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Most Obvious Lies You Got People To Believe
at 20:52 14 Jul 2022

My wife: told her the music from the game Tetris was, in fact, the Russian national anthem. She has a PhD.
My son: snooker is named after the game's inventor, Bob Snooker.
My daughter: Bob Ross is Greta Thunberg's dad.
My nieces: honey is collected by milking bees with little tweezers.
The whole of Year 9: the EU is forcing us to adopt decimal time, so anyone born in July or August will have to repeat the year as they weren't going to be part of the new 10 month calendar (this was a few years ago).

Any more?
[Post edited 14 Jul 20:54]
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Challenging Conventional Wisdom
at 18:08 29 May 2022

Is no news good news?
Should duchies only be passed on the left-hand side?
Can you mix pasta and anti pasta?
Can you be gruntled?
What would happen if Meatloaf did 'that'?
White shirt with blue hoops or blue shirt with white hoops?
Forum
Thread
Sky Narrative
at 22:07 18 Apr 2022

Far be it from me to play the Voice of Doom* but now Wayne 'All My Own Hair' Rooney's Derby have been relegated, do we pick up Sky's unfettered anus yodelling in a nightmarish 'winner stays on' scenario? Because, frankly, if that's the case THE CURSE will just about finish us off. Expect to see Luke Amos afflicted with a plague of boils, Warburton's piles upgraded from 'dodgy' to 'galloping' and the Ellerslie Road bogs actually becoming a genuine bog. Dykes will have one tattoo too many and will be filed as a missing person. I mean given the choice, I'd skip it.



* Or the Crack of Doom for that matter
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I Like Dom Ball
at 17:01 26 Mar 2022

To most people on here, this is not news. I basically mention him every week, spreading lies, half-truths and outright bullshit about his latest art installations, spoken word albums etc. Again, not news. However, I don't think I've ever explained why.

Je suis Dom Ball.

No, seriously. I am not Dom Ball in the literal sense but I feel like Dom Ball represents us better than just about anyone I can think of since than Ollie's first stint. Dom is not the most naturally-gifted player but the way he approaches each game is exactly the way any one of us would. Imagine it: we get the call. 'Dorse, Yoann's injured today but he reckons you could do a shift. What do you reckon? You up for it?'

F U C K Y E S B O S S

That's Dom. Right back? Give it a go. Defensive mid? I could do that. You get feeling that if Warbs asked him to guard a tree in his garden overnight, Dom would be putting on his shinpads and headtorch before he'd finished speaking. And that'd be me too. If I got the chance to pull in the hoops - just once! -I'd play exactly like him. Like the luckiest bloke in the world. Like a guy who has been told to enjoy it, you might never do this again.

I would also get a yellow card in the first 8 seconds (due to overexcitement). Dom, I get it mate. I really do.

Look at his face throughout the second half when he got called on to replace Barbet: he looked like he was having the time of his life. 'Dom? Scarlett Johansen's on the phone for you'. In a minute, tell her I'm busy.

Added to this, when he's not being who I would want to be on the field, he's being who I would want to be off it. Community work, food banks. The Dominator even won an award for it last season. Think about it: the only QPR player who won anything last season was Dom Ball. I mean, apart from the unofficial Smelliest Dump of the Year award that went to Ozzie Kakay after the team visited Fatty Amal's Kebab House.

Finally, I would argue that he has everything required to be considered a cult hero. Firstly, other clubs don't get what we see in him. Secondly, he never let's us down even when he's not the best player out there: we never expected him to be. Third, he would run through a burning brick wall, before crawling (on fire) over broken glass with his flies unzipped, simply to put lolly sticks in shit for this funny little club. He is the complete antithesis of people like comedy Frenchman Joe E Bartonne, or Armand Traore. Sirs, I submit to you that if Bircham is a club legend, the so is Dom Ball.

That is why I keep making up stuff about him. My whole schtick has Dom doing his absolute best to entertain, most often not really understanding what people want but never giving up or backing down. You paid to see Dom, and by God, your going to get the whole show.

I want to live in a world where Dom Ball is a QPR player.
Forum
Thread
Film Or TV Titles Guaranteed To Disappoint Teenage Boys
at 18:28 11 Mar 2022

Loose Women
Lord of the Rings
Fifteen To One
Forum
Thread
Cardiff Match Fred
at 08:15 5 Mar 2022

Founded in 1972, as a result of an alliance formed when Tom Jones married Shirley Bassey, Cardiff has long been regarded as the finest example of something or other in Europe. The city was boosted by the BBC decision to film Doctor Who there, using many of the resident Daleks as extras. The Cardiff Lucky Dragon City Birds FC play QPR today, in an international clash that carries the hopes of a nation. Wales expects (except Swansea).

3-0 to the Rs. A massacre in which they'll be lucky to get nil.

Dom Ball to unveil his new plasticine artwork entitled 'Green Dobber'.
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The Bournemouth Ultimatum Match Thread
at 09:27 27 Dec 2021

With our hangovers now officially classified as 'hangunders' and our blood now containing dangerous levels of turkey, tonight is the perfect time to add the 90 mins of heart strain that is watching QPR. Refereed by Keith Stroud. Live on Sky.

