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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 61280 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Celtic and Rangers should be fast tracked into the Championship ASAP

6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:18 - Apr 23 with 2358 viewsdonnybackspin

Why are the Chinese shit at cricket?..........

Cos they eat all the bats
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:59 - Apr 26 with 2191 viewscentrestandswan

A man walks into a bar, Christ it hurt.

Poll: Will we be relegated ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:01 - Apr 27 with 2094 viewsHighjack

What’s grey and comes in pints?

Elephants.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:29 - Apr 27 with 2070 viewssainthelens

Wife: Have I gone fat since lockdown ?

Husband: You were never really skinny love.

Time of death: 11.23pm 25/4/20

Cause of death : Coronavirus.
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:14 - Apr 27 with 2062 viewstheloneranger

So, I've been chatting to this 15 year old girl on tik tok, and it turns out she's an undercover policewoman.

How fvcking cool is that for a job at her age 😎

Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:17 - Apr 27 with 2057 viewsSwanjaxs

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Celtic and Rangers should be fast tracked into the Championship ASAP

1
Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:46 - Apr 27 with 2013 viewsdadsarmy76

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 18 by Highjack

What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Mart6 can’t take a joke.


Big joke. Highjack looking for a job/work!!
-3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:57 - Apr 27 with 1993 viewstheloneranger

10 priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, "If any of you are paedophiles then go straight to Hell"

9 priests start walking away, when St Peter shouts ...

"And take the deaf cvnt with you!!"

Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎

3
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:16 - Apr 27 with 1927 viewsMuteswan

Dear Neighbour,
Hi Tom, this is Dick, next door. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months now and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face to face. When you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse but the temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apologies and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards Dick.

Tom feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Dick dead. He then returned home and shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat on the sofa. Tom then looked at his phone and discovered a second message from Dick.

Hi Tom, Dick here again. Sorry about the typo on my last message. I assumed you figured it out and noticed that Spellchecker had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”. Technology eh. It’ll be the death of me.
7

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:31 - Apr 27 with 1883 viewsSwanjaxs

According to a solicitors letter in my neighbour's wheelie bin, "I'm a stalker."

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Celtic and Rangers should be fast tracked into the Championship ASAP

4

Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:39 - Apr 27 with 1824 viewsWarwickHunt

Heard my lovely neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wànk now.
3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:52 - Apr 29 with 1633 viewsMuteswan

If you were to inject your partner with disinfectant, would you be charged with Bleach of the peace or Domestos violence?
Or just some other ” Trumped “ up charge?
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Apr 29 with 1571 viewsoldcob

A little girl, blonde with long ringlets, was sitting on a park bench with her dog at her feet. She looked so sweet sitting there, and when the vicar passed he just had to speak to her. "Hello little girl" he said, "whats your name?" "Blossom" she replied. "Oh" said the vicar "that's an unusual name, how did you come to be called Blossom?" "Well" said the little girl "when my mummy was expecting me, and I was in her tummy, she was sitting under a cherry tree, and a blossom fell on her belly, that's why I'm called Blossom" "That's lovely" said the Vicar,"and whats your little doggie called?"To which the sweet little girl replied "Porky" "Oh" said the Vicar, "that's unusual too, why is he named Porky?" "Cos he f**ks pigs" came the reply.
2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:07 - Apr 29 with 1555 viewsSwanjaxs

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Celtic and Rangers should be fast tracked into the Championship ASAP

5
Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:52 - Apr 29 with 1496 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:07 - Apr 29 by Swanjaxs

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."


Not funny!

...My consultation was supposed to be kept private.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:57 - Apr 30 with 1401 viewssainthelens

Pub full of Chinese regulars.
Then one night landlord says to his wife..." fed up here love, same faces every night ".
0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:36 - Apr 30 with 1391 viewsCaptain_Sham


Its just a ride.

4

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:55 - Apr 30 with 1382 viewstheloneranger

"CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER"

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary, When the wife says ...

”Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years”

The husband ponders for a moment, and then looks into his wife's eyes and says ...

“My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years. I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ??

She replied, “I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales !! "

Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:18 - Apr 30 with 1307 viewsSwanjaxs

Did you know the Gibb brothers were terrified of horses?
Apparently gee-gees gave The Bee Gees the heebeegeebees.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Celtic and Rangers should be fast tracked into the Championship ASAP

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:03 - May 4 with 1150 viewsHighjack

I went into a pet shop and asked to buy a fish. The shopkeeper asked me if I wanted an aquarium, I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 09:59 - May 4 with 1119 viewsHighjack

I phoned the local yoga instructor and asked “can you teach me how to do the splits?” He said “how flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

2

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:52 - May 4 with 1059 viewsdickythorpe

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
6

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:55 - May 4 with 1049 viewsHighjack

I was at a car boot sale and I asked this bloke “do you want to buy a kettle?” He said “Kenwood” I said “well go and get him then.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:00 - May 4 with 1045 viewsHighjack

I went to the doctor and asked him if he could give me something for excessive wind.

He gave me a kite.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

0

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:22 - May 4 with 1031 viewsHighjack

I was walking through the cemetery and I saw a bloke popping up from behind one of the grave stones. I said “Morning”. He replied “No mate, just having a shit”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: Should Dippy Drakeford do us all a massive favour and just bog off?

0

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