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Tottenham v Newcastle friendly
at 06:56 17 May 2024

With all the big clubs agreed that players are being forced to play too many games, it's cheering to see that with the PL season ending at 6pm on Sunday, Tottenham and Chelsea are flying to Australia to play in an exhibition match in Melbourne on Wednesday, with a 10:45am BST kick-off.

Hopefully scrapping FA cup replays will mean more wealthy clubs are able to play games on the other side of the world, 10 minutes after a long, gruelling domestic season has finished.

Aaron Ramsdale - abuse in football
at 00:18 4 Aug 2023

Really nice piece from Aaron Ramsdale. Top man. Be nice to think a few blokes might read this and think about things.
[Post edited 4 Aug 2023 0:19]
New Brentford film in the pipeline
at 12:13 7 Apr 2021

It's not out at the cinema until early 2022, but a mate at the BFI sent me over some stills from the new Daniel Day-Lewis film. It concerns one of the great miscarriages of justice, namely the case of the Brentford First XI and the Football Authorities refusal to award points for artistic merit and goal-scoring opportunities.

"Thomas, I'm telling you, I think they're going to insist on tallying-up the points at the end of the season"
"So you keep saying, but I believe in justice."

"Thomas, We've spoken to the league - they're insisting that it's 3 points for an actual win. As your solicitor, I would strongly advise you to start scoring more actual goals than your opponents. And quickly."

"But we put together a 42 pass move, last week? Did they even acknowledge that?"

"Watch the fu cking telly! Watch the fu cking telly! Did you see that? I said, did you fu cking see that? That great big up-and-under goal from Barnsley? Well, it won them the fu cking game, son!"

"Why are you saying that? Why are you doing this to me? We had 72% possession and 16 good goal-scoring opportunities. We didn't lose the game. I don't care what you say - you can do what you want to me - I won't admit we lost today. We won! We won! We won!"

"Tomorrow's the tribunal, Thomas; are you sure you want to go through with this? It's getting embarrassing now"
"Absolutely, we have statistics on our side. We can't give up now"

"So, I put it to you, Ladies and Gentlemen of the panel, that it is not goals scored within the ninety minutes which should determine the number of points awarded at the conclusion of a match, but rather the ExG statistics and a number of other metrics..."

"What's going on? What are they saying?"
"Be patient, Thomas. The panel are considering whether the precedent of awarding 3 points for scoring more goals than the opposition in a match can be overturned in our favour"

"I just don't get it - it's almost like they see goal scoring opportunities as less important than actual goals scored and conceded. It's like they don't understand basic statistical analysis."

Massive QPR dilemma - What would you do?
at 09:55 11 Mar 2021

You meet a witch in the White Horse, you get chatting, buy her a couple of drinks, the conversation turns to football, and she makes a proposition. She will cast a spell to guarantee that QPR will win the league once every five years for the rest of your life, with two FA cups thrown in every decade. The witch will also transform Loftus Road into a 30,000 stadium with loads of legroom. In return, you have to get her another drink, a bag of nuts, and promise to do the following:

1) You cannot tell anyone about the deal you’ve made with the witch.
2) You will never go to watch Rangers again. Ever. You can’t even watch them on the telly.
3) You have to spend the rest of your life wearing a Chelsea shirt, Chelsea tracksuit bottoms and a Chelsea puffa jacket. Even when it’s hot. If you have to wear a suit for a wedding/funeral/christening, you have to wear a Chelsea tie, tie-pin and cuff-links.
4) If anyone asks which team you support, you have to say, “I'm a massive Chelsea fan”.
5) You have to go down the pub to watch every Chelsea game, and when Chelsea score, you have to march round the pub singing “Blue is the colour” whilst pretending to play a big bass drum.
6) Any time Chelsea get to a cup final, you have to go down the pub with celery taped to your head, and push a lawn mower round the pub singing, “Ten men went to mow…”, all fu cking game.

If you willingly breach any of these conditions, QPR will never score another goal.

What would you do? Would you make that deal or would you walk away? If you'd walk away, why?
[Post edited 11 Mar 2021 10:00]
Jizz Hornkamp - best footballer's name of all time?
at 10:30 31 Jan 2021

I'm changing my name to Jizz Hornkamp, first thing on Monday morning. Such a great name.
Shoes-on or shoes-off indoors?
at 05:51 2 Jan 2021

I saw a Twitter thread on this, and it seems a very divisive subject - some folk are very defensive about their right to walk filth through other people’s homes. I grew-up in a house where you took your shoes-off at the door, and we were taught to remove our shoes at other people’s homes regardless of what the hosts did.

