During Lockdown, i've noticed my alcohol intake rise, and perhaps for two days of the week, waking up with my head feeling like a smeg 800 watt dough beater and suffering Promtheus Plume reflux.
Being Autobahn Straight and true, i've been on 45-50 units a week, drinking 5 days a week, up from around 30 units over 3 drinking days a week, pre lockdown. Thus i'm currently over 3 times higher than The Chief Medical Officers guidlines of 14 units per week.
It's still less units than my pointless existence as a Lloyds of London pin stripe shocktrooper in the 90's and noughties, but still Reckless for a 52 year old bloke with the internal organs of William Burroughs, Although i can't imagine Burroughs began his Dirty booze ulysses odyssey like me, In the Golden Fleece Manor park in 1983 with a pint of Double Diamond.
I found myself more or less in the same mould as Adrian Chiles in his Booze doc, 'Drinkers like me'.
Finished work for the christmas Holidays so now my thoughts turn to christmas day with the family. For me, I'll be round the mother in-laws in chigwell Christmas Day, and consequently, will have to spend all day with a Belcher chain and Lacoste v neck jumper wearing brother in law, whose the biggest Lairy West ham c unt from woodford, i've ever had the misfortune to have met..and the competition has been fierce in this department.
He looks at QPR, As do most West Ham Fans, in the same manner as van Leeuwenhoek did when he first looked through a microscope and saw an amoeba. Their event horizon arrogance always astounds me. Always.
The bonus is that his daughter is now 21 and a professional ballerina and singer , 5ft 11 with flowing red hair , an english rose ..and the sweet bitch will insist on doing her exercises right in front of me in skin tight leggings so i can see the shape of her ambrosial vagimosis. Tormenting the living f uck out of me.
The attention seeking cu nt won't eat properly though and the family will all fawn round her and break into applause if she manages to nibble at roast tatty. Ponces. You can see her fu cking ribs through her tops which turns me right on. So Much so I've been watching belsen hags taking a robust length up the tata box on pornhub .com on heavy rotation.
just what old bing crosby would have wanted i reckon, rather than that pretentious cu nt bowie coming round on xmas day and asking him all those personal questions about his butler, playing his f ucking piano and acting like he's best muckers with Sir Fu cking Percival.
My First Match thread for about 5 years and As Christmas is fast approaching like Pietro Mennea on Alan Wells Shoulder in the last 5 meters of the 200, I'm Just now back from my christmas shopping at the wine factory on Leigh on sea Broadway.
The sights i witnessed on my christmas shop sickened this poster, seeing the commercialised credo, Mantra and doctrines of christmas in England 2018.
To Counteract being soaked in the religion of consumerism i chose to Celebrate the birth of Christ , the King of kings, and the true meaning of christmas by purchasing 2 crates of Lone star Lager, 28 bottles of superbock, 6 bottles of remedial vodka, 1 value whiskey, 2 icelandic Gin and a bottle of monkey Shoulder rum.
This should cover the Christmas comedown period and negate the 1000 yard stare of the mother in law on Boxing Day and the inane patter of my West Ham Brother in law , signing songs about Frankie Lampard senior falling over at Elland Road whlie he's rassed to sweet fcuk on his 3 for a fiver Asda craft ales. The C unt.
On top of that, The Local Roofer has dropped off 6 wraps of flake cut Bugle and 5 bottles of liquid gold Amyl nitrate, 24 x 150 mg tabs of Viagra plus a dozen micky mills and some vintage VHS mid 90's Gonzo Porn from Ben Dover. £800 all fu cking in.
Honestly, if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't fu cking bother.. Just to see their faces light up on christmas morning when they catch their daddy under the tree at 5.30 am out of his canister shagging the Milk Tray into a pulp in sexual Synchronicity to the haunting and hypnotic christmas anthem of steel eye spans 'gaudet', makes it all worthwhile.
3-0 To the Hoops To kick start the pre christmas jolly up.
