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The 5th annual LFW deadline day brunch and barbecue spectacular - Live Blog
Tuesday, 31st Jan 2017 14:12 by Clive Whittingham

That's right, it's back. The alternative live blog for the final nine hours of this veritable hot feast of nonsense and hyperbole. Lord help us.

Final thoughts

QPR have signed Sean Goss from Man Utd, Kazenga Lua Lua from Brighton, Luke Freeman from Bristol City, Matt Smith from Fulham, Ravel Morrison from Lazio and have confirmed the permanent signing of Pawel Wszolek from Verona.

They've sold Tjaronn Chery to the Diangsu Donkey Kongs, Seb Polter to Union Berlin, dumped Sandro in some skip round the back of a Turkish restaurant, loaned Ben Gladwin to Swindon, El Khayati to Den Haag, Joe Lumley to Bristol Rovers, Brandon Comley came back for a couple of minutes then went to Grimsby, Osman Kakay is with Chesterfield, poor little Mide Shodipo and Axel Prohouly are at Port Vale... Steven Caulker is who knows fucking where doing who knows fucking what.

Karl Henry is still stuck here.

Credit where it's due - our youth players get Football League loans now rather than spells at Hendon.

But, we have, once again thrown everything up in the air only for it to land much where it started. Is this team much better than it was 31 days ago? Time will tell.

We'll have a full assessment of this utter madness on Thursday evening, but for now we're taking the good gin up up bed ready for tomorrow's stupidly early train to Newcastle.

23.01 We're now having the 'deal sheet' explained to us. It's the middle of the night and we're discussing legislative paperwork. "Always a great night" says Jim.


*Unless you've put a deal sheet in. Or have loads of money to the point the rules don't apply to you. Or you're pulling that broken fax machine trick.


22.58 Krystian Bielik goes on loan from Arsenal to Birmingham.

22.55 Astonishingly, fully six hours after Slaven Bilic stopped his car to shout at Toothy Gary to go home, he's still loitering around the car park at West Ham.

"Can I go home, they've said there's nothing else doing here."


"It's my daughter's school play."

"You stay there you toothy git. We're coming to you for that Dimitar Berbatov story again in a minute."

22.53 Bournemouth have lodged an £18m bid for Nathan Ake from Chelsea with seven minutes to go. Never before has that Viz thing about re-creating the drama of transfer deadline day by waiting until the canteen is about to close and then rushing to the counter to pay £24 for a Pot Noodle been more apt.

22.51 "We want to buy Sakho." "Ok, £20m." "We want to loan Sakho."

22.50 Ten minutes people. Last orders.

22.47 Late deals, David Cotterill, told he wasn't wanted by Birmingham just a day before the window closed, has gone to Bristol City on loan. Brum now ten without a win since replacing Gary Rowett with Gianfranco Zola. Emyr Huws joins Ipswich from Cardiff - Ipswich beaten again tonight, in real trouble.

22.44 Tom Hunter asks via the Facepaint whether we can come up with a song for Pawel Wszolek. Simmo, not well, suggests "Wszolek, Wszolek as a rock. And his form is hot, hot, hot, hot." Put a bullet in us, we're done.

22.41 "The Sky umbrellas have done some business today, no question at all about that" says Jim. Thank fuck for that, was only just about to question whether the Sky umbrellas had done business today. But I don't have to now, because they have.

22.40 20 minutes left. Time for Daniel Levy to fire up that broken fax machine.

22.39 Here's the right honourable Dom Savage giving it the big 'un.

22.33 Consultant surgeon Paul Maylard-Mason writes, doubting the veracity of this idea that Steven Caulker (injured for the last three months) may suddenly be able to complete a medical and sign for Lokomotiv Moscow in Russia (in case you didn’t know where Moscow is).

Now honestly Paul I think this is a shame. We’ve had a lot of fun today, and we’ve all had a drink, and here you are lowering the tone with xenophobic suggestions that not quite everything that happens in the Russian transfer market is above board.

22.27 Yanniss Saladbar discussing terms with Hull.

22.20 Sean Dyche on any more business being done tonight: "takeaway, definitely". Sky Sports Bot 5.6 says he'll have some if there's any going. There definitely isn't.

22.18 Burton trying to get Michael Kightly from Burnley. To be honest, I'd forgotten Michael Kightly existed.

QPR DEAL - Nasser El Khayati, QPR to Den Haag, loan

One year, four starts and one goal v Charlton after he arrived from Burton Albion, El Khayati is heading back to Holland on loan.

22.08 Couple of other done deals for you in the Championship.

Swansea send Ryan Hedges to Barnsley, and take Jordan Ayew from Villa. Welsh international left back Neil Taylor goes to Villa Park as part of that deal.

