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Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 54552 viewsSwanjaxs

My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...

I nearly shìt her knickers 😮


You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:19 - May 28 with 2171 viewsoldcob

Heard about the gypsy baby born with a glass eye? His father had a crystal ball.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:07 - May 28 with 2105 viewsRobbie

Only wearing one glove today .

Weatherman said it would be warm today , on the other hand it might be colder .

( Copyright Owen Money ) .
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:03 - May 28 with 2036 viewsdickythorpe

I went to the doctor's talking about my liquid intake.
Try orange juice after a hot bath he said.
A week later the doc asked how the orange juice was going....."hang on I haven't finished drinking the hot bath yet" I said.

(Owen Money)
[Post edited 28 May 15:03]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:47 - May 28 with 2015 viewsHighjack

“Doctor, Doctor I cant stop masterbating.”

“I can see that Mr Jeffries but I can’t finish this blood test unless you stay still.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:09 - May 28 with 1996 viewstheloneranger

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:05 - May 28 with 1939 viewsMuteswan

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know...

🤔
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:46 - May 28 with 1905 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:05 - May 28 by Muteswan

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know...

🤔


Your wife said it's always you...



It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:34 - May 29 with 1826 viewsdna

Just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 08:44 - May 29 with 1818 viewsHighjack

A chicken pie in Jamaica is £2.92
A Steak and kidney pie in Trinidad is £1.97
A cottage pie in Bermuda is £3.60

Pie rates of the Caribbean.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

4
Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:31 - May 29 with 1751 viewsWarwickHunt

Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:46 - May 28 by DJack

Your wife said it's always you...




As Loudon Wainwright sang

“You said it was me who came too early
But it was you who came too late”
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:00 - May 29 with 1672 viewsDJack

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:31 - May 29 by WarwickHunt

As Loudon Wainwright sang

“You said it was me who came too early
But it was you who came too late”


No prizes for coming second.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:05 - May 29 with 1668 viewsThrasher6

Just come back from seeing The Everley Brothers live....not "The" Everley Brothers...but John and Jim from up the coast...John smokes heavily and Jim drinks heavily....

Edit: Sounds better not written down....
[Post edited 29 May 23:07]

Poll: Social Distancing: When will it be an obsolete word?

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Shìt Joke thread..... on 01:07 - May 30 with 1639 viewssainthelens

Today I adopted a newborn African child. He was just seven pounds.
Plus postage and packing.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:21 - May 30 with 1589 viewstheloneranger

A year ago I said to my wife ... "Every time we make love, we put a pound coin in a money box, and see how much we can save up"

I opened the box today and said to my wife ... "Where the fvck have all these notes come from??"

She replied.... "Not everyone's a tight b@stard like you".....!!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:14 - May 30 with 1552 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 10:21 - May 30 by theloneranger

A year ago I said to my wife ... "Every time we make love, we put a pound coin in a money box, and see how much we can save up"

I opened the box today and said to my wife ... "Where the fvck have all these notes come from??"

She replied.... "Not everyone's a tight b@stard like you".....!!


Times are hard during lockdown, and as a family we were struggling to put food on the table.

After many family meetings, it was decided that my wife, reluctantly, would take to the streets, and sell her body.

So last Wednesday night, after we had gone to bed, she went off into town to sell her wares...

Thursday morning, I got up and went downstairs to find my wife looking absolutely shattered on the couch.

"How did it go"? I sad.

"It was hard work, but I made a lot of money, have a look on the mantlepiece" says the wife.

After counting the money, the nights takings came to £173.50!

"Thats absolutely fantastic, I'm so proud of you I said ", but who was the tight bàstard who paid you the 50p.?"

"All of them says the wife" ...

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:30 - May 31 with 1470 viewsMuteswan

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry...


I’ll return.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:34 - May 31 with 1463 viewsMuteswan

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:30 - May 31 by Muteswan

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry...


I’ll return.


I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian holiday was.