Snowfall in Leigh On sea currently with less depth than Stan Cummings in his dorothy perkins fishnets doing the limbo, i.e 1/2 an inch, yet my builders can't navigate the seemingly sir john franklin erebus expedition of the flemish cap from basildon to leigh, to stick up a fackin' partition wall and bi fold doors' , because of the snow'.
Most vexing to my spirit as i've taken 3 days off work. Might as well go down the Peterboat for sensibly priced lager by the fishing boats.
it's a shame as I once took leave from fasting and prayer, for about 33 years, to partake of alcohol and Recreational drugs. At 17 Satan did tempt me and bestowed upon me incontinence most high after 3 grams of hurry up and 15 pints of holsten in the coach and horses, Plaistow.
oh wretched man that i am, my strength faileth because of my iniquity; my bones have been consumed by the pleasures of the flesh. I am a broken vessel, Waiting for the Peterboat to open at 11.30am to get on the facking tap.Fackin' Builders.
My mate tapped me up this afternoon about his 50th birthday this year. He wants to recreate our prime years, such as they were, by going to see a rare appearance from an old hero of ours, Sasha, doing a 9 hour progressive house set at fabric in june.
I Do so hope he appreciates my candor but pathetically , i couldn't circumnavigate the 9 hours without the doors of perception being flung open and the 5 known senses awoken from their benign slumber by taking some f ucking decent class A tackle.
Having been on the wagon for 7 years and undergone regeneration to some degree, All my illnesses, ailments, afflictions and aggressive growths that permeate my middle aged Carcass are in perfect equilibrium and thus negating each other in stalemate keeping me alive.
Yet just one more line of sawtooth peaked cut petrol washed chang slung up me hooter or another micky mills of comparative remedial quality taken in Synchronicity with a Sasha set , would end up with me in a bamboo casket and My mrs taking a string of lovers of many faiths, creeds and colours in the matrimonial bed and no doubt taking her to previously untold sexual sensorial heights while i'm still warm in the f ucking ground being nibbled at by wild rodents full of typhus.
Progressive House, Gear and Getting old.. What a bastard.
Back in the wilderness years, When I was held in cruel abeyance by the bitter sweet grains of the south american quaker oats working as a non marine insurance broker in the square mile, I was listening to my hero John Foxx on the rusty Egan Show talking about his bespoke minimoog esoteric craft working within the sphere, Parameters and confines of electronic dance music.
As was the zeitgeist of the times, i was rassed to sweet heavenly f uck and ripped to the tits on a couple of wraps of high grade sawtooth cut translucent petrol washed kibble , while i listened to Foxx, impart to the listener, how his music was the tesseract that ignited modern day house, Techno , trance, subculture and beyond.
Gripped as i was with augmented sensorial waves of pleasure flashing across my mind with insight after insight as the Plaistow kibble elevated me to new levels of understanding and transcending dimensions of time and space, I decided to call up bbc radio 6 and impress Foxx by drawing key and pertinent ley lines between his seminal works with Tangerine Dream, Can , Progressive Kraut Rock and underground clubs of that era such as The Mudd Club , Samsara, Gardening Club and 'Whoop it up' at the astoria.
Moreover, i ventured to myself, that His work was a natural extension of The BBC Radiophonic workshop and thus the very Flint that sparked his (John Foxx's), transportation Into the epicenter of the electronica dojo when the likes of Andy Gibb, barbra streisand, Showaddywaddy and Tina Charles dominated the charts and the muso tv shows at that time in Bleak, grey, smileys circus late 70's Britain. No Fun.
Unfortunately the f ucking c unts put me on hold for 40 minutes and the gear had run down, no longer coursing through my system, but leaving me flatter than karen carpenter doing the limbo. By the time i got on air all i could mumble to the high sensi of electronica was ' err,,,Have,,err,, you got any new,,err,, projects in the,,err,, offering John?'. Suffice to say i was treated with the disdain that i so richly deserved, as Foxx curtly replied 'No' And Rusty Egan snorted in disgust.
and that was that.
