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at 14:13 10 Jun 2024

In the future, when you buy a club shirt, you will get a bag of fuzzy felt letters, so you can change the name of your favorite journeyman as the season goes on.

"Colchester United boss Danny Cowley accepts that he will have to try and bring success to the club despite being unable to hang on to their most talented young players"

That's funny, cos in the Gazette it was fantastic business selling our best players?

Cough, coughbullshitcough

[Post edited 10 Jun 14:16]
Col U Bingo
at 14:09 6 Jun 2024

New game for next season, the first person to tick off all of the following wins free away parking for a game of their choice.

“We would have won if it wasn’t for the ref”
“We should have stuck with John McGreal”
“The Farmers are losing 8-0”
“The lino was a disgrace”
“Joe Taylor scored again today”
“The steps are too steep”
“One of these days we are going to thrash some team”
“We just need to find another Parky”
“Braintree are two up at Roots Hall”
“We should never have let Tom Eastman go”
“As long as there’s two teams worse than us”
“I think England could do it this time”

Anyone hearing the following can claim an instant win.

“Anyone got a spare ticket for the play offs”
“I always look forward to a beer at the JCS”
“The pitch is looking good”
What's all the fuss about?
at 10:36 26 Apr 2024

Obviously the unthinkable is not going to happen, but what is it about moving from tier 4 of the pyramid to tier 5 that is so scary?

To a Marsian, it wouldn’t appear any worse than any other relegation, especially as there’s no reselection to worry about these days.

Falling out of the Championship was inevitable, as we were only ever on vacation at those dizzy heights, dropping out of L1 was a kick in the Jacobs, but nothing we couldn’t take in our stride, but the slightest fear of the next drop and it’s like Father Christmas has just suffered life threatening injuries in a sleigh accident.

Next season, anyone playing Oldham, Hartlepool, Rochdale, Yeovil, Halifax, Saarffend etc. could be excused from thinking they are still in the league anyway. We are 25/1 to survive, yet you couldn’t get the proverbial Rizla between my @r$e cheeks (I appreciate that you wouldn’t want to attempt the feat, but that’s irrelevant).

My point is, that whatever happens, there’s no reason to commit Hari Kari, (or Harry Carpenter if you’re a pugilist). They will still sell beer in Wealdstone, it’s still going to rain on Bank Holidays, James C@rd@n will still be a tvvat and there will still be mince pies at xmas.

So for goodness sake just chill out…….

……..aaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!!!!!!
[Post edited 26 Apr 10:37]
Who gives a toss?
at 07:02 25 Apr 2024

Obviously we are going to win on Saturday, but just considering something......

If we lose 0-2 and Sutton win 3-1, I think I’m correct in saying that we would both have 44 points and we would both have a goal difference of -23. Both games between us ended 1-1 and we will have both scored 58 goals.

How do they then decide who stays up? Presumably the toss of a coin? If so, when and by whom?

At least we’ve got a 50% chance of winning a toss-up!

PS there are other scores that give the same scenario, e.g. 0-1 and 3-0, or 1-2 and 4-1 etc.
Just one point, that’s all we ask!!!!!!
at 11:11 23 Apr 2024

Gutted I can’t be there tonight, I'm pumped already. I hope it’s a big crowd, we need the old Layer Road spirit to intimidate Donny.

All together………….

Every Saturday we follow…… the boys in blue and white.
We say it every weekend….. don’t go out tonight.
We used to be the Barside…. but now we’re s##t S1.
We are Col United….. and we’re going to league 1
Allez, Allez, Allez……. Allez, Allez, Allez.

Jim Ratcliffe ran the London Marathon aged 71
at 13:40 22 Apr 2024

That's quite impressive.

Were His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs chasing him?
Time for a Party?
at 13:03 18 Apr 2024

Has anyone got an idea of how many tickets Col U have sold for County? It has the potential to be the biggest away party since Huish Park. The weather is forecast to be sunny intervals!