Reading’s busy day concludes with Lewis Grabban arriving from Bournemouth, joining Reece Oxford and one other from much earlier who I’ve forgotten. Newcastle wanted to buy Andros Townsend from Palace for a slim £13m roughly 20 minutes after selling him, but that one is off.

22.07 It’s all going off round Charles Lawley’s gaff…

22.02 And lo, with just an hour to go, trade started to pick up again. Michel Ngonge’s sack is bulging at the seams.

This from the Facepaint:

”If they get this Wszolek deal made permanent, that's a great deal for the club. However, what does it say about JFH and Holloway that they were so reluctant to pick a bloke now "apparently" interesting Premier league clubs. The fact he was a Polish international wasn't exactly a secret to them. Holloway didn't start him in his first six games, I think...of which we lost five ! Equally, how does this reflect on us fans? A bloke who hardly set the world alight initially, now considered one of our best players. It's almost like fans should reserve judgement on a player until, you know, they've played a bit. Good luck to Freeman, Goss and Smith on that front!! Apologies, I'm far too sober for this deadline day malarkey.” -Tom Hunter

Dan kindly offering this in depth analysis of the Ravel Morrison signing on the Twittersphere:

And the very reverend Matt Priestly offers us…

22.00 One hour to go

QPR Headlines

- AnnouncedRavel

- Big Posh Matt signed from Cambridge Varsity Rowing

- Uncle Tony takes to the Twitter, terrifying all in his wake

Championship Headlines

- Wigan sign 11 players. Barry Fry describes their conduct as “excessive”.

- Jordan Rhodes moves from Boro to Sheff Wed for £10m.

- Matthew Taylor swaps Rovers for City in Bristol.

21.55 Right, no pissing about here, come at me with your Morrison hyperbole…


21.50 Morrison will wear number 49 #14

21.45 Here’s Our Lord and Saviour Ian Holloway, declaring his delight at a signing Les Ferdinand has been trying to foist on managers for two years.

“This has got me all over it, hasn’t it? QPR fans know me and what I’m all about and they know I love giving a chance to players who I believe in, and that’s the case with Ravel. Sometimes it takes a few setbacks for players to flourish. It’s all about hard work for him now. He’s ready to work and ready to show what he’s about, and it’s up to me to show him the way and create an environment for him to thrive in. He’s got some work to do over the coming weeks to get where he needs to be, but we will help him as a group, show him some love in the special environment we’re trying to create here and then we can be positive — together — going forward. I think he’s in a good place and we’re going to help him progress as a player. It’s down to him, but let’s not expect too much, too soon.” — Ian Ollie Holloway

21.40 We've followed a few...

21.36 Here's St Ravel saying he's going to be a really good little/tubby boy...

“I am really pleased to be back here. It’s a great opportunity for me to come back and hopefully find the form I showed the first time around. I am ready to work hard and focus fully on playing for Rangers. I’m really grateful to the manager and everyone else at the club for sorting out this loan deal — and I can’t wait to play in front of the QPR fans again.” -AnnounceRavel

21.32 Yes it seems they have finally Announced Ravel.

QPR DEAL - Ravel Morrison, Lazio to QPR, season long loan

21.30 News of a former QPR player on the move... Josh Laurent, who left QPR for Brentford, didn't make the grade, dropped down to Hartlepool, has now signed for Wigan for a fee reported to be in the region of £500,000. Toldja he might make it...

21.25 Uncle Tony is awake.

21.15 That Robbie Brady deal is being reported as a Burnley club record of £10.5m.

21.20 We're just going to re-run the old classics I think.

21.13 Jeff tells Wycombe fans they'll be disappointed to see their team fall 2-1 behind on the vidiprinter then "you'll be even more disappointed when I tell you what the real score is". 3-1. Don't shine that light in my eye mate, I've lost a pint of blood.

21.08 We can kill another 52 minutes before Jim wibbles back before us with your help. Probably better than this, but this will do for now.

21.00 Two hours to go

QPR News:

- Pawel and Posh Matt are in.

- Ravel is on his way, apparently, but time ticking.

- Rushki muski shushki Steven Caulker.

Championship News:

- Robbie Brady leaving Norwich for Burnley

- Brentford punishing Villa for pinching Scott Hogan by leading them 2-0.

- Modou Barrow goes to Leeds on loan from Swansea.

20.57 Quick done deal before the hour, Norwich have finally lost Robbie Brady who has signed for Burnley.

20.55 And it’s a big day for the first goalscorer betters at Arsenal Watford.

20.50 All gone off at USA Serbia…

20.47 Rough glove at the ready, Jim interrupts the coverage to tell us Arouna Kone is going to sit on the physio table at Crippled Alice instead of Everton.

There's also an interview with Onion Ighalo of Watford who says his £20m move to China's Jiansang Jizzwizzards was not motivated by money, but the sound on it fails, which is just as well because it was obviously going to be bollocks.