He said “Ya have to love Easter baby”

I’ll be back... for my coat.🙄
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:40 - May 31 with 1454 viewsSwanjaxs

Shìt Joke thread..... on 11:34 - May 31 by Muteswan

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian holiday was.

He said “Ya have to love Easter baby”

I’ll be back... for my coat.🙄


Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, “I still love Vista, baby”.

You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Poll: How many "partners" have you had? 👀

3

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:37 - May 31 with 1425 viewstheloneranger

A boss said to his secretary ... "I want to make love to you, I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw £1000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, it will be all over"

She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said to her ... "Do it, but ask him for £2000 - pick up the money very fast, he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself"

So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, and all he can hear is grunting.

He asks ... "What happened" ???

She replied ... "The B@stard used coins, and I'm still fvcking picking them up"
[Post edited 31 May 12:39]
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:42 - May 31 with 1417 viewsWarwickHunt

Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:37 - May 31 by theloneranger

A boss said to his secretary ... "I want to make love to you, I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw £1000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, it will be all over"

She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said to her ... "Do it, but ask him for £2000 - pick up the money very fast, he wouldn't even have enough time to undress himself"

So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, and all he can hear is grunting.

He asks ... "What happened" ???

She replied ... "The B@stard used coins, and I'm still fvcking picking them up"
[Post edited 31 May 12:39]


Was she called Penny? She is now!
1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 15:40 - May 31 with 1378 viewsMuteswan

What’s the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn’t walk around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:32 - May 31 with 1312 viewsMuteswan

I can’t believe it. Someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

I had to bend over backwards for that!
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Shìt Joke thread..... on 23:25 - May 31 with 1284 viewslonglostjack

Daniel Geraint Thomas was walking along the beach in Mumbles when he saw that a swimmer was in trouble. “Help Help” shouted the swimmer. Daniel, who had just completed the Swansea half marathon in a record time, didn’t hesitate. He dived straight in, dragged the swimmer back to shore and gave him mouth-to-mouth. The swimmer recovered. Daniel started walking off mission accomplished when he heard somebody calling him back. It was the bloke he’d saved. “Daniel” he said “You saved my life and there’s something I have to tell you. I’m a leprechaun and I have the power to grant three wishes!” Daniel couldn’t believe his luck. “There’s only one condition though Daniel” said the guy. I’ll grant you three wishes but you must grant me one. “No problem “ said Daniel. “So what are your three wishes Daniel?”
Daniel didn’t hesitate.

“When I get home I want to find a million quid on the table”
Whoosh “ No problem, when you get home there’ll be a million quid on your table”
“When I get home I want my wife to look 20 years younger”
Whoosh “When you get home you’ll find your wife will look 20 years younger”
“When I get home I want to be the best boxer in the three Counties of Herefordshire, Gloucestershire and Monmouthshire”
Whoosh “ When you get home you’ll have those skills”

Daniel started walking off, eagerly looking forward to what awaited him at home. Suddenly he heard a voice shouting behind him.

“Daniel- haven‘t you forgotten something? We agreed you‘d get three wishes granted if I got one“

„OK“ said Daniel. „What do you want?“

„Drop your trousers! „

„Feck off“ said Daniel Geraint Thomas

„Think what‘s awaiting you at home Daniel. Do you want to give that all up?“

Daniel thought about it and dropped his trousers.

Suddenly he felt a thrusting and a grunting behind him and in between the grunts there was a question

„Daniel where are you from?“

" Symonds Yat" said Daniel

More grunts

" How old are you Daniel?"

"45“

"Bit old to be believing in fairies aren’t ewe mwsh?
[Post edited 31 May 23:37]

Poll: Alcohol in the lockdown

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 16:48 - Jun 1 with 1156 viewsHighjack

Just started reading a horror story in Braille.

Something terrible is about to happen. I can feel it.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

1

Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:28 - Jun 1 with 1108 viewsHighjack

A man was fed up with women always laughing at his tiny penis. He ordered a self help book to give him help with his confidence but when he went into WH Smith to pick it up the girl behind the counter said “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
Poll: The official planetswans European election poll. Your vote goes to?

0
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