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Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 88426 viewsBoston

What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?

A Volts Wagon.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

2

Corny Joke Warning on 14:34 - Sep 19 with 3290 viewsMick_S

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Did I ever mention that I was in Minder?
Poll: Should Seann and Katya stay on Strictly Come Dancing?

2

Corny Joke Warning on 14:34 - Sep 19 with 3285 viewsade_qpr

The care taker was asked why the cemetery raised its burial costs?
He said it was blamed it on the cost of living.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

1

Corny Joke Warning on 16:40 - Sep 19 with 3201 viewsEsox_Lucius

My wife accused me of being a transvestite; I was furious, so I just packed her clothes and walked out.

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

4

Corny Joke Warning on 12:58 - Sep 20 with 3082 viewsEsox_Lucius

Me: "Bless me father, I have sinned. I have been singing Barenaked Ladies songs"
Priest: "How long is it since your last confession?"
Me: "It's been one week....."

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

1

Corny Joke Warning on 13:22 - Sep 20 with 3063 viewsdontknowitall

JK Rowling talking about the 20th Anniversary of Harry Potter.

I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie McGee...
1

Corny Joke Warning on 05:56 - Sep 21 with 2962 viewsAussieRs

Englishman goes into a pharmacy in Oslo and asks for deodorant.

"Ball or aersol?" the assistant inquires.

"No, its for my underarms".
0

Corny Joke Warning on 11:14 - Sep 21 with 2917 viewsEsox_Lucius

When I was a baby, my parents regularly soaked me in cheap Australian lager.

It wasn't until I was 18 that they finally admitted I was fostered.

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

2

Corny Joke Warning on 13:37 - Sep 21 with 2865 viewsEsox_Lucius

A scene inside an Edinburgh men's outfitters.
Mr Pirelli "I want a family kilt made".
"Sorry Sir. There is no Pirelli tartan!"
"BUT I am willing to pay 5000 pounds for a kilt". He Exclaims
"Oh, in that case, sir, Miss Toner, get the roll of McIntyre tartan out and start measuring this gentleman".
"But Mr Wallace......."
"Now, now, my girl, it will be fine. Everyone knows Pirelli have been McIntyres for years".

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

3
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Corny Joke Warning on 22:52 - Sep 21 with 2758 viewsjohncharles

Corny Joke Warning on 13:37 - Sep 21 by Esox_Lucius

A scene inside an Edinburgh men's outfitters.
Mr Pirelli "I want a family kilt made".
"Sorry Sir. There is no Pirelli tartan!"
"BUT I am willing to pay 5000 pounds for a kilt". He Exclaims
"Oh, in that case, sir, Miss Toner, get the roll of McIntyre tartan out and start measuring this gentleman".
"But Mr Wallace......."
"Now, now, my girl, it will be fine. Everyone knows Pirelli have been McIntyres for years".


A contender for the corniest so far

Strong and stable my arse.

1

Corny Joke Warning on 01:09 - Sep 22 with 2730 viewsBoston

When’s the hottest time to be at Loftus Rd?

When all the fans go home.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

0

Corny Joke Warning on 11:04 - Sep 22 with 2645 viewsade_qpr

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay 500 pounds to cover it's loss.
I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

3

Corny Joke Warning on 11:38 - Sep 22 with 2627 viewsDavieQPR

Man goes into a Fancy Dress shop in Birmingham and asks for a 60's outfit. The assistant says 'Sure. Kipper tie' and the man says ' thanks ,two sugars'.
1

Corny Joke Warning on 12:06 - Sep 22 with 2608 viewsEsox_Lucius

Someone came into my cafe the other day and asked the quickest way to town.
I said "are you driving or walking?"
"Driving" they said
"That’s the quickest" I said.

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

4

Corny Joke Warning on 12:38 - Sep 22 with 2581 viewsDorse

It has long been held that Volvos are the safest cars around. But I was hit by one the other day, and I broke my spine.

'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'

0

Corny Joke Warning on 13:31 - Sep 22 with 2566 viewsBoston

Four out of three people have trouble with fractions.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

0

Corny Joke Warning on 13:47 - Sep 22 with 2559 viewsBoston

What did 0 say to 8 ?

Nice belt.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

0
Corny Joke Warning on 14:31 - Sep 22 with 2539 viewsCiderwithRsie

Corny Joke Warning on 14:34 - Sep 19 by Mick_S

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'


True story - friend of mine got in a lift with her toddler when a wrinkled little old lady got in. The toddler says "Mummy, are monkeys allowed in lifts?"

My friend got out the next floor and had to walk up the stairs the rest of the way.
0

Corny Joke Warning on 13:45 - Sep 23 with 2447 viewsade_qpr

I tried to catch some fog the other day.
Mist

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

1

Corny Joke Warning on 15:00 - Sep 23 with 2423 viewsBoston

What d'ya call that useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?

A man.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

0

Corny Joke Warning on 15:07 - Sep 23 with 2422 viewsderbyhoop

Why can't I find another word for Thesaurus?

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the Earth all one’s lifetime. (Mark Twain) Find me on twitter @derbyhoop

1
Corny Joke Warning on 15:38 - Sep 23 with 2406 viewsBoston

Corny Joke Warning on 15:07 - Sep 23 by derbyhoop

Why can't I find another word for Thesaurus?


All those dinosaur names confuse me as well.

Poll: Thank God The Seaons Over.

0

Corny Joke Warning on 19:02 - Sep 23 with 2362 viewsEsox_Lucius

It's a little known fact, but the most common Owl in the UK is the Teat Owl.

The grass is always greener.
Poll: Could or do you go to watch QPR without having a drink or recreational drugs?

0

Corny Joke Warning on 00:44 - Sep 24 with 2298 viewsade_qpr

Doctor - "Nurse did you take that patients temperature?"
Nurse "No, is it missing?"

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

0

Corny Joke Warning on 01:02 - Sep 24 with 2294 viewsade_qpr

I recently brought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

3

Corny Joke Warning on 08:56 - Sep 24 with 2245 viewsBathRanger

Dubbing Pride and Prejudice into French was so difficult. It was L'Austen Translation.
1
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