “I recognise now that my attempt to show support for my teammates at the time could be negatively interpreted. While my naive words were not meant to be a political opinion and do not represent who I am, I sincerely apologise for any offence caused.”

I love this bit - "my attempt to show support for my teammates at the time could be negatively interpreted". Good luck with that one son. I know the FA and his agents will probably get him to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph, re-point the Derry walls, undertake a black cab 'Troubles' tour of Belfast and release a dozen doves into Sammy Wilson's back garden, but I just can't see this going down very well with the England support or public. Given Andy Murray still gets dogs abuse for joking about a Paraguay shirt in about 1952, poor old Declan should prepare himself for the worse.

This is why you shouldn't be allowed on Twitter until you're 65 - and only then when accompanied by a panel of grown-ups and a lawyer.
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Karl Lagerfeld - RIP
at 14:02 19 Feb 2019

RIP Karl. Massive Fulham fan and could often be seen at places like Chesterfield, Hartlepool and Wrexham when we were struggling in the lower divisions. The first time I chatted to him was in the buffet car on the way back from Walsall. This German bloke asked me if he could look at my programme and it was a few minutes before I was able to put a name to the face. Turns out that as a young boy growing-up in Hamburg, he'd fallen in love with the simple monochromatic elegance of the Fulham kit. He was wearing his distinctive uniform of white shirt, black tie, black jacket, trousers, fingerless gloves and sunglasses, but when I looked closer I saw his shirt was actually a replica of our '75 Cup final shirt. Only he could pull that off.

A standout memory is Hadjuk Split away in 2002 - amongst the various flags tied to the fences was one that simply said 'FULHAM IS FASHION - FASHION IS FULHAM". Classic Karl.

Karl used to drink in the Chancellors before and after games and will be sorely missed by all the regulars. Auf Wiedersehen, mein freund.



[Post edited 19 Feb 14:21]
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Bristol City away - extraordinary local insight and pre-match reporting
at 10:26 12 Feb 2019

I noted that there wasn't an official match preview as of yet, so seeing as I'm sat in waiting for a mattress to be delivered, I thought I'd put one together for you.

OPPOSITION VIEW:

I live a five minute walk from Ashton Gate. Steve, who lives two doors down from me, is a City season-ticket holder. He was leaving home at the same time as me this morning, so I took the opportunity to gauge his thoughts ahead of tonight's game:

Me: Morning Steve, Fancy your chances tonight?

Steve: Yeah.

So, City fans in confident mood.

I took the picture below at 08:05 as I was returning from dropping my son at Nursery. We can all agree, it sets the scene beautifully, but for some weird reason, I cant get the fu cker to rotate. As you can see, a nice day, if a little fresh. Clarks pies were making a delivery as we passed.



Pubs: Loads of decent spots for a beer/cider on North Street, although I'm not sure how away-friendly most are and other than the Tobacco Factory, I'd probably avoid colours if you want to drink on North Street. If you're a small group, enjoy your beer/cider and old school boozers, then I'd probably go with The Merchants in Hotwells (V small, though), The Nova Scotia at Cumberland Basin (a two minute walk from The Merchants) or The Orchard round the corner from the SS Great Britain - this is a principally a cider house, but does decent ales too. If you like drinking on boats before midweek games, then the Bristol Beer Factory brewery have the Grain Barge, which is a nice spot and about a five minutes walk max from the Merchants. Friendly Records on North Street now have a bar next door, and that's a nice spot for listening to a bit of vinyl with a beer. Can't imagine they operate any sort of home fans only policy. Ditto the Bristol Beer Factory Tap Room on North Street, which is a five minute walk to the ground.

I'd invite you all round mine for a bit of tea, a few beers and some cbeebies before the game, but we're going into town to meet my sister-in-law for dinner. Enjoy the game.
[Post edited 12 Feb 10:27]
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What were you scared of as a kid?
at 16:20 5 Dec 2018

My 4 year old son has developed a fear of foxes. No idea why. It might be Mr Todd from Peter Rabbit, but he watches that quite happily, so I'm not sure. I've explained that foxes are scared of humans, smaller than him, can't open doors/windows, don't have a set of our keys etc, but he's not convinced. So every night, he's now hiding under his duvet. Being a clever t wat, I went on YouTube and showed him a video of some bloke who's tamed a number of foxes, he was rolling round with them, stroking them etc; see, they're not scary. I thought this would do the job, but my son perceptively pointed out that the foxes in the video didn't look very scared of humans, so they may well sneak into his bedroom after all. Balls.