I hope you've all made wills.

Team news: QPR will be the ones in hoops. It is not confirmed whether Bournemouth will play skins. Dom Ball has been asked not to repeat his epic Christmas Day charade of 'No Sex Please We're British'.
Forum
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Christmas Songs You've Ruined
at 23:11 20 Dec 2021

By changing the lyrics, ideally. I mean, you could have ruined them by puking over the householder whilst carol singing, belched the chorus during Midnight Mass etc. Anyway, two stand out for me.

The first was 'Good King Wenceslas', wherein the poor man came in sight 'playing with his tooo-oooo-elll'. Whilst the second was when my brother and I enthusiastically declared that Santa Claus, rather than 'coming to town', was in fact 'bumming a clown'. Our Mum threatened to throw us out of the house: we beat a tactical retreat whilst claiming a moral victory.*

Any other serial song ruiners out there?

* Edit: full disclosure, we were both in our late 20s at the time and had got on the outside of about a crate of Farmer O'Grady's Genuine Ye Olde Cooking Lager, or whatever cheap rubbish the Old Man had bought by this point.
[Post edited 20 Dec 2021 23:18]
Forum
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Dangerous Activities
at 21:11 5 Oct 2021

Booping a crocodile
Butt-chugging tabasco
Giving Jordy de Wijs a wedgie
Forum
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The Important Question
at 19:22 17 Sep 2021

Does PinnerPaul get the job (unpaid) of Chief Match Thread Starter for Saturday? That's right, we're unafraid to tackle the real issues here.
Forum
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Crisis As Rangers Ace Hits Goal Drought
at 23:11 18 Aug 2021

#prayfordickie
[Post edited 18 Aug 2021 23:12]
Forum
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Dom Ball - Top Fella
at 12:56 13 May 2021

I know I poke fun at Dom Ball, primarily because he plays like someone who's won a prize to be there, but he's got more going on:

https://www.qpr.co.uk/news/community-news/dominic-ball-wins-pfa-community-champi

Take a bow Dom Ball, PFA Community Champion. To nick Clive's phrase: 'Stand up Dom. Everybody look at Dom'.
Forum
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The Early Edition Muck, Nettles and Sharon Match Thread
at 12:35 16 Apr 2021

Well-loved, fondly remembered former manager, leading out a new shiny squad against us after repeatedly retiring from the game? This would normally raise a few eyebrows but not in this case as Neil Warnock hasn't got any.

His eyebrows have been missing since 1989 but there have been several sightings in recent years, most notably they were thought to have been spotted replacing Mo Farah's moustache in 2012.

8-0 Rangers. Warnock to retire at half time and rejoin the club in the 47th minute for one more go at promotion. Dom Ball gets sent off for karate chopping himself in the face.
Forum
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The Early Edition 'Footballers, Sir. Thousands of Them...' Match Thread
at 14:09 4 Apr 2021

Currently, the UN recognises 195 countries, with a world population of 7.8 billion, representing thousands of different cultures, traditions and languages. Our differences are many, however, there is one thing that unites the entire human race: the fact that Nottingham Forest's squad contains at least one representative of each of the world's nations. Like some latter day Noah's ark, Forest has chosen to gather two of every culture, preserving the essence of humanity in case of cataclysm.

Can QPR's rag tag collection of waifs, strays and Dom Ball make any impact on this cast of thousands?

Definitely. 2-0 Rangers.
Forum
Thread
Warb's Halftime Talk?
at 03:18 18 Mar 2021

'Well, gentlemen. I think they've been given enough hope now, don't you...?

Begin Operation Mindfcuk'.
Forum
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The Really Early 'FredManRave Made Me Do It' Barnstoneworth United Match Thread
at 11:22 1 Mar 2021

It was 1874 and Zebediah Ivanhoe Scrimshaw was reeling after being laid off from Bickerthwaites Clog Factory after 10 years service.
'Unemployed. On t'scrag 'eap at the age o' 17' he sighed to Hector his faithful whippet as he trudged wearily down roads that would later be copyrighted by Hovis.* Even putting another ferret down his trousers couldn't lift his gloom. It helped but only briefly. It were no good. He'd heard that a young man of action could make his fortune down int' that there London - mebbe there'd be a place for a lad such as him, a hearty cherub of a lad with only a hint of tuberculosis, a squint and an orthapaedic clog. He packed his bag, said goodbye to his 19 siblings and got onto the first train South...

Today, visitors from Barnsley are equally as dazzled by the sights, sounds and smells of that there London. The running water. The electricity. The complete lack of incesant brass band music. It all adds up to a heady assault on the senses. And yet, the hopes and dreams of Zebediah Ivanhoe Scrimshaw are still very much evident in the coal-streaked faces of the Barnsley team that come looking for fame, glory or a chip and gravy barm cake. As manager Valerian Ismael says 'It'd be easer for a Grimethorpe pigeon fancier t' gerrint Belper whippet racin' club'house than t' gerra win theer'.

2-0 Rangers.



* Even though they were actually in Shaftesbury.
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