20.45 Right, wouldn't sit with me on the train to Newcastle tomorrow morning if I were you. Championship half times then...

Barnsley 0-2 Wolverhampton Wolves

Brum 0-0 Waitrose

Brentford 2-0 Leddersford

Wurzels 1-1 Sheffield Owls

Seventh Annual Neil Warnock Farewell Tour 2-0 Preston Knob End

Ipswich 0-3 Derby Sheep

Nottingham Trees 0-0 Relegated Rotherham

20.37 Half time scores coming your way once I've dealt with Simmo's "special chilli". And 'deal with' is certainly the right term, as opposed to eat/enjoy/savour.

20.35 News here on Wszolek’s fee…

20.31 Colin Speller's assertion that there's money to be made from LFW predictions if only you know how to harness them rings true again as Alex Mowatt sees red on his Barnsley debut no more than two hours after we described his signing as "shrewd".

20.30 Here’s our Lord and Saviour Ian Holloway banging one out over Polish Pawel…

“It’s brilliant, brilliant news — just fantastic for QPR. Pawel has been wonderful for me since I’ve been back here so I’m absolutely delighted we’ve exercised the option. He’s a joy to work with every day. He’s a got a great footballing brain and it’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling to see him in full flight in the Hoops. What an amazing feeling it is as a manager to come in, not know someone as well as you’d like, and see them flourish. I can’t wait to see him go from strength-to-strength with us.” -Ian Holloway.


20.25 Brentford go 2-0 up against Villa. Steve Bruce immediately into the market for three more strikers as a result.

20.20 Championship done deals while Jim has been away having his sponge bath:

The highly rated, much sought after, often talked about, Gohi Cyriac is moving from Oostende to Fulham.

Gabriel Obertan is back in the British game, which I’m sure we’re all delighted about, joining Wigan from FC Anzhi Makhachkala just as soon as they’ve had the door widened enough for him to get his head through.

20.15 Our friends over at QPRNet are rather taken with our 19.51 update.

20.11 Stuart Attwell’s big return to the Premier League is going well at Boro v West Brom — one penalty awarded that wasn’t, one stone waller turned down. The shocks just keep coming.

20.10 This from Michel Ngonge’s post bag — contact details above.

”Chuffed with Pawel and Morrison signings and if Smith can get Connor scoring that's like having a new signing. If Carlsberg did transfer windows.....” -GlevumHoop

It’s the hope that kills you mate, don’t let it in.

20.03 As promised, goals from football matches.

Of relevance to QPR — the good people of Ipswich have gone out in the pissing rain and freezing cold only to have Derby Sheep shit on their heads. Big Shteve’s barmy army 2-0 up at Portman Road already.

Wolverhampton Wolves are winning at Barnsley as well.

Of no relevance, but still funny, the annual Arsenal melt is in full swing with Watford already two goals up.

20.00 — Three hours to go

QPR Headlines:

- Pawel permanent.

- Ravel’s just popped to the buffet car.

- More timesh for the Ruskki Caulkersh pushki shoveshki

Championship Headlines:

- Goalkeeper Tim Krul leaves Newcastle to join AZ Alkmaar

- Reading, busy today, may take Lewis Grabban on loan from Bournemouth.

- Mikail Mandron moves from Conference side Eastleigh to Championship Wigan

19.59 Some scores from some actual football coming your way after the headlines on the hour.

19.57 There's a woman doing the updates from Ipswich Derby (Derby are winning, so so she reckons). On Jim White day. Is nothing sacred?

19.54 This is much more like it, Jonnie Barnett with game face on...

19.51 Brazilian international (Gianni Paladini told me) Silva Santos, feeling QPR may be in the mood to do business, wasting no time with a pitch on the club's Facebook confirmation of the Wszolek deal.

19.45 Here's our Pawel's suspiciously flawless English following the completion of the deal, which ties him to QPR until 2019.

"“I am really pleased that there is a permanent deal with QPR. These last few months with QPR have been very enjoyable and I am really enjoying my football under the new manager. He has given me a licence to express myself and show what I am about as a player, and that is all you can ask for. I am really excited about the future with QPR — and hopefully we can build and progress as a club during my time here.” - Pawel Wzsolek

19.40 DONE DEAL Pawel Wzsolek, Verona to QPR, permanent

Well thank goodness for that. Both the deal, which is something of a coup given how the Polish international is playing, and the timing, coming just as we were wondering what the fucking hell we were going to do until 22.00 when Jim comes back with his rough glove.

Now we can spend the next 90 minutes, at least, talking about whether Wzsolek is posh or not.

19.35 And here's everybody's favourite jowelly wine chugger Sam Allardyce moaning that the actual football is once again getting in the way of the important business of deckchair shuffling and brown envelope passing...