I reckon 90% of homes that I visit operate a shoes-off policy. That said, our current house was so filthy when we moved in that for the first couple of days I wore shoes everywhere but bed. The downstairs bog had cork tiles on the floor that were so sticky, I wore an old pair of trainers when I was cleaning it.

If I’m watching the telly and someone is lying on a sofa, on a bed, or has their feet on a table, and they’re wearing shoes, it makes me feel quite anxious. I automatically imagine them standing in a puddle of pi ss in the bogs at the football, or at the trough in a pub’s khazi, or unknowingly traipsing through dog s hit on the way home from standing in pi ss at the football. It’s rank.

I can understand people with pets keeping their shoes on, because I’ve stepped in puddles of cat pi ss at my mate’s house: it’s grim, and slippers in pet pis s would be heartbreaking; it’s bad enough in socks. For pet owners, it’s a case of in for a penny, in for a pound, because if you already have a cat or a dog wiping it’s anus and genitals on your bed linen and spreading pet filth everywhere, why bother taking your shoes-off? I’m fine with that if you have an animal in the house - it’s the no pets, but keep your shoes on mob that I don’t understand.

We have a light-coloured carpet on our stairs and throughout upstairs. Leaving the house the other day, I realised that I’d left my wallet in my bedroom. I couldn’t be arsed to take my boots off, so I went and collected my wallet on my knees. Took ages, and sparked an argument with my wife. Next time, I’ll just take them off, but there was no way I was walking around the house in boots.

After years of rolling my eyes at my parents for doing it, I’m now at the age whereby if we’re away at friends or family for the night, we’ll often take our slippers with us. I am my father’s son. My in-laws have “house shoes” which are outdoor shoes they only wear inside - which is just weird, as that’s what slippers are for.

Shoes-on or shoes-off?
What sort of manager would you be?
at 11:58 9 Nov 2020

After putting it off for years and making excuses, I have finally decided to become a football manager/head coach. With interviews in mind, I’ve been giving a bit of thought to what sort of manager I want to be, what sort of football I want my team to play, and how I can raise my profile within the game, even if things are going sh it on the pitch.

Managing style: Good natured, but don’t take the pi ss, because I will fight you, fine you, and fuc k you. You can call me ‘Konk’, and you can talk to me about anything - including problems with your privates - but the players need to listen and follow instructions. No players on social media, no sex videos, no Chelsea fans on the books (and I will find out if they are), no players going on holiday to anywhere full of divs, and no-one driving a silly car until they’ve won 80 international caps. Black boots — everyone wears black boots until they’ve won 80 caps. Other than that, crack-on.

Playing philosophy: Pace, pace, width and pace. Realistically, there’s a good chance I’ll be starting out with a team outside the Premier League, so I can’t go as technical as I’d like, initially. I’m gonna give youth a chance and sign some experienced older heads to play CB and CM. I’ll have two speed merchants up front, and 9st, 18 year old wizards on either wing. John Burridge in goal. Seven of the team will have been born at the local hospital and grown-up supporting the club. They get the club. The fans love it.

Pre-match talks: Play the Al Pacino bit from ‘Any given Sunday’ before every game even if it’s Morecombe at home in the League cup. ‘Gladiator’ at half-time along with Survivor's ‘Eye of the Tiger’ video, and CCTV footage of people scrapping in kebab shops and pub car parks etc to get everyone fired-up before derbies.
Before cup finals, get John Burridge to read out the whole of Shakespeare's Henry V in the changing room, and some local sea cadets to semaphore "[Insert name of club here] expects that every man will do his duty". Have a piper lead us out of the changing room and out into the tunnel.

Music on the coach: My music. Unless we win by four goals, in which case everyone gets to take it in turns to choose a song. Fish and chips and beer on the way back from away games. No headphones or looking at phones.

Christmas do: Local cricket club, buffet, I’ll stick £500 behind the bar, invite public sector workers, stevedores, miners and steeple-jacks to mingle with the players and coaching staff. We're part of the community. No fancy Dans and no fancy dress.