I'm not sure how to crack this one, and I don't want him to be anxious/scared. Until the fox thing, we'd be doing fine. As a kid, I was scared of dinosaurs because I wasn't entirely convinced they were extinct and when I asked my Mum, she just said there may well be dinosaurs out there somewhere, but we'd probably hear them in time to run away. Cheers.

I was then completely paranoid about nuclear war from about six to eleven, and used to get seriously stressed out about being away from my family when the four minute warning was sounded. And I wasn't convinced we even had a siren round our way, which didn't help either. My best case scenario, was us having just got home from the Chippy, sat round the table with my Nan and Grandad, most of the way through my scampi and chips and the bomb being dropped. And I'm an optimist by nature. This stressed me out because we only had fish and chips on a Friday, so I was relying on the Soviets bombing us on a Friday at about 5pm. Getting during school swimming or something would have been rubbish.

Running alongside my constant fear of nuclear holocaust for a couple of years was a fear of werewolves, which lasted until I was about ten, having seen the 'Thriller' video and watched bits of 'An American werewolf in London' from behind a cushion round my mate's house. I used to check the lunar cycle in my Mum's diary to make sure I was at home on Full moons, and for a short time, because I shared a room with my brother, I would try and stay awake as long as possible to make sure he wasn't a werewolf. Which thankfully, he wasn't. I was even scared of 'Manimal' FFS!

Was I just a massive bed wetter as a kid, or did everyone else worry about nuclear war, dinosaurs and sharing bunks with a werewolf? I was also scared of the Muppets, Dr Who and Star Trek. I'm hoping my son has a less anxious time, but he'll probably inherit his Mum's fear of balloons, dogs and fireworks. What were you scared of as a kid?
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QPR v Derby tickets - 6th October
at 12:53 29 Aug 2018

My Dutch mate is bringing his Father-in-law across to London for his 60th birthday and given the choice of going anywhere in town, he's said he'd like to watch Rangers. They're after 5 tickets together; what do you reckon the chances of them finding 5 together will be if they wait until General sale? It's the Father-in-law's 1st ever game in the UK, so where do you reckon is best for view/legroom? I've sat in all four stands and I reckon legroom's not happening, but from memory the SAR was probably best for view and staying dry...or am I wrong?

Any help would be much appreciated. I'll be sending them to the Crown before the game. Cheers, Konk
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John Terry’s armband
at 23:13 12 May 2018

Watching ten minutes of Boro v Villa, I was surprised - but shouldn’t have been - to see John fuc king Terry wearing what looked distinctly like his old Chelsea captain’s armband, which being royal blue and white, has no relevance to Villa, but is the right colours for their main rivals; Blues. Either he’s taken his old armband with him or he’s taken a photo of the old one along to a tailor he knows, and had then knock up a copy. He’ll probably be wearing it over his coat when he’s 80 years old and popping out to nick a pint of milk. Either way, why not just go the whole hog and wear a full Chelsea kit in future, you twa t.
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Unwanted birthday presents/Red cords for sale
at 21:25 22 Nov 2017

We were back in town last week and I took my son to see his old childminder and her Mum, who is like a 3rd Nan to him. Lovely, wonderful people, and with my son's 3rd birthday coming up, they'd very thoughtfully been out and bought him some presents, amongst which were a pair of red fu cking cords. Red fu cking cords. I'm gonna put this down to them being Bulgarian rather than taking it as some dig at us being a Fulham supporting family, but a little bit of me thinks that they might have been having a pop. They included the receipt, so I think we might have to put it down to a sizing issue, but they are almost certainly going back to the shop. Social signals aside, red's a very difficult colour to wear with fair colouring. What were they thinking?
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John Terry's house screwed
at 09:52 28 Jul 2017

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/07/27/designer-goods-worth-400000-stolen-jo

"Mum, listen, calm down: I'm not accusing you of anything, but what were you doing on the evening of 25th February?".
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Celebrity picnics
at 11:18 10 Jul 2017

Is anyone else having problems with celebrity picnickers gravitating towards them when you’re out enjoying the sunshine with family and friends? Last weekend, we were having a picnic on Parliament Hill, when we became aware that Louis Theroux and family had pitched camp only a few feet away from us. Not only that, but they were then joined by Peter Serafinowicz, his wife Sarah Alexander and their children. They were then joined by James Delaney and his family. At this point, it was getting out of hand; is this the most celebrities ever to gather around a picnic blanket? The relevance of this? One of Louis Theroux’s sons was wearing a QPR away shirt – respect for supporting his local team.