"It's a mystery to me to be honest, a player asked me today if he was up for sale in the hotel before we came out, so it shows you the difficulties we have with speculation around today. He's in our team and our squad, that's the difficulty we face. I don't think there should be fixtures tonight or tomorrow, it should be left clear. When 23.00 passes I'll be grateful to get back to concentrating on football rather than spending hours and hours on the phone." - Big Sam Allardyce

19.30 Luckily we can rely on Charlie Nicholas to spout nonsense for us. Here he is on david Moyes’ magic carpet…

”He’s just saying, ‘it’s all I’ve got. I can’t throw any dice and say to you here’s a magic card, I don’t have a magic card, I don’t have a magic wand, I can only go with the budget I’ve got” -Charlie Nicholas

Which in turn means it’s time for this again.

19.25 They've taken Mad Jim and Toothy Gary away from us and replaced them with some actual football for the next three hours, which is presenting logistical challenges.

Meantime, here's an article from about Pawel Wszolek making his move to QPR permanent after the club activated a clause in his deal. The Polish winger was informed of this by Les Ferdinand before the director of football flew the squad up to Newcastle in his helicopter and is happy to stay, despite outlandish suggestions earlier today that he was interesting Chelsea.

The article sounds reasonably well connected, and carries a quote from fancily named gent, David Przemysław Pantak, who claims to by Wszolek's agent. "He is positive with how things have gone with the new coach and he is committed to helping the team in their promotion charge."

Yeh, about that promotion charge...

19.16 Love a good vote/referendum. Always turn out well.

19.05 Do feel free to get in touch, keep Michel Ngonge busy in the mail room. Contact details above. Theodore wants to engage us in some actual serious football chat, which we’re not entirely sure about, but here it is anyway.

19.00 — 4 hours to go

QPR News:

- #AnnounceRavel will mercifully soon become #AnnouncedRavel

- Nasser El Khayati may move to Den Haag in Holland permanently as opposed to Oxford on loan.

- Caulkershki mushki smushki bushki

Championship News:

- Sheff Wed agree £10m fee with Middlesbrough for Jordan Rhodes

- Matthew Taylor swaps Bristol Rovers for Bristol City — cars being turned over, shops looted.

- Cardiff recall Adam Le Fondre from loan deal at Wigan and send him straight back out to Bolton.

18.59 Goodness I've just realised we were operating on a delay having wound the tape back to check on Toothy Gary's last inane update from the car park at West Ham's shuttered training ground. Reset the game clock to 4 hours to go please and here are your headlines on the hour...

18.55 We all do Alex, we all do.

Taiwo signed for Lausanne on a six month deal yesterday.

18.48 Jim White stumbles across the studio to talk to the work experience boy about what Emoji best sums him up. The workie has been peddling this crap all day, hours of it in fact, but Jim says "I'm Jim White, welcome to deadline day" to him anyway. Jim's "social sentiment" is a face with love hearts for eyes apparently.

As if this wasn't cancer-inducing enough, we've moved into a new ad-buy time period and picked up the Go Compare testicle fest.

18.41 West London Sport now reporting that Dutch club Den Haag have joined Oxford United in the race to sign out-of-favour QPR winger Nasser El Khayati.

18.40 Reading and Derby now apparently joining Wigan in the race for Grimsby’s £1m-rated striker Omar Bogle.

Bogle has 19 goals for Town in 30 appearances this season, his first at Football League level, and is a raw, rangy target man with questionable technique but all the physical attributes. He previously scored prolificly in non-league football for Solihull Moors. Grimsby managed by our own former favourite Marcus Bignot currently.

18.34 About that goal record…

And while we’re with Simon…

18.30 Here’s our one confirmed new boy of the Deadline Day so far, Matt Smith, chittering on in a considered, suspiciously well PR’d, manner.

“QPR is a club with a terrific history and heritage so it’s a big honour for me to be a QPR player. I’m delighted to be here and want to take this fantastic opportunity with both hands. I want to get back playing regularly and help QPR win games. If my goals can contribute to that, then all the better, but as long as we’re winning games, that’s the most important thing. I can’t wait to experience what it will feel like to pull on a Rangers shirt and play in front of the fans at Loftus Road. I know I’ll be judged on my goal return, but I feel there’s more to my game than that — and having spoken to the manager at length before signing here, he does as well. I want my all-round game to improve here and I’m confident that’ll prove to be the case.” -Matt Barrington Smith

18.22 This from Michel Ngonge's post bag from TraininVain on the developments at Nottingham Trees...

"Nottingham Forest clearly unaware that Zach Clough and Nigel Clough are two different people" - TraininVain

18.16 If you thought that 17.09 load of tripe from Toothy Gary was a bit of a waste of everybody’s time and oxygen, you’ll be delighted to know he’s back to tell us the same story all over again.