Affirmative messages stuck on walls everywhere:
Play to win. Win to play.
Outplayed, but never outfought.
Goals. Goals. Goals.
Clatter. Smash. Destroy.
It’s a sin, if you don’t whip it in.

Novelty seating: Graham Taylor with the soft-top dugouts at Watford. Marcelo Bielsa with his blue bucket. I’m drawn to either a rocking horse or a rocking chair. Probably go with the rocking horse.

Clothing: Brian Clough had his iconic green sweatshirt; I’m going with a balaclava. Whatever the weather, I’ll wear it on matchdays, at training, and in press conferences. All the fu cking time. I’ll be the Banksy of football, and the whole football world will speculate endlessly as to my real identity.

Tony Pullis had his baseball cap, and I’m going with a cowboy hat, but rather than having a sheriff’s badge on the front, it will have the club crest. Nice touch. I’m not going to wear training gear unless I’m at the training ground, and I’m not going to wear a suit unless it’s leading the team out at Wembley. I’m thinking smart and understated, so Smedley knitwear, Norse Project chino-y-things, white trainers and if it’s cold, I’ll wear my big NP winter coat and a vest.

Hair: Joe Bryan’s barnet. Obvs. Not that anyone will see it under the balaclava and cowboy hat.

PR/Relatability: When I’m appointed, I will talk about the working class, hard-working fanbase full of grafters, who live for their club in a way that no other fan base do. I will say this whether it’s Sunderland or St. Albans City. I will travel to games on public transport, on foot or by bike. No easing my way through the traffic in a £100k car for me. Partly because I can’t drive, but partly because I’m just an ordinary down-to-earth bloke. This will strike a man-of-the-people note. I will visit every school, hospital, pub, factory and community centre within twenty miles of the club to energise the fan base and tell them about my philosophy (pace, pace, width, and pace).

If any kid knocks on my door for an autograph, I will invite them in, give them some crisps and pop, and kick a ball about with them in the garden until it gets dark. I’ll then walk them home, and as we walk, I’ll hammer home the importance of working hard at school, respecting your parents and engaging in community work. Ten years later, they'll be making their debut for the first team, and this story will be all over the national media.

Tone in well-deserved victory: Magnanimous, humble, grateful; full credit to the players. The opposition were great too, a good side, and if the officials have a good game, I will give them credit as well; it’s a near impossible job.

Tone after flukey victory: We got lucky today. Opposition will be feeling hard done by. We need to improve.

Tone in narrow defeat: Magnanimous, gutted, honest, fans can be proud of the team.

Tone in heavy defeat: Magnanimous, gutted, take personal responsibility, one or two players could have done better (never name them) determined to improve, apologise to the fans.

Legacy: Hopefully a few promotions, championships, European nights, Wembley appearances, silverware, a redeveloped, sold-out stadium, new training ground, kids wearing balaclavas and cowboy hats as they kick about in the park - parents watching on in balaclavas and cowboy hats. A ring road named after me, a stand named after me, and kids named after me. Four Balloon D'or winners coming through the clubs academy. Maybe a statue in the local shopping centre too. I think that would be a job well done - I just want to get started now.
Fulham FC 2020/21 - The Untoppables?
at 09:29 12 Sep 2020

Fulham v Arsenal is the 12:30 kick-off today, meaning that if we win, we will go top of the table. Win heavily and we will probably still be top of the table by the end of the weekend. If we then continue that form and win all our remaining matches heavily, we will probably have been top of the table for the entire duration of the season. Remarkable.

Has any team ever achieved this before? Hopefully Scott Parker will see this, print it off and let it form the basis of his team talk. Fulham FC -The Untoppables 2020/21. Sod's law that grounds are closed when this happens. Even so, I couldn't be prouder. I'm starting fundraising to get a statue of Kenny Tete for the pavement outside the Chancellors. COYW.
Things you did once, loved, but have never done again
at 10:18 20 Aug 2020

As the title suggests:

1) Music festivals: I went to Reading in '92, and despite loving live music and camping, I've never been to another music festival. We borrowed a tent (from the 1950's), which when we unpacked it, seemed to be made from bamboo canes and carrier bags. Whole thing collapsed at about 4am during a storm on the Thursday night and was fu cked for the rest of our stay. Just looked at the line-up to remind myself who played, and can't remember any of it. What I can remember is the lad who was sharing a tent with me, using a multipack of Wotsits for a pillow, and another mate returning to his tent to find that someone had shat on his sleeping bag. Good times. Loads of mates have done countless festivals in the UK and Europe since, but I've never felt the urge. Not sure why - I enjoyed Reading and should love festivals.