One more question, assuming the S1 faithful will be heading to Hooters pre-match, morally, how old is too old to drink there? (fortunately I don’t have many morals).

I’ve managed to get another pass for the weekend, so I hope to see a few of you at the ground.

Great to meet Wessex and Noah last week, the latter being the only bloke I know with bigger ‘kippers’ than myself (only by the slightest of margins), so I share concerns about the steps and the Community Stadium being designed for midgets.

Reminds me of the useless careers teacher at the Gilberd, who took one look at my super-sized ‘plates’ and asked if I’d ever considered joining the police! I can’t remember if I said F##K OFF out loud, but I think he could tell I wasn’t impressed. To put it into context, punk was at it’s height at the time, so the straight and narrow didn’t align with the mood of the youff.

Whilst feet are the only appendage that I will be comparing with Noah, I can confirm that I too have been asked a 1001 times by ladies ‘if it’s true what they say about men with big feet’. If you asked Mrs TOOT to describe me, I’m sure no one would be surprised if the words ‘Massive C@ck’ were included in her response.
How the other half live!
at 10:02 17 Apr 2024

For anyone interested, this is how a modern pitch is constructed, when there's a decent budget.

[Post edited 17 Apr 10:07]
Oh Dear, Never Mind
at 19:50 7 Apr 2024

Good to see Wyscum losing at Wembley in injury time, in the Chuckaturd, Paint Pot, Papa Bristols, Sheild, Cup, Prem Reserves, Waste Off Time, Trophy thing.

Let’s hope they get expelled from the league for wearing that disgraceful non-league strip.

Form is temporary, class is permanent.
[Post edited 7 Apr 19:54]
On a Scale of 1 to 10
at 13:59 21 Mar 2024

How shit is this

Where 1 is - that’s a very good use of public money and looks just like him

…and 10 is - are you ####ing serious

Ms Best added she hoped it would "inspire young and old alike that whatever your dream, big or small, you can achieve it"

Well, they truly are the words of a prize idiot.

If that’s true Emma, why haven’t I won the lottery, why haven’t I scored a goal in the world cup, why haven’t I taken 10-52 at Lords, why haven’t I shagged Cameron Diaz?

All ‘arry had to do was dream? It’s not like he was born gifted was it Emma.
[Post edited 21 Mar 14:23]
at 11:24 18 Mar 2024

Revised Fixture List
at 12:20 12 Mar 2024

23rd March 12:30 KO Mansfield (A)
1st April 15:00 KO Tranmere (A)
13th April 15:00 KO Crawley (A)
20th April 15:00 KO Notts County (A)
27th April 03:00 KO Donny (H)
27th April 05:00 KO Walsall (H)
27th April 07:00 KO Newport (H)
27th April 09:00 KO Hollywood FC (H)
27th April 11:00 KO Stockport (H)
27th April 13:00 KO Grimsby (H)
27th April 15:00 KO Crewe (H)

The club would also like to advice the public that the Taylor Swift concert planned for July has been postponed. There will be in its place, a Topless Mud Wrestling contest.
[Post edited 12 Mar 12:24]
It's OFF
at 08:43 12 Mar 2024

I Make no Promises
at 08:41 12 Mar 2024

I wondered what had happened to Sam Smith.
Harry Pell
at 08:33 8 Mar 2024

Accused of intentionally hoofing balls into the MK Dongs crowd, during the warm up (presumably he had no buckets of shit to hand).

The FA have given him until only the 11th March to explain himself, which is a bit ripe.

The FA have had 20 years to explain why they let Milton Keynes steal a football club from a dedicated group of fans, but as yet, they still have not been able to put forward any form of rational explanation.

As someone who clings on to a hope of one day completing the ‘92’ I have read various comments on sites dedicated to the subject. Under the heading of ‘worst grounds visited’ my favourite comment was “MK Dons ground, because it’s a 60 mile walk from Wimbledon tube station”.
Warning - Non Football Post
at 08:30 6 Mar 2024

OK, so I’ve been driving since the dark days of Austin Allegros, but something was brought to my attention recently and I could not believe it.