I did once manage to phone in to LBC to ask wilf slack and john emburey when simon hughes would replace norman cowans in the middlesex first 11 but alas i was only 13 and the kibble was another world away..
top tip For Brussell sprouts - peel the outer half dozen or so leaves off your sprouts (chuck the 'core' in the bin) - boil them for a very short while (I believe the term might be 'blanch') then finish by frying off in a pan full of nicely browned smoked streaky bacon pieces and salted butter.
According to all media portals and twitter, Today is 'Mad Friday'. The day when Christmas Parties reach their Numerical peak ..Looking at the pictures on TV and comments on twitter, it seems nothing more than an opportunity for twenty something graduates with a degree in Umayyad Dynasty Islamic Textile Studies and who currently work in the city filing bought ledger invoices (suppliers 'A' to 'E') for a venture capital conglomerate , get to showcase their Party Animal Credo at the office xmas party . i.e tossing off the ACCA qualified chief accountant's 3 inch Chode over the yule log once his finished singing 'Layla ' by the Derek and the cnting Dominoes on the cnting Karaoke .
this being the case, for 'GramLine Friday' ive Cuckolded an 'Enry of Guatemalan Granola,Smashed the Granny out of 8 pints of Eggnog & had it on the Cobbles with a fukin' Elf.
A 'Lagers from around the world' presentation box ..My eyelids rupture and the capillaries on my mush explode with rage if i do not get my customary gift every year. Love it. Even better than a super flight deck or Merlin or Stretch Armstrong as a kid.
It pleases the Iron Duke of north Chingford. i.e Me, to look them up on https://www.ratebeer.com/ during the peace and tranquiity of boxing day afternoon, having spent 17 hours round my facking mother in laws in chigwell the previous day.
During the wilderness years whilst i was in league with the intoxicating Mistress Dame Coca plant and her fluffer mates Booze and Pills, And in between corrosive and destructive relationships and marriages and custody battles etc etc , I spent a a couple of christmas's just sitting on me own, tanning bottles of grouse watching 'location location' and tommy cooper re runs before circumnavigating the eponymous avenues and alleyways of Brentwood in my blood orange shitty pants out on the mooch for gear.
Happily Nothing bad lasts for ever so they say , although saying that , the last 9 christmas's ive had to go to jo's mums in chigwell , to eat undercooked remedial christmas dinners while she gives me the thousand yard stare from across the north face of the pinkish turkey.
Also i have to spend all day with a Belcher chain and La coste v neck jumper wearing brother in law, whose the biggest Lairy West ham cnt ive ever had the misfortune to have met..and the competition has been fierce in this department .
The bonus is that his daughter is now 18 and a professional ballerina and singer , 5ft 11 with flowing red hair , an english rose ..and she will insist on doing her exercises right in front of me in skin tight leggings so i can see the shape of her mangetout..
just what old bing crosby would have wanted i reckon, rather than that pretentious cnt bowie coming round and asking him all those personal questions about his butler and playing his facking piano..
get through it best you can..imo Its all about Boxing Day supping from your presentation box of selected lagers and craft ales , Reading the labels and reviews ,while looking forward to a nil nil draw at home to Preston/Barnsley/Northampton/wigan etc etc.
Im Always on the mooch for a canny bargain at this expensive time of year, so In the Spirit of Chip Monck Of Woodstock.. Help out your Fellow LFW brother by putting up any fiscal thrifty xmas beer/ alcohol deals that you see upon your travels.
Today, I found and purchased, 24 bottles of Super Bock Lager 330 ml, for £16 (until stocks run out) In Tesco Highams Park. I walked out of there feeling like id won the hostess trolley on sale of the century. Great Bargain. Nice Lager and will keep me from another slagging from Family and Neighbours this year, after the job lot of banks Caribbean lager i picked up at Morrisons last year.
I see Kraftwerk Are Touring Over here Next Year. Tickets on sale today .. I saw Them at Tribal Gathering in 1997 . I wish i could say it was special , but i was out of my Fackin skate on Micky Mills. It might as well have been Charlie Drake,Charles Hawtrey,Reg Varney & Don Estelle operating a Casio Pocket Calculator for 3 hours.
Still, A good night when all said and done.
Eins zwei drei vier funf sechs sieben acht Uno due treis quattro One two Ichi ni san chi