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Yesterday I heard a commentator say “There's been a fair bit of chat about how warm it is down on the ice, especially for the sweepers given how hard they have to work.”
What a Tw@t, there are people who have to shovel shit for 8 hours a day, every day, run up and down ladders with roof tiles, spend all day making beds and wiping arses.
Poncing about on ice, with a broom, for a couple of minutes, is not hard work FFS.
Option 1: You can train in the gym every day for years, weight and cardio, watch your diet, practice in the freezing cold as you dice with death hurtling down the side of a mountain every day until you perfect your art. Spend weeks nursing injuries and hope you’ll still be in one piece come your big day.
Option 2: Turn up with a broom and sweep like mad for 30 seconds when someone shouts at you.
How many other sports are there where you have your attempt and if it’s shite, you can get other people to try to alter the outcome? Who the hell ever thought that was a good idea? It’s legalized cheating!
It’s exactly the same as hooking a drive into the rough at the Masters and having your mates turn up with a Flymo. It’s just bollox.
You hit a wayward shot in tennis, the ballboy nods it back onto the court and nobody blinks an eyelid. It’s just not going to happen in proper sports!
Olympic action has inspired me. My missus has been away for a hen party fortnight overseas and I claim a number of personal bests…..
1. Managed to encounter all of the washing machine error codes in merely 8 days. 2. Zero black bag litter (as ready meals fill only paper and cardboard sacks). 3. Zero food waste (ditto) 4. Put out a record number of empty glass bottles for a single week. 5. Water consumption drops 80% (what does she do in that bathroom?). 6. Maybe (4) has relevance to (5) as beer replaces tea. 7. No worry about forgetting Valentines Day. She was ahead as regards time zones excusing me.
Olympic action has inspired me. My missus has been away for a hen party fortnight overseas and I claim a number of personal bests…..
1. Managed to encounter all of the washing machine error codes in merely 8 days. 2. Zero black bag litter (as ready meals fill only paper and cardboard sacks). 3. Zero food waste (ditto) 4. Put out a record number of empty glass bottles for a single week. 5. Water consumption drops 80% (what does she do in that bathroom?). 6. Maybe (4) has relevance to (5) as beer replaces tea. 7. No worry about forgetting Valentines Day. She was ahead as regards time zones excusing me.
Does your missus look a postings on Usual do you know?
Why it takes a woman so long to shower is one of the greatest mysteries of the modern world.
For your average bloke, it’s 1 minute attacking the armpits with soap, a similar time for the nether regions and if you’re lucky to still have hair, another couple of minutes for some shampoo. The rest of the body just takes pot luck with run-off from the aforementioned.
I think most blokes, when they shack up with a woman for the first time must go through the ‘what the @#?~ is she doing in there’ ‘has she fallen asleep’ ‘maybe it’s worse, maybe she’s fainted’.
The first clue is the number of bottles that come with a woman.
I’ve never understood why anyone needs at least eight different shampoos. Then there’s conditioners WTF? There’s products for repairing, balancing, strengthening, protecting, restructuring, nourishing and this only gets worse with age. Once the grey hairs start, you need to upsize house just to accommodate the extra bottles.
……..and we haven’t even got below the neck yet!
At least another four bottles while the body gets the ‘premium wash’, every square inch of it, there are bottles for this and for that, but the biggest revelation, when you finally start to grasp why they use enough water to wash a fleet of Scanias, is when you catch them shaving their legs with your razor whilst the shower is in full flow.
You hear the water stop and you think that there’s some slight chance that you might get in the bathroom, but no, the wiping down of the shower ritual has only just begun. A process that takes an eternity, and if questioned, you get the old ‘it will go mouldy if you leave it’, which is true, but I swear I could re-mastic the entire bathroom in the time this takes!
Their foot hits the bath mat and surely you are now in with a chance? Not so fast, the biggest bottle of all is yet to make an appearance, the ‘body lotion’, and this is just the start of the ‘aftercare’ regime.
My advice to any young man who’s considering leaving the nest. Wait until you can afford a house with an en-suite.
Honestly, you have to applaud Rebecca Morrison's last stone against the USA today. I'm really enjoying the curling (men's and women's), it's something that I like to think "yeah, I could probably do that", apart from the fact I'd fall on my face as soon as I stepped onto the ice. Back in the day, and I was pretty good at it too, I played a lot of pool, but to bounce off one stone and cannon into and remove the US shot lead was absolutely phenomenal.
Honestly, you have to applaud Rebecca Morrison's last stone against the USA today. I'm really enjoying the curling (men's and women's), it's something that I like to think "yeah, I could probably do that", apart from the fact I'd fall on my face as soon as I stepped onto the ice. Back in the day, and I was pretty good at it too, I played a lot of pool, but to bounce off one stone and cannon into and remove the US shot lead was absolutely phenomenal.
I agree 100%, amazing skill and great entertainment.
The very best are in a different world to us, same as bowls, chess, darts, crazy golf, break dancing, quoits, poker, shove ha’penny, ten pin bowling, sheep dog trials, snooker, dogging, hoopla, pool……..
None of them are sport in the sense of the Olympics, they’re leisure activities. It’s an insult to the proper athletes to give them the same medal as a 100m sprinter or a downhill skier. It’s not what the Olympics were intended for. I can imagine Zeus thinking WTF.
…but like everything else nowadays, we have to dumb down the Olympics for the TV.
Doesn’t take anything away from how amazing their efforts are and how good it is to watch.
The fact that you feel you could have done that, rather suggests it shouldn't be at the Olympics.
Genuinely chuffed that the men’s team have made the final, best of luck for a gold, and very well done to the women’s team to get so far.
If we are giving out Olympic medals for non-athletic ‘sports’, just to appeal to us lazy armchair sportsmen, then Ronnie O’Sullivan and Luke Littler should certainly have one.
This has got me thinking. Why not revamp the whole Olympics to better match the modern world. Just image….
Hello and welcome to day two of this year’s ‘Chav’ Olympics, and just a reminder, this year…. Judo has been replaced with Bingo. Weightlifting has made way for Shoplifting and the controversial Break Dancing has been replaced with Line Dancing.
Today’s Schedule:
10:00 The USA are favorites for the mass shooting.
11:00 Jeremy Kyle will be presenting the Rowing. (No, that’s having a row, arguing, not some posh tw@ts from Oxbridge)
12:00 Outdoor swimming, watch out for Team GB in the turd lane.
13:00 Tovide will be going for another medal in the diving.
14:00 Wrestling starts with ‘Fighting for the TV Remote’.
15:00 More wrestling in the ‘Getting into a boob-tube and skinny jeans that are 3 sizes too small’.
16:00 It’s all action at the ‘toning tables’.
17:00 Shock news that Team GB have been disqualified from the Fencing. 6ft composite panels in ‘Admiral Blue’, complete with trellis, matching patio sofa and patio heaters may be OK in Chelmsford, but it’s not acceptable on the world stage.
18:00 Cycling. No surprise at GB’s latest failure in the pursuit. Once again, the GB Police have failed to catch a single bike thief.
19:00 ….and after yesterday’s shock, when the Italians pulled out after Team GB ordered an ‘Hawaiian’, it’s back to ‘Pizza Eating’.
20:00 We round off the evening with freestyle shagging, where Team Vatican are expected to withdraw at the last moment and don’t be surprised if you see the Greeks at the rear. Team GB’s B@nnie Blue is assured of a medal in the marathon.
No thread about the Olympics can be complete without the joke I first heard many years ago from Billy Connolly….
Two athletes chatting,
The first one says “are you a pole vaulter?”
The second one replies “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”.
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