Then, yesterday, we were up at Highgate Woods and it became apparent that Meera Syall and Sanjeev Bhaskar were hosting some sort of celebrations with a vast number of family and friends – right next to where we were sat. I should note that I was not a fan of Bhaskar’s ¾ length Adidas trackie bottoms. No-one was wearing a Rangers shirt.

Which people off the telly have you picnicked with this Summer?

PS. Whilst spending the day with the Syall/Bhaskar party, I was playing football with my 2 ½ year old son and rather than him just picking the ball up and running off, he finally got the concept of passing - tidy feet and great vision - used both feet without prompting too - and he asked me, “Which team do you like, Daddy?”, I said, “I like Fulham”, and he said, “I like Fulham too”. I was genuinely quite teary. This is a very important development as when I finish work in a couple of weeks, my wife is going to be giving me pocket money, and Fulham tickets and travel are meant to be coming out of that. However, now that my son officially supports Fulham, I can take him to games and secure funding from the Family bank account. Bingo. Chuffed to bits.
[Post edited 10 Jul 2017 11:34]
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Fulham penalty miss predictions
at 12:22 22 Jun 2017

How many penalties will Fulham manage to fu ck-up against Rangers next season?

I’m going for two in the game at your place and fourteen at the Cottage.

Obviously we’ll miss Chris Martin, but hopefully the Analytics team at the Club have been crunching the data and already identified some potential signings who are absolute dogsh it at penalties. If we can sign the right player, then I reckon we could well fu ck-up 20+ pens over the course of the season. It’s a new season – we need to aim high. And wide. Or stick it close to the keeper.

COYW.
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Bumping into people in town
at 08:58 25 May 2017

I’ve just popped out to get some breakfast and bumped into a woman I worked with 15 years ago – funnily enough, probably the only colleague I’ve really disliked in my entire working life. All a bit awkward as I was pretending I hadn’t clocked her, but she shouted my name out whilst stood about a foot a way from me and I had no option but to feign pleasant surprise. We had to have a long chat about what we’d been doing for the past 15 years. She’s still a tw at, by the way. Anyhow, this got me thinking: I’m in my mid-40’s, and despite spending the working day/evenings and most weekends in town, I reckon that in my whole life, I’ve only ever randomly bumped into 3 people I know in Central London - one was one of my brothers in Rough trade, Covent Garden, another was a former colleague that ended up with a brilliant all-dayer in Soho and the other was today. However, I’ve twice been on a flight and bumped into a former neighbour. What are the chances of that, eh. So, am I just wandering round town completely oblivious to what’s going on around me, are people hiding behind cars when they see me walking down the street or is Central London some weird place where you never spot people you know?

How often do you bump into people when you're out an about? (And yes, I know this a seriously fu cking dull thread, but I'm genuinely interested in other people's experiences)
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Modern football is great - we've got a gin bar!
at 15:06 7 Dec 2016

http://www.fulhamfc.com/news/2016/december/07/the-clubhouse-opened

If you want me on a match day, you’ll find me at the Clubhouse drinking cocktails in a sophisticated environment where the subtle lighting evokes the atmosphere of an operating theatre, the polystyrene ceiling tiles, sprinklers and A/C grills pay tribute to the sort of airless room in which you might find yourself attending an IT security course, and where the chrome barstools with white leather cushioning nod knowingly to the trendy cocktail bars of post-Soviet Moscow.





This is exactly what the Cottage has been crying out for, these past 120 years. A brightly lit room where people can drink cocktails under a low polystyrene ceiling. Like drinking on a spaceship.
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Gordon Taylor - grafting away for buttons.
at 10:15 5 Dec 2016

Gordon Taylor – I got angry enough thinking about him when I thought he was earning £1m pa, but it turns out he’s actually now being paid £3m+pa. I can put up with scheduling of fixtures at 4am on a Monday morning at two day’s notice, I can forgive my club once paying Darren Bent £55kpw, I can overlook ridiculously expensive ticket prices, club’s introducing eighteen new kits every season and trying to sell me warm bloody Carlsberg at £4.50 a pop; I have even come to terms with the fact that John Terry captained England, but Gordon Taylor on THREE FU CKING MILLION POUNDS A FU CKING YEAR may well be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Football – you’re a cu nt at times.