I’m guessing that you probably all know this and it’s just my friends and family that have conspired to keep this from me, for the last 40 years, as a joke.

At the risk of making myself look thicker than pig shit, I can confess that I did not know that the little arrow beside a petrol pump sign on your dashboard tells you which side of the car the filler cap is on.

Not all cars have this, but a lot do. It’s no shame if your car hasn’t got one, as I have done some research and it doesn’t appear to have anything to do with a cars value or age.

Question A – Why don’t all cars have this?

Question B – Why don’t we all get told about it when we learn to drive?

Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to sit patiently, on a forecourt, while some bimbo tries to stretch the hose into the next county, so it will reach to the other side of their monster 4x4 w@n#er tank.

OK, I can now feel the smugness coming from electric car drivers.

“Oh Katey, do come and look at this oik, banging on about filling his car with dinosaur juice. I can’t remember the last time I visited one of those disgusting places. I think it may have been when you forgot the spelt ryebread and avocado sarnies. You know, when we were on our way to the Latitude Festival and I had to stop for a couple of chai seed and kumquat energy bars.

“Well don’t speak too soon Tarquin, the girls from extinction rebellion are coming round this morning for an organic, shade grown, latte, and @cado have forgotten to deliver the almond milk”.

…oh no, TOOT’s down at Strawberry Field again.
Man Ure
at 19:03 21 Feb 2024

I see Jim ‘Mr Brexit- pay feck all tax cos I live in Monaco’ Radcliffe is gobbing off about what he would like to do for Man Ure and build a national stadium in the north of England.

I hate to break the news to the Mancs but his record of delivering for the UK could be better. Apart from dodging an estimated £4bn of tax by hopping off to the Med after getting his beloved Brexit, in 2019 he announced that his 4x4 Grenadier (or dogs dinner if you prefer) would be built in a brand new factory in Wales.

Surprise, surprise he ended up changing his plans and builds the car in (Toot kisses his badge) France where there are no supply chain problems.

Still as a consolation the UK managed to scrap the EU law that said it had to stop putting shit in its rivers. Thanks for your help Jim, it's much appreciated, the UK could do with more patriots like you.

Just a madcap idea, but if you want to be the big 'I am' for the north of England, maybe you could chip in some income tax so they can rebuild some of the crumbling schools? I appreciate you may be down to your last 20 billion USD, but any contribution you may like to make would be gratefully received.
[Post edited 21 Feb 19:36]
Never mind a Suffolk Punch
at 13:40 5 Jan 2024

Spare a thought tomorrow for the police horses in Sunderland.

It is eight years since the last toon/mackem showdown, but more importantly the knob that punched a police horse in 2013 was banned from football for six years and will therefore be free to swing another ‘haymaker’.

The horse named ‘Bud’, was in a stable condition for years to come, and died in 2020 at the age of 21. Which I believe, in the mane, is not a bad innings for a horse?

In memory of Bud, I hope the toon have a ‘mare and the Mackems win at a canter. Any luck Sheikh rattle and roll will trot off with his money, back to the land of misogyny.

PS. A word of advice, don’t make the same mistake as me, if you are ever in the north-east, don’t go into Costa and ask for an oat milk latte…..

….because, ya canny have a latte weer ooot milk.
Luke Littler
at 18:38 2 Jan 2024

16 years of age.....

.... pull the other one, 36 more like!

I reckon his mum's been fiddling the child benefit and now they daren't alter his papers. LOL

[Post edited 2 Jan 18:38]
Jumpers for goalpost hmmmmm!
at 08:39 19 Apr 2022

Those were the days Ron!

Who needs a Director of Performance, all we need is a VHS recorder and a Jiffy bag.

Don't know if anyone has seen this but I found interesting.

I can't help thinking that it's all been made a bit complicated nowadays. It certainly didn't help Watford that much!
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