“Well we had a bit of a flurry of activity a while ago when, perhaps, a bit of a hero of Deadline Day Dimitar Berbatov might be entering the fray. He’s reportedly on a plane to London, now in London, he’s without a club since leaving his club in Greece, free agent, 36, looking for a club. One thing is because he’s a free agent he doesn’t need to get the deal done by 23.00 tonight. The other thing is I’ve spoken to the senior people at West Ham and they say suggestions out there that he’s coming to West Ham are far of the mark. — Toothy Gary

18.12 "A huge sigh of release across Glasgow" Jim tells us as Moussa Dembele stays with Celtic. Filth.


18.02 Jordan Rhodes going to Sheff Wed for £10m highlighting just how ludicrous the idea QPR could have been in for him this window really was/is.

18.01 Christ on a tiny motorbike Jim White's arrived. Presumably forgoing the usual fanfare and shots of him arriving in the building because the actress they'd hired to play his wife got a part in The Bill at the eleventh hour. "It's all go," says Jim. Say it and it becomes true.

18.00 — 5 hours to go

QPR News:

- Reports report that Ravel Morrison has agreed personal terms on a loan deal from Lazio.

- The Wardrobe from Beauty and the Beast has signed from Fulham for £500,000 on a three and a half year deal.

- Steven Caulker pushki Ruski dealshki.

Other Championship News:

- Jordi Gomez leaves Wigan for Rayo Vallecano. Wigan trying to bring in Omar Bogle for a fee rising to £1m from Grimsby.

- Forest have two bids rejected for Bolton’s Zak Clough.

- Jerome Sinclair goes from Watford to Birmingham on loan.

17.58 And with that, as Sky move from a comparison of Mama Sakho's Football Managaer COMPUTER GAME stats to James Tomkins's Football Manager COMPUTER GAME stats to a debate about what Emojo is most appropriate for Ravel Morrison's move to QPR it's nearly time for the headlines on the hour. Some big news on Jordan Rhodes coming up apparently. We'll be the judge of exactly how big, actress, bishop, etc. Urgh, kill me now.

17.55 Ooooh, stand by your beds, socks on cocks.

17.52 "Right, enough of the boy with the fractured skull, what's going on at Manchester City's training ground?"

17.51 "We're just going to move away from the transfers for a moment". What? Fuck this. I didn't sign up for other news. Oh, wait, it's about Ryan Mason. Fair dos. Get well soon.

17.48 More on just how posh or otherwise Matt Smith might be.

Rather knocks Ravel Morrison’s 2:2 in Banter Studies from the University of Life into a cocked hat.

”Seriously wish I hadn't heard him speak now. Expected him to be from "you fookin bastad" country only to realise he'd be more at home reading a CBeeBies bedtime story. - LongSufferingR

17.40 Sky occasionally cut to woman called Valentina in a hotel bar in Milan where she reckons the entire Italian transfer window is conducted. Sporting a novelty Deirdre Barlow wig she seems very confident that Ravel Morrison has indeed moved from Lazio to our own Super Hoops.

17.37 Do stay tuned…

17.30 It's the Mail, so do check everything you're about to hear with a less vile outlet, but Ravel Morrison has allegedly agreed terms with QPR.

17.27 Nottingham Forest, still without a manager, have had a second bid rejected for Bolton’s Zak Clough.

17.23 More on that earlier clash between Palace chairman Steve Parish and a lamp post in (we think, sources suggest) Moorgate.

17.21 Fully 24 hours after Arsene Wenger said he wouldn't be buying anybody else this window, we're back to Arsenal for a hot update. Still nobody in apparently.

17.19 Sky reporter pretending to be on the phone. DRINK.

17.15 Nice of Steve Sayce to get in touch following our 16.15 tips for Steven Caulker’s Russian phrasebook.

Well @alansimps1984 has crunched his degree level Russian and tells us that “No officer I did not steal that cheese” is in fact Ни одно должностное лицо я никогда не воровал, что сыр.

17.09 If you like your “information” made up on the spot and your diarrhoea warm, here’s a treat for you. Described by Sky Bot 3.6 as an “interesting development”, and slightly later even more ridiculously as “news”, here’s Toothy Gary at West Ham’s training ground…

“It wouldn’t be Deadline Day without a hero, or even a villain would it? Peter Odemwingie, Robbie Keane, Ferando Torres, Robinho, all of the last minute dramas on Deadline Day. Of course, also famously, Dimitar Berbatov. Dimitar Berbatov is the centre of a bit more speculation this evening. If you look closely enough you can see rumours that’s, errr, on his way to England, or may have already arrived in England. He’s 36, he’s a free agent since leaving the Greek club PAOK. His agent’s telephone is ringing with an English ring tone I’m told, which is unusual. Suggestions he’s heading here to West Ham I’ve been told are 100% wide of the mark. Co-owner David Sullivan says no more business today. Errr, *pause*, Slaven Bilic drove past hours ago shouting at me to go home, go home, nothing more today. But Dimitar Berbatov apparently in this country, looking for a club. Will he feature today? Wouldn’t that be interesting? — Toothy Gary

17.05 No mail this hour. Bastards. We’ll fill the time recalling a classic from a previous blog — the time Martin Allen delivered Gillingham’s update from a push bike…

Tweet @loftforwords, e-mail, use the message board thread>, come to Whestone and see us. We’ll publish literally everything.

