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Tory Leadership Race
at 09:57 31 May 2019

Not a party political thing or a reason for an LFW punch-up, but I keep having the eerie feeling that eventually every single Tory MP will put themselves forward leaving Teresa May with the casting vote. At which point, she cackles maniacally and slowly points at Jacob Rees Mogg sitting at the back, with the entire parliamentary party turning to stare at him... He is seen to gulp and mutter 'Oh, copulate my happenstance'
The Needlessly Provocative Thread
at 14:24 25 May 2019

'No offence, but...'
Terms That Best Sum Up The Season
at 18:10 5 May 2019

Why I Hate Everything By Dorse 'Dorsey' McDorseface Jr
at 11:31 23 Apr 2019

1. Everything deserves it.
2. See 1.
3. I am a QPR fan. We embrace the first noble truth of the Buddha that 'all existence is suffering'. In fact, we bastard well embody it.
A Few Beers
at 22:34 18 Apr 2019

And listening to dub at unreasonable volume since the rest of Clan Dorse are camping in some foul hellhole* for the night. Fcuking brilliant. And the day off tomorrow!

We should all give thanks to the Easter Bunny for laying the chocolate egg so that the slaves in Babylon could get the weekend off (or something).

Drunk posting: the sport of kings.

* That is to say, any campsite in the whole of the universe as far as I'm concerned. By the way, what is it about caravan owners? They all seem like the sort of grim, sinister-looking couples that look like they engage in regular, poorly-lit suburban swinging with other grim, sinister-looking couples.
Swanee The Swansea Swan Match Fred
at 12:43 13 Apr 2019

Right. You know the drill. LFW Bingo:

Bummed in the gob.
Lynch trying to get sent off.
Boiling Piss.
Chaps my arse.
Why the fcuk is he not playing BOS?
John Useless.


Actually, I am strangely positive about this match. I have no idea why. Perhaps it is lack of sleep after getting back from my gig at 1.30AM and being woken up by my daughter Tantor at 6AM. I explained to her that she and I would be taking an exciting trip to the orphanage later.

3-0 to the good guys. Manning to get one.
[Post edited 13 Apr 12:44]
Things, Up With Which I Will Not Put.
at 12:53 8 Apr 2019

Playing out from the back with split centrebacks.
Short corners.
An offside trap that relies on a 78 year old full back getting up in time.
Surrendering initiative at home, especially to teams that need a flashlight and a map in order to find their arses with both hands.
Surprise Attack Dooms Us All
at 16:12 5 Apr 2019
The 'Fcuk It, I'll Do It' Hull Match Fred
at 12:48 16 Mar 2019

Look, I'll level with you. The last time I started a match thread, we got bummed so hard in the gob that, by the end, we could no longer feel it. After that, I decided not to start another thread as I felt responsible for turning the club into a gurning, toothless jizz-jar.

So, with that in mind, I don't feel that my starting a match thread can make things any worse, as things stand.

I reckon we'll line up: Lumley; Furlong, Leistner, Hall, Bidwell; Luongo, Cousins; BOS, Freeman, Eze: Wells.

I also reckon we will get reamed out.
No Words
at 07:47 14 Mar 2019

[Post edited 14 Mar 7:54]
Careful Clive - They May Be On To You
at 10:28 8 Mar 2019

It occurred to me earlier that GCHQ monitor certain trigger words such as 'attack' 'defence' 'destroy' etc, which made me wonder whether LFW is currently being watched. Based on the past few weeks, I reckon they probably think there is a plot called 'Operation Bummed In The Gob' which involves a heat ray that boils people's piss.

We're through the looking glass here people.
Unusual Sightings
at 10:02 21 Feb 2019

No, not the usual 'Sean Goss photographed with Bigfoot' schtick. I just saw a young lad, aged about 14 walking down the road wearing a trenchcoat and using one of those tartan wheelie shopping trolleys.
Freed Up To Concentrate On The League
at 08:17 18 Feb 2019

Whilst the recent results have been gob-bummular in nature, the loss / FA Cup win (based on handicap) will, at the very least, give the club the opportunity to focus fully on winning the Championship.

What? No, I'm not. I have something in my eye.
[Post edited 18 Feb 8:18]
What's Up With Scowen?
at 09:57 21 Jan 2019

Last season, I'd have had Scowen down first on the team sheet. This season, he seems like a completely different player. I can only put it down to the lack of a moustache. Perhaps it was the source of his powers.
Can't Stop Listening To This...
at 13:39 19 Jan 2019

'Who knew...? They got the experts in!'
Transfer Window
at 12:38 11 Jan 2019

I could get used to this.

A nice, sedate transfer window with no shrieking cretins from Sky stationed outside LR, giving dead cert tips about Lionel Messi being spotted in a Chicken Cottage on the Uxbridge road wearing the 1984 Guiness kit.

I do, however, miss the unprovoked dildo assaults responsible for creating a seasonal NHS crisis as reporters are rushed into surgery to remove various foreign objects:

'We seem to be having trouble with the sound on your report'
'No, that buzzing is the 18" 1400rpm Super Schlong stuck in my ear'.
Strange Omens
at 22:07 6 Jan 2019

Away wins
Beating Forest away
A 3rd round Cup win

Look for the Thames to turn to Peroni, Piers Morgan to marry a horse and the female cast of Strictly demanding my phone number.
Christmas Jokes - Frankly Awful
at 18:17 3 Dec 2018

Someone has taken my Christmas cake. I think it might be stollen.
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