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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 54821 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:37 - Jun 25 with 1515 viewsWxmJax

Someone just knocked on our door asking if I'd carry a donor card around with me. There's a man after my own heart.

Poll: England, General Election: How are you going to vote ?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:02 - Jun 26 with 1387 viewsMuteswan

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m A Believer “ by The Monkees because it was really annoying her.
At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:30 - Jun 26 with 1356 viewssainthelens

Went to the doctor told him I have an unhealthy obsession with the film The Wizard of Oz.
Why is that he said.
I replied " because because because because becaeeuuse!".
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:16 - Jun 26 with 1336 viewsSwanjaxs

Guy working in a petrol station in Splott phones work.

"I'm not coming in today, I'm sick"

"Sick" his boss says

"Exactly how sick are you"?

"Well, put it this way" says employee...

"At the moment, I'm in bed with my sister"...

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:01 - Jun 27 with 1240 viewssainthelens

Guy goes into the chemist, asks the pharmacist about viagra. "Can you get it over the counter?"he asks
"Only if I take 2" replies the pharmacist.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:02 - Jun 27 with 1190 viewsMuteswan

A Spanish magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of 3.

He said, “Uno, dos...” and then poof...

He disappeared without a tres.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:01 - Jun 27 with 1156 viewsFlashberryjack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:02 - Jun 27 by Muteswan

A Spanish magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of 3.

He said, “Uno, dos...” and then poof...

He disappeared without a tres.


Warning this is rather long winded, so please feel free to scroll on by.

There was a newspaper reporter, a BBC reporter and an SAS soldier that had been captured by IS terrorist and were knelt down in the desert to be executed by their IS captors.

The terrorist leader said I will grant you each a last request before we kill you, so he turns to the newspaper reporter and asks him what his request is, the guy shaking with fear, asks will you send my final report of this conflict to my editor, the leader agrees and takes his report from his briefcase.

He then turns to the BBC reporter and asks the same, he relies in whisper "will you take my last unedited film recording from my satchel and send it to my boss at the BBC so they will have true story for their news programme" the leader agrees and then turns towards the SAS soldier.

What is your final request dog ? the SAS soldier says "can you get two of your best fighting men to kick me up my arse as hard as they can and film it on the BBC reporters camera" the leader looks rather puzzled, but calls two of his men to oblige.

The SAS guy bends over and the leader puts his gun down and picks up the camera to film it, the first terrorist steps up and gives the soldier an almighty boot up the arse, to the great amusement of the rest of the gang, the second guy steps up and does the same, only this one does a little pirouette before delivering his kick.

By now the gang of terrorists are falling about laughing, then all of a sudden the SAS guy pulls out a small handgun that was concealed between the cheeks of his arse, spins round and shoots the leader between the eyes, using the dead leaders body as a shield, he picks up his AK47 and shoots dead the rest of the IS terrorists.

The newspaper and BBC reporters couldn't thank him enough, but were a little bewildered, and asked why his last request was to be booted up the arse and even having the humiliation of having your arse kicked filmed.



The SAS soldier replied, "so that when you pair of c*nts get back home you can't claim this was an provoked attack"

Hello

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:27 - Jun 27 with 1126 viewsTreforys_Jack

I said to my Mrs, the next door neighbour has died, she said,, who Ray ? I didn't really think cheering was appropriate.
[Post edited 28 Jun 10:27]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:31 - Jun 28 with 1044 viewsTreforys_Jack

Went to a party the other night and noticed I'd lost my watch, I looked everywhere for it, just as I was about to give up, I noticed a guy stepping on it, as he was harassing a young woman. I went straight up and decked him. No-one harasses women, not on my watch.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:54 - Jun 29 with 935 viewsMuteswan

A man is walking home alone one foggy night, when he hears:
Bump...

Bump...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it’s way down the road towards him.
Bump...

Bump...