17.00 — 6 hours to go

QPR News:

- Matthew and Luke signed, awaiting a Mark and a John.

- Mide Shodipo and Axel Prohouly gone to Port Vale on loan. Poor little boys.

- Steven Caulker going to Russia. Not a drill.

Championship News:

- Bristol City complete signing of prolific striker Matty Taylor from city rivals Bristol Rovers.

- Marvin Emnes rejoins Blackburn on loan from Swansea.

- Wigan make a bid of £750,000 rising to £1m for Grimsby top scorer Omar Bogle

16.56 Right, quick ogle over those girls on the Visit California advert and we’ll be back with your headlines at 17.00.

16.50 Done Deal - Ashley Westwood, Villa to Burnley, £5m

Villa awash with midfielders after signing Henri Lansbury and Conor Hourihane. Sean Dyche always in the market for somebody who can "run like fuck".

Meanwhile, for reasons best known to Sky, former England cricketer Dominic Cork is providing the updates on Stoke City's business.

16.45 News just reaching us here that there is some actual football taking place tonight. Well if you’re still interested in that irrelevant twoddle while all this wonderous drama is unfolding before us then more fool you, but here are the fixtures for round 9,452 of the Mercantile Credit Trophy kicking off at 19.45 ONO.

Barnsley v Wolverhampton Wolves

Brum v Waitrose

Brentford v Leddersford

Wurzels v Sheffield Owls

Seventh Annual Neil Warnock Farewell Tour v Preston Knob End

Ipswich v Derby Sheep

Nottingham Trees v Relegated Rotherham

16.41 Personally I think Yemas Dildo is past his best...

16.35 Incidentally, if you are struggling to place Matt Smith’s accent let me help you — it’s educated (hat tip @TheSimonEvans).

16.30 It’s a three and a half year deal for Smith by the way. Here’s our Lord and Saviour Ian Holloway explaining the thinking…

“I think every team needs a big, strong centre-forward and Matt fits that bill for us. He’s hungry; he’s fresh; he’s honest; he’s hardworking; and he’s got a massive personality. He forces defences into mistakes by his sheer presence, look and size, but he’s more than that, because when he’s on song and scoring goals, there’s so much more to his game. His touch for a big man is absolutely exceptional. I think someone like Conor Washington will really benefit from Matt joining us, because he’ll allow us to play in a number of different styles, which is what you need in this division. I’m made up with him joining us — the deal we’ve agreed is sensational value for a player in this window.” -Ian Holloway

16.18 Done Deal - Matty Taylor leaves Bristol Rovers for Bristol City

Great goalscorer, linked with QPR, the first player to move across the city in that direction for some 30 years. City, on an eight match losing run in the league and 21st, will pair him with Tammy Abraham in what must be one of the division's hottest strike forces.

16.17 Steve Parish, pretending to be on his phone to avoid Sky questions about Sakho’s departure, walks into a lamppost on Moorgate.

16.15 Ahead of Steven Caulker’s proposed move to Lokomotiv Moscow, our own resident Russian speaker Simmo (@AlanSimps1984) has put together a useful cut-out-and-keep phrasebook for him to show people and point at…

Уч моего бедра — Ouch my hip

Где находится ближайший казино? — Where is the nearest Casino?

Каковы планы на рождественской вечеринке? — What are the plans for the Christmas party?

Я не пьян, ты пьян! Икота! - I'm not drunk, you're drunk.

16.10 It’s Phil Thompson in the studio now, which is wonderful news as it means we can dredge this one up…

16.07 Sky Sports Bot 3.6 declaring "anything can happen on Deadline Day" while nothing at all is happening. DRINK.

16.05 I can hear Michel Ngonge lumbering up from the post room with his over-sized sack. What do we have here. This one sent in by sea plane from Lloydy. Feel free to get stuck into answers on these…

”Why is Ian Holloway apparently now in charge of panic buying?

Will Les Ferdinand get the blame for the lumbering fools anyway? (despite the clear improvement in his dealings over the last year or so)

Will they ever learn?

The last two might be rhetorical.” — Lloydy

16.00 — 7 hours left

QPR News:

- Smith in from Fulham. Church restless.

- Steven Caulker discussing a move to Lokomotiv Moscow

- #AnnounceRavel

Championship News:

- Aston Villa continue to keep the spending tight and considered by agreeing a £12m up front fee with Brentford for Scott Hogan.