2) International football tournament: I took redundancy to do a bit of travelling, started off with a month in Portugal for Euro 2004, and had an amazing time. Loved travelling around a great country, got to watch ten games at some cool grounds, had a top time drinking with friends from home, locals and fans from all over Europe. Spent a month laughing and having a great time. No bother at all, our idiots were easy to avoid, and I was sure I'd get to loads more tournaments. Haven't been to a single international game since.

3) Skydiving. 2004 - I had no interest in doing a sky dive, but I was in NZ and my mate's Dad, who was 70-odd at the time, had just done one, and I sort of felt embarrassed not to. I did a tandem jump, so didn't have to do much other than jump out of a plane, but it was easily one of the best experiences, I've ever had. Absolutely loved it. Couldn't sleep that night because of the adrenalin rush, and was convinced I'd be doing it again at every available opportunity. Haven't been anywhere near a parachute since.

4) Sailing. 2004 - I did a lot of eating and drinking on boats with friends in NZ and Australia, but only had one day of actually helping to operate a sailing boat. Really enjoyed it. Again, I was sure that when I got back to London, I would get my mates into sailing and we'd all spend our weekends pis sing about out at sea. Never happened.

5) Dogging: 3 weeks ago, I found myself in our local cricket club car park watching a middle-aged couple going for it in a Burgundy Nissan Note. The bloke was wearing a fleece jacket. Light drizzle, 10pm, my wife and son asleep at home. I was struggling to work out what was happening and what all the fuss was until an experienced dogger turned-up with a headtorch. Extraordinary. Haven't been back since, though.

What activities/experiences have you had that you thought would become a big part of your life, but haven't?
Joe Bryan - The Pistol From Bristol
at 09:59 5 Aug 2020

Joe Bryan -

* Spots the keeper wandering around in Neasden and pings the ball into the bottom corner: 1-0! Bang!

* Plays an intricate one-two with Mitrovic and slots the ball past the keeper with his right foot: 2-0! Bang!

* Drops a Fu ck-bomb in the post-match interviews! Bang!

* Dedicates the goals, the win and his entire career to, "the man who inspired me, who showed me that if you focussed, worked hard and approached things with the right outlook, anything was possible when it came to sensible hair. Konk showed me the way and everything I've achieved; 99% of it is down to the confidence I've gained from copying his haircut - although he wears his a bit different". Bang!
Nice touch that from Joe. Wasn't expecting it.

What a weird promotion: underwhelming for most of the season, play-offs in empty stadiums, watched the final in a Somerset bungalow, and the new season starts in about three hours. A pretty dismal game with neither side creating much, but hey-ho. Of our current squad, I only have confidence in Rodak, Bryan (weirdly looked better in PL than Championship), Hector(?), Cairney and Mitrovic being PL quality. We really need to sign Reed as he's been very good for us.

Not confident that we'll do good business - with Tony Khan as DOF we've converted the three disappointing loanees into permanent signings for £30m odd. I'm sure he now feels vindicated, so it'll probably be more of the same. Hopefully Tony Khan will focus on his Wrestling business and let someone else worry about the football.

Switchingbee/Newbee - Genuinely very sad that you missed the last competitive game at GP - hope you get to have some sort of send-off. Brentford were a much more entertaining side than us this season, but we finished on the same points, and I think Parker got last night's game spot-on. Would have been weird for you to be promoted to the top division for the first time in 70-odd years, without any of you being there. Sure you'll get there before too long.
[Post edited 5 Aug 2020 10:42]
Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world
at 21:58 13 Jul 2020

Visited my barber today. Lovely bloke - he cuts Joe Bryan's hair, so we always chat Fulham. My barnet hadn't been done in about seventeen weeks, and I was quite enjoying the extra length on top. Thought it softened me and made me look a bit architect/furniture designer rather than my usual non-league footballer haircut.

Potentially a bit wavy curtains, but with a slight side parting and product applied at the right time, in my head it was beginning to look fu cking great*. I was close to recreating my 1990 barnet. It just needed tidying-up round the sides and at the back. I'd had a go at trimming it with blunt nail scissors during lockdown, but it wasn't a total success. We discussed my hair aspirations, my options, and settled on a plan of action. And then he gave me the same haircut he gives me every time he cuts my hair. It's what I call a "Joe Bryan". As Joe Bryan haircuts go, he's done a nice job, but it's not what I was after.