I thought I was taking the absolute pis s, fannying about all day in return for my salary; I’m now beginning to feel shockingly underpaid. I’ve got my appraisal tomorrow and I’m going to be raising Gordon Taylor’s salary with my manager. If my son ever becomes a professional footballer, I’ll encourage him to retire at twenty-four, get himself a role at the PFA and by the time he’s fifty, he’ll probably be the Trade Union movement’s first £1m a week administrator. Having said that, Gordon Taylor will probably go on for longer than the Queen – there’s no way that cun t will ever walk away from what has to be the most obscenely overpaid job in the universe. He’ll be like El Cid, with his family sending him into work strapped into a wheelchair, thirty years after his death. If I ever see him down at Fulham, I am definitely pinging my clapper at his napper.

https://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/jul/28/gordon-taylor-pfa-chief-executi

How did I miss this story? Was I on holiday? Did my mind just shut down halfway through in an act of self-preservation? I am fu cking outraged. Genuinely fu cking furious. How did this happen? If he hasn’t resigned by Christmas, I’m going to do a dirty protest on the podium carpet at the next PFA awards. Unbelievable.
[Post edited 5 Dec 2016 10:27]
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Funeral plans
at 08:56 24 Nov 2016

Following on from Boston’s thread about how you would like to die, I got thinking about my funeral arrangements.

I would like to be transported from home by cargo bike, with my coffin propped up at 45 degrees. One last bike ride. The undertaker and I will be dressed in Classic black Rapha cycling jersey, bib shorts and cycling cap with the trademark white stripe in reference to both the tragedy of my death (black) and my enduring love of Fulham (black and white). In the style of motorcycle gang funerals, we will be escorted through the streets of London by a grieving peloton of former Grand tour winners and World champions. On route to the funeral, we will make a slight detour to Paul Smith’s studio on Floral Street, where I will be changed from my cycling gear into a Navy suit, white shirt, Navy tie and black shoes, with pants and socks to be chosen by Paul, himself.

We will then proceed to Westminster Abbey, where friends from the world of showbiz, politics and the Royal family will be allocated five minute slots to deliver their eulogies. Tears and wobbly lips will be mandatory.

From there, my coffin will be carried shoulder high by celebrity pall bearers down to the Thames, where I will be transferred to a full size replica Viking Long ship. We will make our way steadily down the river to the Cottage, at which point, the Long ship will be transferred by crane over the Riverside stand and lowered onto the centre circle.

This part of the day will be open to members of the general public wishing to pay their respects, as well as overseas heads of state and Fulham legends, but it is my dying wish that John Terry and Dennis Wise be violently turned away, should they try and join the celebration of my life. We will borrow the Olympic flame thing they used at the London Olympics to light flaming torches, Big Dan Burn will step forward and throw the first torch onto the Long Ship. Other Fulham legends such a Roy & Ray, Micky Adams and Fabrice Fernandes will join him. This bit will be accompanied by Elton John playing “Candle in the wind” on the piano whilst suspended from a crane in the big Perspex box that David Blaine had down by the London Assembly. It will hopefully be dark at this point and thus more dramatic.

Once I’ve gone up in flames, the grieving masses will be invited to join family and friends at the Chancellors in Hammersmith, where there will be £500 behind the bar, a bit of a spread, Horse racing on the telly and Chas & Dave on the sound system. It should be a good day.

What have you got planned for your send-off?
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Can we have a third penalty please?
at 18:17 1 Oct 2016

Just come out for a comfort break during a Scott Mcgarvey meet and greet in Singapore. Any idea how Fulham got on (I have a son in tears here, you heartless bastards!)
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Relocating to Singapore to take advantage of an unexpected job opportunity
at 13:49 29 Sep 2016

I was chatting to some bloke in the pub last night and he reckons there’s some serious money to be made in football themed public speaking appearances out in the Far-East. He reckons everyone’s at it, but it’s still a new market, so it's now or never for people who went to get in from the beginning.

So, I went home and discussed it with my wife and we’ve both now resigned from our jobs and have booked flights out to Singapore. Having never played the game to a high standard or managed professionally, I’m going to be drawing on my time knocking a ball about down the park with my brothers, six-a-side games over at Canary Wharf, the time I stood behind Gary Mabbutt in a Chinese takeaway as he ordered his food (complete with Gary Mabbutt impersonation), and saving the best for last; the time I met Roy Hodgson and Ray Lewington in a hotel bar, absolutely off my head and spent our time together calling Roy, Ray and Ray, Roy, whilst slumped in a lounge chair trying to appear sober and knowledgeable. That’s £10k straight in the back bin and unlimited access to the buffet and bar – happy days.

In terms of getting up-and-running, does anyone have any idea what the process is for getting signed-up for speaking engagements out there? Is it just a case of plotting up in an Italian restaurant and waiting to be approached? Is there someone I need to ask for once I’m in the Italian Restaurant? Should I wear a tracksuit and Astro turf trainers to signal my availability? Any guidance would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Konk
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Konk


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