- Leicester’s Callum Elder follows team mate Matty James to Barnsley, who have also picked up Alex Mowatt from Leeds very cheaply. Shrewd stuff.

- Brentford sign Sergi Canos from Norwich for club record £2.5m.

15.55 Sky telling us it’s rarely a busy transfer window in Germany. Bloody sensible fools.

Fear not though, the madness continues in Russia until February 21 and China until February 28 so you can still drop your crocks off with a receipt for another few weeks yet. The Jiansung Jizzwizzards have taken early advantage of this by confirming a £20m deal for Ighalo from Watford.

Not sure of the date in Turkey — another key dumping ground.

15.51 Clearly the median income/age of SSN daytime viewers has increased dramatically since we last did this. Back then it was Michael Parkinson offering you a free Parker pen if you trusted him with a life insurance policy, as well a host of pay day loans. Currently we’re being pushed Audis, foreign holidays with Expedia, and Wrigley’s Chewing Gum (other chewing gum is available). Or join the Navy because you get to play rugby*.

*Some war may also occur.

15.49 "LFW transfer blog noticing that our new victim of industrial forum snobbery Mathieu "Matt" Smith is actually really very quite posh." -Rsonist

15.47 “Arsene Wenger has told us categorically that there will be no new signings at Arsenal this window.” But here we go to the Emirates Stadium for the second time this hour in any case. #news

15.45 Regular reader (one of the two) David Condon Tweets us to say he’s still confident of passing his QPR medical this afternoon. We’ve certainly passed worse…

15.35: This from Charlton Athletic journo Kaylee Seckington…

15.30 I have just clocked that Sky are running Tweets to #deadlineday as live on the screen behind Don Goodman/Tina Turner’s barnet. All kinds of potential there.

15.21 Still, could be worse… poor old Mide Shodipo and Axel Prohouly have had to go to Port Vale.

15.20 This Steven Caulker to Lokomotiv Moscow deal has come out of left field a bit. Caulker, apparently laid up with a bad hip injury for three months but now suddenly capable of passing a medical, would complete the not insignificant feat of being more of a pillock than even I thought he was by moving to Russia.

It would, of course, represent the last of the humongous wage packets shifted from the club’s bill following the lancing of Sandro earlier in the window and leave us only with the sizeable ones.

15.10 Do get involved in Bazza’s crucial message board poll if you can. Ravel Morrison…

15.05 God bless those of you who’ve been in touch already. Michel Ngonge just hobbled in from the mail room with the following…

Extensive research suggests that Matt Smith represents a 6 cm improvement on Seb. Just think of all those additional hopeless long balls he'll be able to get that slab of a forehead on. — Andrew Ryan

Bit of background on our new striker. He’s a local lad that went to posh private school “Pates” in Cheltenham. He was on the Cheltenham Town books as a kid but deemed not good enough and bombed out at any early age. — Mark Manning (who has letters after his name)

15.03: Gratuitous shot of a Sky reporter pretending to be on the phone — DRINK.


QPR News:

- Matt Smith signing from Fulham confirmed for an initial £500,000

- Reports say Ravel Morrison deal stalled by wage demands, Ravel Morrison says otherwise

- Three juniors leave on loan.

Other Championship news:

- Yanic Wildschut goes from Wigan to Norwich for £7m.

- Reece Oxford joins Reading on loan from West Ham.

- Ashley Westwood leaves Villa for Burnley.

One hour done, no problem at all. Eight to go.

14.55 Spotter’s badge to London_Pride who just banged on the front door to point out that QPR’s emailed announcement of the Luke Freeman deal came with a picture of Matt Smith. “One only hopes Holloway can tell them apart”. Indeed. Shouldn’t be hard. One is nearly eight foot tall and the other looks like Sally Gunnell after a particularly traumatic colonic irrigation session.

14.50: “Don’t forget you can keep across all the deadline day news from Scotland at our Sky Scotland Twitter feed…” Do your own joke for that.

14.47: And here’s Matt Smith being a bloody lovely fella/captain of the university rowing club.

14.45: Here’s our popular resident Fulham fan Konk on Matt Smith…

”Decent bloke and a worker, but he makes Chris Martin look like a model of mobility and pace. The archetypal lump, he looks absolutely knackered after half a game. That said, we’ve never really played to his strengths and if you were going to lump balls into the box, you might get somewhere. He certainly occupies a centre back because of the potential to cause problems. Not personally convinced by comparisons with Zamora as Zamora had a lot more about him — the same strength, better touch, better finishing and much more movement. I don’t dislike Smith, but reckon top of League 1 or bottom of the Championship is probably his limit.” — Konk

14.34: Shot of Toothy Gary’s lunch at West Ham. Now we’re going to “find out what they’re having for lunch at Bournemouth”. Rocky Road apparently. Fuck it’s going to be a long afternoon this. Whose idea was this?