It must be very difficult having an idiot who doesn't have the terminology, giving vague instructions that make no sense, but if I carry on as I am, I will never achieve hair nirvana. I'm in my mid-forties, would it make me a cu nt if I took a picture of some other bloke into the barbers and said, "I want that on my head. Can you make me look like I've designed an iconic armchair?" And would it make me an even bigger cu nt, if I took a thirty year old picture of me into the barbers and said, "This is me in 1990 - can you take my hair back to the future?" Is this a midlife crisis? Does Joe Bryan have the same thoughts whenever he's had his haircut?

*My wife thought it looked a bit shi t, but has promised to support my decision.
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do?
at 14:44 6 Jun 2020

On every stag do, there is at least one bloke who turns out to be either really mouthy and annoying or a complete loose cannon nutcase. If it's your colleague's stag do, the loose cannon will always be your colleague's brother, if it's a mate's stag do, they will be the groom's brother-in-law. You'll be introduced to them at the airport/train station, and by lunchtime, eight different people will have said to you, "Mate, Dave's brother's a bit of a loose cannon, eh" or "Dave's brother-in-law's a bit of a kno b, isn't he". Everyone will then spend the rest of the weekend trying to avoid being sat next to them in the Argentine steakhouse or stuck in the same mini-round.

I went on a 48 Hour Harwich - Cuxhaven ferry trip for my colleague's stag do, and spent most of it trying to avoid his brother, who over the course of the trip, managed to have an actual fight with a fruit machine, offer-out 2 of the stag do, the DJ on the ferry, the bloke organising the charity raffle on the ferry after he failed to win some aftershave, a waiter in a Cuxhaven restaurant at about 09:30 in the morning, and a man who bumped into his bag at Liverpool Street as we were all saying goodbye to each other. It was like being on a really shi t cruise with the world's most volatile man. It was stressful. He spent every waking moment talking about Tony Cottee, fighting at the football or road rage fights - and this was before road rage existed as a thing. The lad who ended up sharing a cabin with him still suffers from PTSD.

On the mouthy front, my mate had his stag-do in Liverpool and his brother-in-law (who people were trying to avoid by Watford Junction) just had a talent for annoying everyone by being far too gobby with strangers and completely oblivious to the amount of people saying something to us along the lines of, "You wanna tell your mate to shut-up, lads...".

I've never been on a stag-do with a footballer, but I reckon these players would be liable to start a full-on 9am Wetherspoons brawl with a 40-strong stag-do from Newport: Billy Whitehurst, Mick Harford, Mark Dennis, Steve Williams, Nigel Pearson, Roy Keane, Graeme Souness, Duncan Ferguson, Kenny Burns, Julian Dicks, Robert Hopkins, Pat van den Hauwe, Jesper Olsen (not really).

Mouthy footballers you would spend the whole weekend apologising for after your mouthy footballer had managed to upset a rough-looking 40-strong stag-do from Mansfield: Dennis Wise, Craig Bellamy, John Arne Riise, Frank Le Beuf, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Joey Barton, Tim Sherwood, Michael Brown, Alan Brazil, Dele Alli.

Who would you add to those lists?
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 14:47]
'Parasite' critique with surprising links to W12 (No spoilers)
at 13:19 10 Feb 2020

NB. This post contains information that you would glean from reading any review of the film, 'Parasite', but nothing more than that. For instance, I don't mention that the dog dies in the end (there is no dog).

Because I bleed culture, I went along to see 'Parasite' on Friday afternoon. It's really very good and I would thoroughly recommend going to see it. After watching the film, I read quite a few reviews, suggesting that the work was amongst other things, a statement on growing inequality within South Korean society and also South Korea's relationship with the DPRK.

As most of you know, If commitments allow, I usually spend Oscars night at Donatella Versace's Oscars party in Malibu (I originally attended way back in 1998 as Karl Lagerfeld's +1. RIP Karl). This year was no different and on Friday evening, I flew out to LA. On the flight, I sat mulling over 'Parasite', trying to figure out exactly what it's writer and director, Bong Joon-ho was trying to say. At Donatella's soiree, I was lucky enough to find myself sat next to Joon-ho, so I asked him whether he would indulge me as I offered my theory on the true meaning of his masterpiece.

