Bosh Times - And then the world, part three
Friday, 15th Feb 2008 17:50
The third part of Bosh’s meeting with our new board – to think when he started this Patrick Agyemang was only a figment of our imagination.
Before the meeting could get back to some sort of order Fabulous sent out several of the Crazy Horse Girls to see if they could track down Ernie. It appeared that in their slight naivety during the first open transfer window that Ernie had accidentally been sold on the transfer deadline to a collector in Holland. The mix up which saw Ernie whisked away by the Royal Mail started when the Dutch collector went online to EBay and started bidding for a garden gnome in the shape of Andy Warhol.
Fortunately sniffer dogs were able to locate the diminutive Rangers boss poking out the end of a small bubble wrap packet at Heathrow Airport. Within the hour he had been repatriated by means of a remote control car back to Loftus Road, where the meeting was able to continue.
“Sorry about that,” said a slightly dishevelled Beckleston.
Another addition to our meeting was the inclusion of Rangers favourite Flintstone Gnasher Crazyworth, who sat in front of a table eating what I can only describe as large pebbles in a sesame seed bap.
“What exactly is that you’re eating?” I asked Gnasher.
At which point a large chunk of rock fell out the side of the rampant winger come manager assistant’s mouth and tumbled onto the floor. The rock had a picture of our very own Martin Rowlands on it. As it cart wheeled along the carpet Gnasher commented that is was only “a Rowleying Stone.”
I didn’t have the heart to ask him about the rock he was chewing on with a picture of Adam Bolder on it.
With the transfer window now firmly shut to save the virtually bare naked Crazy Horse Girls from getting a chill Fab told me that although the club had brought in ten players and thrown many others to the lions, well, Biggie anyway, that the club wouldn’t go mad and would limit itself to under a hundred loan moves between now and the end of April.
“Any more than a hundred would be superstitious,” Fab explained. “In the same way Jude has retired to the board room we have to follow our Italian intuition on this. It’s like the words my mama told me. Never eat pasta more than three days in a row, keep your cats in the board room and under no circumstances go into the transfer market looking for a left winger.”
Left wingers being another unlucky superstition in Italian folklore. “We have to be very careful on that left wing,” Fab explained. “A lot of my F1 cars have no left wings and that is because my drivers are rubbish. Here, in football it’s the same principal. Our players on the left must not be left footed. We would prefer them not to be right footed on that side either and just tackle, pass and shoot with their heads. But unfortunately we only have Gnasher here who can do that and we’re thinking of putting him out to stud… With Jude.” At which point Gnasher perked his head up and made a very similar noise to the one Scooby Doo makes when he’s baffled.
Ernie was now pacing the windows that looked out over the exotic view of the flats on South Africa Road. Once we had coaxed him off the ledge he explained the immediate plans for the R’s.
“Obviously we can’t expect to push on from here and win the league this season. That would be unrealistic and ridiculous at this point and that’s why I have been to see the Football League and convinced them to promote the team that comes 17th. Which should give us a much better chance of realising our dreams.”
Mini Warhol went on to explain “With GiGi, Dumbfounded and Gnasher in charge the team can really go places this Summer and that’s because all three of them have apartments to let on the Costa Blanca. We understand that the language barrier has been difficult for the players to get used to but little by little they are beginning to pick up the odd phrase and sentence that Gnasher barks out at them. To be fair most of the players have learnt Italian to bypass this problem.”
I realised my time was running out and that I probably only had time for one more question left. I thought that I should aim the question at the growing role played by Lashtack Paddywhack Give an R a Billion’s family in the club. Ernie was quick to answer the question, superstitiously bending his diminutive frame over to tap his life size cardboard cut out of Paul Parker on a step ladder, looking up at R2D2 on the head before replying.
“Lashed Up is vitally important to this club,” Ernie explained. “He wants Loftus Road to be the venue in sport for the whole of Europe. He wants to bring a taste of seven star entertainment to the club and that’s why as from next season all the seats will be made of diamond encrusted titanium. People in slightly posher seats will even have cushions made out of DoDo feathers and covered in Mammoth fur, although he may have to be a bit more PC and go with synthetic Mammoth fur. To beat the inconvenience of having to queue up for the toilets every seat will have it’s own private ensuite bathroom and staff. Obviously we don’t want to have to pass too many costs on to the fans and that’s why we will be hoping to keep the price of an average season ticket down to under four and a half million pounds. But we will throw in a few cup games next year. Season tickets will be made wafer thin hand brushed Russian marble but to be fair that’s about as plush as those will get. We don’t want to look flash. Other than that and the fact that the pitch will be weaved out of spun gold next season supporters won’t notice too much change apart from the doormen, guest lists and snack bars being run by the Ivy.”
As I left the home of wow that was almost football for the day I reflected on the fact that the club is now in a quite fantastic position. Not since Brian Blessed stood up in Black Adder and screamed “Chiswick, fresh horses!” has the future looked so bright. All that worries me now is that we only have to pick up another twenty five injuries and we’ll be down to the bare bones on that right wing.
Photo: Action Images
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