14.32: Early doors yet (as big Ron would have said, before something hideously racist no doubt) but Thierry Henry has already forgotten the names of all the Premier League footballers and the presenters have stopped listening to him.

14.30: So a signing, and a striker at that, everybody’s thrilled aren’t they? Yes, look how thrilled they are.

“So are we going to sign a striker who can't score? Brilliant. I don't think FFP is to blame to this extent, I think we're being incredibly tight our money. Can't really claim to know much about this fella, so hopefully he'll do an Alex Smithies, but I've only ever known him to be poor.” -TimCocking

Do love a comment that admits to knowing nothing about the player before giving him a panning.

”Typical Holloway "hoofball" merchant. I assume this is to back-up Sylla who had the worst 90mins I have witnessed by a R's player on Sat for sometime.” -BostonR

”I'm in favour. Been saying for weeks, we need a big fecker up top to hold it up, make it stick, and get on the end of crosses. If he can do that, great. Don't care if he's slow or immobile. This fits our needs.” -Hunter

QPR done deal - Matt Smith (Fulham) £500k

Everybody's favourite lumbering target man Matt Smith has arrived from neighbours Fulham to replace everybody's previous favourite lumbering target man Seb Polter.

14.15 Favourite story of the day so far - Scunthorpe have turned down £4m from a Chinese club for Kevin Van Veen (like a League 1 Tjaronn Chery) and are holding out for £8m. The whole town is probably worth about £750,000, maybe they should just buy that instead.

14.10 Man at Leicester reporting on Leonardo Ulloa's potential move to Sunderland helpfully tells us that "nobody here, none of my sources, are telling me anything". Then sets off on a hypothetical tale of Ulloa's returning to Leicester in Sunderland colours in a match four weeks from now and scoring the winner.

14.05: The QPR social media world has gone into full #announceRavel mode for the seventh window in a row. Sky, and the ever reliable Dave Mc, say wages are a stumbling point. Morrison himself, says otherwise...


QPR News:

- Ravel Morrison continues to be linked with a move from Lazio, possibly on loan, but only if he drops his wage demands.

- An initial fee of £500,000 has been agreed with Fulham for Matt Smith.

- Mide Shodipo, Axel Prohouly and Osman Kakay have all left on loan.

News elsewhere:

- Glenn Murray has made his move to Brighton permanent.

- Jordan Mutch is moving from Palace to Reading on loan.

- Alex Bruce is leaving Hull to join Wigan.


A few years ago, when LoftforWords, was actually good, we decided to do a live blog of the transfer window. This basically consisted of the vast team that puts this site together gathering in Andy Hillman’s house to publish libellous statements and get drunk while Andy barbecued. By the time we’d been doing it for a few years the blogs were bringing in 145,000 page impressions in eight hours and melting the servers — this was enough for us to pay for two and a half rounds of drinks in the Crown and Sceptre.

However, LFW’s official counsel (not a salaried position) dropped into conversation one day that repeatedly accusing the biggest pay TV broadcaster in Europe of making stuff up and then encouraging people to bet on whether it was a lie or not through their associated bookmaking service was “among the stupidest ideas you’ve had”. Plus the novelty of watching Mark Hughes, Kia Joorabchian, Harry Redknapp and Willie McKay trying to bankrupt your club against the clock wore off after a while. So we stopped.

But, good news (for the three of

Photo: Action Images

Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.

Myke added 14:25 - Jan 31
My daughter's boyfriend's sister has in on good authority from her nail manicurist that Morrison will only rejoin QPR if the club reappoint Hughes as manager and replace Ferdinand as Director of Football with Harry Rednapp

pedrosqpr added 14:54 - Jan 31
I heard Chris Samba is coming today , seriously Matt Smith for the small fee is an easy one , everyone needs a target man right ?

SimonJames added 15:55 - Jan 31
Yeah, I've missed your DD comedy melodrama.

pedrosqpr added 16:48 - Jan 31
Pawel to Chelski ha?

traininvain added 18:12 - Jan 31
Nottingham Forest clearly unaware that Zach Clough and Nigel Clough are two different people

Kensal_Ranger added 19:02 - Jan 31
Re: Omar Bogle free-scoring for Solihull Moors, that's one of The Wardrobe's old clubs.
Just saying...

SimonJames added 00:25 - Feb 1
Awesome job LFW team. Kept me laughing all day.

CiderwithRsie added 11:19 - Feb 1
Matt Smith may have gone to Pates school in Cheltenham but it isn't private, its a state grammar - my daughter goes there and I can promise you that if the fees were 50p a week I couldn't afford them right now.

It is however quite posh as rich skinflints have worked out that the education is better than most public schools and so sending your kids there saves you a fortune. Its ferociously competitive which suggests that he is (whisper it) actually quite bright. Probably what makes him so slow, brain still engaged with 12th century Latvian literature or something instead of actual football.

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