Terrified, the man ran to his house and up the stairs to the bathroom, the casket bumping behind him following him upstairs.
Bump...

Bump...

His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in gasps.
Bump...

Bump...

With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he could find was a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket...
And at last ...

The casket stops.

The moral of the story is ...

Cough syrup always works to stop the persistent coffin. 🗣🗣
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:15 - Jun 29 with 917 viewsMuteswan

Alas, not all my own work...
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 14:36 - Jun 29 with 865 viewsSwanjaxs

Did you know Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore aftershave that’s right “Yul Never Wore Cologne “

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: Lion or Bear.. who would win in a fight 🤔

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:09 - Jun 30 with 745 viewsJoe_bradshaw

The teacher asked a boy to name something that he wasn't very good at beginning with the letter N.

The boy thought for a moment and said "spelling ".

Planet Swans Prediction League Winner Season 2013-14. Runner up 2014_15.
Poll: How many points clear of relegation will we be on Saturday night?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:48 - Jun 30 with 710 viewsMuteswan

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can believe it!

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🤔
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:46 - Jun 30 with 655 viewsMuteswan

My pet mouse Elvis died earlier.

He was caught in a trap. 😢
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:58 - Jul 1 with 496 viewsdizietsma

Scientists in the Netherlands have been using foetal stem cells to grow a human tongue, a trachea and a larynx.

They say the results speak for themselves.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:24 - Jul 3 with 390 viewsEbo

What goes in and out when the doorbell rings?


Prince Andrews arse.

Thank you, goodnight and bollocks
Poll: What couldn't you live without?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:45 - Jul 3 with 351 viewsMuteswan

Could anyone tell me who played Forest Gump?
T.hanks in anticipation.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:48 - Jul 3 with 349 viewsMuteswan

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and never has five letters...
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:35 - Jul 4 with 254 viewslonglostjack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:48 - Jul 3 by Muteswan

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and never has five letters...


?? :-)

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:59 - Jul 4 with 236 viewsJohnw102

Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:48 - Jul 3 by Muteswan

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and never has five letters...


Thats right!

Never knew getting old would happen so quick!

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:19 - Jul 4 with 207 viewslonglostjack

One for YJBs who’ve been to Germany.
A Frenchman, Italian and German are walking past an empty open-air swimming pool. They find a lantern, rub it and a genie appears. “I’ll give each of you one wish” he says.
The Frenchman says “I’d like that pool to be filled with red Bordeaux wine.” He stripped off and dived into a pool filled with red wine.
Next was the Italian “I’d like that pool to be filled with Prosecco.” She stripped off and dived into a pool filled with sparkling Prosecco.
Next it was the German’s turn. He said “I’d like that pool to be filled with the best German beer.” He stripped off and dived in, cracking his head on the pool floor. Dazed, he got back to his feet. “What happened?” he asked.
The genie turned to him and said “ You of all people should know that it takes 6 minutes to pull a perfect German beer.”
[Post edited 4 Jul 19:28]

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:43 - Jul 4 with 188 viewsFlashberryjack

Paddy finds an old lantern, rubs it and out pops a genie and grants him one wish.

Paddy says, I want to be able to piss the finest Irish whiskey, "granted" says the genie.

Paddy rushes home, gets a glass and pisses into it, he takes a sip, and declares that's the finest Irish whiskey I've ever tasted.

His wife arrives home and he calls her to come to the parlour and bring two glasses with you, paddy takes the two glasses and pisses into them, and tells his wife to take a sip, she does and declares " that's the finest Irish whiskey I've ever tasted"
They stayed there all evening drinking until they were both absolutely slaughtered.

She came home the following evening, and paddy shouted come to the parlour and bring two glasses, and again they drunk until they fell over.

The following evening she arrived home, and paddy shouted, come into the parlour and bring one glass.
She entered the parlour and said why he only wanted one glass ?









Tonight you drink from the bottle.
[Post edited 4 Jul 20:16]

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