Me: "Right, I think this all began in West London in I right?"
BJh (a big smile spreading across his face): "Go on..."
Me: "Okay, so the Kim family - that's the Mark Hughes Collective, right?"
BJh: "Go on..."
Me: "In your film, the son, Ki-woo - Mark Hughes - gets a job as an English Tutor with a wealthy family - the Parks. The Parks are QPR. Ki-woo/Mark Hughes then engineers the dismissal of existing members of staff, before suggesting that the newly vacant roles could be filled my members of his family/entourage. Ki-woo's mother, father and sister are actually Mark Bowen, Glynn Hodges, Eddie Nedweski and Kia Joorabchian, aren't they?
BJh: "Very good - I'm impressed..."
Me: "And the naïve, rich, easily-manipulated mother and wife; that's Tony Fernandes, isn't it?"

At this point, BJh bowed.

"And the symbolism of the stairs", I continued, "We see the Park family/QPR walking-up the stairs all the time as they enter their beautiful home - this symbolises QPR's ambitions to compete at the top of the Premier League. In contrast, we see the Kim family descending the stairs to get to their semi-basement home - this symbolises Mark Hughes leading QPR to relegation. The Park's stunning home is Tony Fernandes's 40,000 stadium Old Oak Common; the Kim's cramped, dilapidated, but atmospheric living quarters are Loftus Road. Oh, and the toilet that has raw sewage erupting from it during the storm - that's Tony Fernandes's Twitter feed, isn't it? That's as far as I've got, although I suspect the housekeeper is probably Neil Warnock."

To cut a long story short, my theory was bang-on. It turns out that after Park Ji-sung signed for Rangers, BJh was one of the many South Koreans who took an interest in the club's fortunes, history and off-field business. His next film's about Big Dan Burn. Should be a another cracker.
[Post edited 10 Feb 2020 13:33]
Chelsea fan being a knob on the tube
at 20:22 28 Jul 2019

This raised a smile:

"Footy Chantz", though; ffs.
[Post edited 28 Jul 2019 20:23]
Posting images in posts - why can't I do it any more?
at 21:08 17 May 2019

For the love of God, someone please put me out of my misery. I used to be able to save an image to my desktop and then upload it to I would then post that link in a LFW thread and the image would appear alongside the text...that doesn't work anymore.

Anyone out there able to point me in the right direction? Ta!
Crowdfunding my new kitchen/Ashton Gate hospitality packages
at 16:17 2 May 2019

Following extensive, tasteful and sensitive renovations to our Victorian terrace in Bristol’s equivalent to Crouch End circa 1995, we have officially run out of money. We need about £40,000 to install a new kitchen and make structural changes to the kitchen and breakfast room. Rather than go down the traditional route of saving-up, borrowing the money or going on the game, I have instead put together a collection of exiting match day hospitality packages.

Living a hop, skip and a jump from Bristol City’s Ashton Gate stadium, we’re ideally placed to offer a full range of superb pre and post-match hospitality for away fans visiting BS3.

What do you get for your money?

£1k donation: Whenever QPR play Bristol City away, you can come round my house for a few pre-match beers/ciders (maximum 4 per person) and an M&S sourced buffet to the value of approximately £10 per head.

£3k donation: As above, but in addition, you can come round our house AFTER the game, watch the results be read out on the BBC, drink up to 4 alcoholic drinks, and eat crisps with me until 7pm, when you must leave.

£5k donation: as per the £3k package, but you can stay until 9pm and we will organize a take-away of your choice to the value of £20 per person. Members of the 5K club will also be welcomed by a Prosecco reception and driven back to Templemeads in time for the last train as long as my wife hasn’t had a drink at that point (which is fu king unlikely).

£10k donation: as per the £5k package, but in addition, you can use the downstairs loo for a number two, manage the tv remote control and go through my underwear drawer like a dog on heat.

Paying for the whole kitchen: as per the £10k package, but in addition, you will be met off the train by my wife, wan ked-off by me in the downstairs loo after Football Focus, wan ked-off by me in the park across the road from Ashton Gate after the game, and put up overnight in our tastefully appointed guest room. In the morning, you will be given some Shreddies and driven to Templemeads by my wife, as long as she’s not too hungover.

Please contact me directly for further information. We hope to see some of you next season.

- [ ]
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