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A List R's - Bosh Times
A List R's - Bosh Times
Thursday, 3rd Apr 2008 22:38

Bosh looks back at the recent goings on at Loftus Road in his own irreverent way.

John F Kennedy, Malcolm X, Neil Armstrong, Michael Palin, John Cleese, Henry the Eighth, Mohammed Ali, Magic Johnson, Pamela Anderson, Edward Heath, Shrek, The Pope and rock band The killers are just a few of the names being hotly tipped to join Queens Park Wages over the Summer.

“Everyone is on the list,” confirmed supreme Ernie Beckleston as he watched his newly beloved football team beat northern outfit Goldfrapp 3-1 at loftus Road last week, “and no one is off it.”

The well known cracker sized action figure of Andy Warhol, with fully movable parts was commenting as he wrestled with his aging memory regarding a nagging thought that he should be doing something with cars that weekend in Australia, and then Malaysia.

“We need options next season,” the F1 boss continued. “We are looking at Louis Figtree or whatever his name is. Or Fido Dido, I forget which one to be honest. But all I can tell you is that if we can’t get the chap we’ll get a dog called Fido and that whining songstress Dido and at least that means we’ll have our man one way another, even if it is a dog and a bird with a warbling voice who makes you want to shoot yourself.”

As Ernie watched the hoops edge nearer to promotion and relegation at the same time half way around the World Fabulous Bringandbuysaley was starting to regret his decision to have club mascot Jude neutered from the team.

Relieved of both of his knackers and his duties the famous club cat took off on a long overdue holiday. So far, in just four weeks the cat that Fab considered unlucky has caused several large earthquakes, two volcano eruptions and a tidal wave in the PapaNicole owners native Italian village.

The former QPR legend was recently also found in possession of an illegal quantity of catnip, something that he has subsequently confessed that he was carrying for a friend. More revelations have emerged surrounding the ex club cat and it has been reported that after finishing his tour of destruction in Italy that he will be returning to the UK to join the cloth. The famous black mog has said that since leaving Loftus Road he has found religion and would like to concentrate his efforts on becoming a Jude-as-priest.

Meanwhile, as Rangers look for a suitable location in West London to build a giant stadium capable of housing its loyal twelve thousand supporters, plus a further 500 local school children several notice board bloggers have commented on the amount of bird crap they have found recently mounting up on their seats when they arrive at the ground.

Bosh Times can now exclusively report that the bird in question is none other than Barbarela (I’ m actually 71 – really? You look about 90 love) movie beauty Jane Fonda. In the ultimate act of revenge against former husband Ted Turner the Hollywood legend has recently taken the unusual step of dumping her load all over faithful Ranger’s fan’s seats.

Loftforwords regular Ted Hendrix commented “When I had a look at my seat before the last home game I was absolutely disgusted. To think that a woman of her stature and fame could perch herself on the rafters here and unload so much filth is utterly beyond me. At her age she really ought to know better. Mind you,” the popular blogger continued, “I’d still give her one.”

With the R’s now twenty million quid richer with Italian dolly mixture designed kit manufacturer Looto if they hit the Premiership… and a pint of diet coke and a packet of crisps of their choice in any flavour apart from Prawn cocktail, because that would be taking the piss if they don’t go up in the next five years, things are looking up for the hoopios next season. With reportedly three red hot prospects from Portugal currently training with the club, admittedly all from the local Nandos restaurant, fans are likely to see a rich array of new faces when they take their seats full of steaming piles of Fonda in August.

After drawing with Wolveyourtrumpton Wonderwalls and Hips Witch Tan the R’s look all but done and dusted for the season. With Depressed Stan coming to Loftfarts Road next Saturday the stage is set for gaffer Looleaky Tincanio to deliver his promise of keeping us in the only division where the team leading the pack could yet be relegated. Tincanio said today, "we won’t go mad in the Summer but we will look for some new faces. This division is tough but when we run out next season in our new wibbly wobbly sweet shop speckled hoops we will aim to take the league by storm. As our new sponsors Looto say, you’ve got to be in it, to win it. We’ll be in it trying to win it and if we don’t I won’t worry too much because I love marmite crisps and low calorie cola drinks anyway.’ – Bosh Times



Photo: Action Images

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